My Wife Uses My Ptsd Triggers Against Me – Did I Mention That She Is A Shrink?

[nursenurse]

Losing the marriage is not your fault. It's no one's fault, really, but if someone here retains the majority of responsibility, it is the missus.

What I see here is someone who is out to control you, who is a fixer, and who is so enamoured of her profession, that she can see no one else, including your own independent therapist, as having something valid to offer. You are insightful, you are caring, you are trying to heal yourself in the midst of an untenable situation. She has issues, whatever they are, that she is not acknowledging. And she is holding you down, impeding your healing. This is not a working relationship.

You need to find out your legal rights. By not doing so does not mean that things will get better, or that there is not a problem. Forewarned is forearmed. Keep up with your own healing. Do NOT be afraid. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, and to accept anything less than someone who cares for you, who wants the best for you, who is enlightening for you, is to doom your life.

Your kids will survive. To see you accept anything less than a loving relationship for yourself gives them permission to accept the very same poor treatment in their lives. It is detrimental to a child's life to be encased in an overtly abusive marriage. You are being abused, and you surely do not deserve this.

 

[Sally sue]

:( I'm sorry your in such a difficult situation!

As for "- I mean would someone who is crazy know it?" I've repeatedly asked my T if I was crazy, and she has consistently said "no" and explained that crazy people don't think anything's wrong with them...so, as long as you ask yourself "am I crazy?" You immediately know the answer is "no" :) it helps me to remember that ha!

Another thing my T says is that one can only change oneself and not other people, so I'm trying to manage my own reactions to others words and actions and get support and understanding from my T when I start to feel like the ground I'm standing on is shaky. This is really hard to learn because of my upbringing, but I am starting to recognize that people use this, my vulnerability to think I'm bad, to their advantage, and that surely can't be right either :(.

I'm glad you have a supportive T and it sounds like you trust them, and that's a blessing. I would, and am trying to put my trust in my T to help me learn healthier ways of viewing myself and others. I hope you can work on that too :).

And, it's true, counselors, teachers, ministers, and alike, have their own problems too, and often they don't like to look at them or acknowledge them, BUT that's their problem, huh?

You have your T and you have us :), and we here to support you! Keep plugging along, I bet you'll figure out what to do :).

 

[franciemarnie]

Someday you will not feel confused. Be patient with yourself in the meantime. You can't help how you feel.

Feelings are not facts, but they can feel like it. Someday your feelings will reflect the facts of the situation. It will become clear what to do.

 

[stilldancing]

She's abusing you!!! And unfortunately abusers need to want to get they help to help them stop. Your wife is not there sadly. I'm not going to tell you to end your marriage and get out, but I've lived through an emotionally abusive relationship, and my advice to anyone in an emotionally abusive relationship is to get out. She sees herself as having something to gain by keeping you sick then helping you get better.

 

[Pencil]

I won't be surprised if she tries to reel you back in once you've agreed to a divorce.

 

[Meadowsweet]

She is an abuser. Abusers are clever, manipulative and will try to make everyone else think they are perfect person being victimised by the person they abuse. Sadly, if she came to the supporters forum here, or to a court and told everyone that she was just trying to help you and that she was suffering because of your PTSD, probably only people who had been through that themselves would ever see through her bullshit and question it. For this reason, you need legal and professional people on your side.

Have you reported the abuse to your therapist? Any evidence of the abuse that you can gather will help, make a record of what she says. Perhaps make an appointment for couples counselling, so that you have a record that it is her who is refusing to try and make things better. I say this, because much as I'd like to say that if you leave the abuse will stop, in my experience and listening to other peoples experiences, an abuser interested in control will continue to try to control you after you've gone. And sadly we live in a world where abusers get away with it because people remain ignorant to abuse.

But. most of all you need to keep taking those steps towards keeping yourself in a level place. Let your therapist help you through this and give advice.

 

[reallydown]

Sorry to read you are going through this. As the others have said, your wife is being abusive and probably projecting her own s*it on you...I've had this happen with a friend (who is training to be a social worker) and in a different context but has accused me of many things that are not true (being abusive, manipulative etc) and this had the effect of ending not only that friendship but another, connected one. It is a very painful thing to go through. Hang in there.

 

[Tswevnz]

I am an architect and once designed a psychiatric hospital .
Lol I can testify that after in depth interviews with staff .... The higher up I got in the organisation ... The creepier & nuttier the behaviour got. The whole power trip that some health care staff has going is simply .... Plain wrong. Reading that your wife behaves like this is very heartbreaking as it is demoralising abuse that would break down anybody.

" She told me that our marital issues are 100% my fault and that I am no good for anyone – but she does not want me to leave the house, get a divorce or separate."


If she truly loved you - she should not hold your struggle against you - instead being COMPLETELY the opposite!!!! With her knowledge she should have the respect and kindness to help you.
A relationship is based on TWO peoples interaction. I have no idea who you are and what you behave like in person - but being with a person that completely puts the responsibility of relationship breakdown on one party ..... Yet at the same time refuses to let go, is the person with the problem.

If you truly where the person she claims you to be - then she should have walked a long time ago. The fact that she tries to force you to stay in a miserable state and clearly dysfunctional relationship and keep reminding you of your flaws , seems like a really twisted and wicked thing to do.
Plain abusive.
I've been in the same situation once.
No matter the consequences .... Being free from toxic situations like this - is the best thing that could happen.

 

[The Albatross]

I have to wonder, what in your wife, is lacking or being acted out by selecting a marital partner who has been so abused. I also had to figure that out with my own spouse.

In my case, he was recreating his relationship with his own mother. By selecting me, a partner who had been abused, was ill, the daughter of an alcoholic, and having had substance abuse issues myself, and a "strong" personality woman. It took us a long time to figure out that he was revisiting his childhood neglect issues and projecting them onto me. Because I had survived the amount of traumas, on some level he felt I would be able to shoulder it as he "re-wrote" history with me to a more favorable outcome than his childhood. (It took two shrinks to figure this out and a whole lot of communication and dialogue to get down to the nuts and bolts of what the heck was going on with my "normal"/functioning spouse.)

I think I'd be pressing for couples counseling and try to zoom in on what issues your spouse has and may be projecting onto you in your marriage.

Finding the pay off is also good. For instance, when I was home ill and symptomatic, my husband's pay off was that he could "take care of me" and feel like he was a devoted, noble, good man (the opposite of his own neglectful mother). When I would begin to recover and get stronger, he would fight to keep me in that role or sabotage my efforts to initiate change.

What is her pay off?

 

[reallydown]

Tswevnz, I think you nailed it - it's such a power trip for some of these health professionals. My friend clearly has major issues she needs to deal with and this need to control/micromanage is coming form an unhealthy place. I suspect she is also a narcissist and jealous of her sister who is superior in every way (but is bipolar). So again, baystate, this seems to have a lot more to do with your wife's issues than your own. Keep working on you and staying as healthy as you can and nobody should have to endure that kind of abuse.

 

[DharmaGirl]

@baystate, from what I've read here, you have tried 100% to save the marriage. When you've given it your all, I think you can safely leave without feeling a failure for leaving. You could even sue for custody of the children. It would be difficult but doable.

 

[Rumors]

I am not telling you to leave or divorce, but maybe if you take a step back and just focus on yourself first, you might have more clarity about the situation as you become more clear headed. It is hard to make good choices when you are in the midst of a trauma/drama.

Personally, I would go to my therapist and not share those details with your wife. She isn't contributing positive feedback into the situation anyway. Once again, you may find out that you are much stronger than you think. Tough situation. Go hug on your kids. That is something that will always make you feel better!!!