My world is Crashing in on me; Husband, Health, Happiness. Can I survive?

Justmehere

Moderator
I can not and should not have to rely on a friend or anyone else BUT him to take care of me, (and as far as that goes...I do NOT have a friend who can come any time I need). And as for myself...I do everything -EVERYTHING to take care of myself. And where I cannot. my daughters usually step in. From him I only ask for a commitment to the marriage we have entered. Love and attention, care and understanding, My pain and anger is fully justified in my opinion. Who are you to question that? You have not walked in my shoes. So I just want to say enough that I believe your .02 was mean and harsh... unconcerned and inconsiderate.

I always take good care of him and never grimace or complain when he asks for help. Instead of trying to find my faults while you read my posts, why not instead just comfort me? I am really so let down.

Something we say a lot around here is to take what's helpful and disregard the rest. Our community tends to be frank and give a wide variety of feedback. It may be helpful to state outright the type of feedback or support you are looking for from peers.

It sounds like your husband has screwed up and dropped the ball on meeting some needs you'd like him to meet. Really be there for you. Anger isn't always an perfectly accurate measure of a matter, no feeling is, but it can be very informative and tell us when a boundary is crossed, we feel threatened, or something we value is at risk. It can help us identify what we care about and what we want to change. What I read that you value is being cared about equally as you have cared for your husband. You feel stranded, let down, not getting support. He's let you down big time. (I mean come on, 6 years delay with the stove!)

You very justifiably want support, connection, and closeness.
What you get is distance.
What you say to him is harsh words, critique, snapping at him.
What happens next is he gets more distant.
You feel more frustration and aloneness...
Around the cycle goes.

Getting through orthopedic surgery with support is hard enough! I hope that you do find comfort in the middle of this hard season in life with him.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Hello @sonnet , I am sorry, I see how my words could leave you feeling:
I am stupid and do not talk to him sensibly and openly and... Instead of trying to find my faults while you read my posts, why not instead just comfort me? I am really so let down.

It was insensitive of me, as I see you wanted comfort but I was more inclined to feel (knowing my own self only) that my own 'best' comfort when 'my world is crashing down' is a solution, rather than supporting feelings. But you are right, supporting feelings is what counts in those moments.

Like @enough , I've slogged at this a long time, decades, and it's gotten to the point surviving those very negative times (only for me) is sometimes life or death, so I didn't mince words. Not to blame you or to say you need to do 'more', but to say (only again because it only applies to my own experience), that as @Justmehere said getting needs expressed and met often comes with describing exactly what you need from someone else, because we often give in ways we know and vice versa, and they are rarely the same, and not necessarily noticed or interpreted by the other person as a loving or caring act, and hence their absence is seen as uncaring to the extreme. Not saying that to be critical to you, but to help you get what you need, which perhaps your H actually wants for you too? Or maybe not, but that is a story you have to hash out from your own intellect and heart, I do not know. (I do know within those moments in times like that I think all people feel like the other person doesn't care.)

Far as fingers go, I nearly lost only 2 ends and they really cause me grief and pain; I simply can't (personally) imagine setting up a stove missing 3 and 1 re-attached without help, because even holding screws would be a nightmare. But I understand in that profession it's an occupational hazard. I also don't have a friend to 'nurse' me, dtrs, or a spouse or family, but if I did (again ONLY me), I think I would feel more embarrassed than cherished to accept that kind of care/ doting, even though I provide it myself. I also have gone through several experiences and realities where basic self-care wasn't even an option, so though it shouldn't be I'm used to the mindset of not focusing on those needs at those times, and the fear of threats to one's ability to be a provider, and what it takes out of you, and the fear (though I am a woman not a man, but relate more to how 'men' are expected to be) if there is a threat or reality that that is compromised- which he may or may not feel. But this was about you and what you felt. So it was a really bad idea for me to have tried to respond to your post. I truly do hope you can find assistance and understanding that can bring you relief and strength n other posters' comments, and reduce the terrible fear while you focus on your own recovery. It is and can be a very frightening and lonely space to be in. Made to feel more so when words are felt to be callous and unfeeling,, and you also feel misunderstood. I am sorry that mine made you feel that way. 😔
 
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sonnet

Learning
Hello @sonnet , I am sorry, I see how my words could leave you feeling:


It was insensitive of me, as I see you wanted comfort but I was more inclined to feel (knowing my own self only) that my own 'best' comfort when 'my world is crashing down' is a solution, rather than supporting feelings. But you are right, supporting feelings is what counts in those moments.

Like @enough , I've slogged at this a long time, decades, and it's gotten to the point surviving those very negative times (only for me) is sometimes life or death, so I didn't mince words. Not to blame you or to say you need to do 'more', but to say (only again because it only applies to my own experience), that as @Justmehere said getting needs expressed and met often comes with describing exactly what you need from someone else, because we often give in ways we know and vice versa, and they are rarely the same, and not necessarily noticed or interpreted by the other person as a loving or caring act, and hence their absence is seen as uncaring to the extreme. Not saying that to be critical to you, but to help you get what you need, which perhaps your H actually wants for you too? Or maybe not, but that is a story you have to hash out from your own intellect and heart, I do not know. (I do know within those moments in times like that I think all people feel like the other person doesn't care.)

Far as fingers go, I nearly lost only 2 ends and they really cause me grief and pain; I simply can't (personally) imagine setting up a stove missing 3 and 1 re-attached without help, because even holding screws would be a nightmare. But I understand in that profession it's an occupational hazard. I also don't have a friend to 'nurse' me, dtrs, or a spouse or family, but if I did (again ONLY me), I think I would feel more embarrassed than cherished to accept that kind of care/ doting, even though I provide it myself. I also have gone through several experiences and realities where basic self-care wasn't even an option, so though it shouldn't be I'm used to the mindset of not focusing on those needs at those times, and the fear of threats to one's ability to be a provider, and what it takes out of you, and the fear (though I am a woman not a man, but relate more to how 'men' are expected to be) if there is a threat or reality that that is compromised- which he may or may not feel. But this was about you and what you felt. So it was a really bad idea for me to have tried to respond to your post. I truly do hope you can find assistance and understanding that can bring you relief and strength n other posters' comments, and reduce the terrible fear while you focus on your own recovery. It is and can be a very frightening and lonely space to be in. Made to feel more so when words are felt to be callous and unfeeling,, and you also feel misunderstood. I am sorry that mine made you feel that way. 😔
Thank you Rosebud. I am learning the ropes still and will also try to be more specific about what I am looking for in a type of response I would like returned after I post. I am 58 and a well educated woman. I am quite articulate and have kept nothing from him, in fact, I have spelled everything out to him to the tiniest detail. I really tried to explain on the forum the pain/conundrum I encounter from the man whom says he loves me with all his heart yet fails me when he breaks promises or because he is not "loving" me. The stove was again being used as an example. We could hire the work done but he insists he will do the work himself. I just feel like I am chasing my tail. I do appreciate your lookback at my post and follow-up. Thank you.

Something we say a lot around here is to take what's helpful and disregard the rest. Our community tends to be frank and give a wide variety of feedback. It may be helpful to state outright the type of feedback or support you are looking for from peers.

It sounds like your husband has screwed up and dropped the ball on meeting some needs you'd like him to meet. Really be there for you. Anger isn't always an perfectly accurate measure of a matter, no feeling is, but it can be very informative and tell us when a boundary is crossed, we feel threatened, or something we value is at risk. It can help us identify what we care about and what we want to change. What I read that you value is being cared about equally as you have cared for your husband. You feel stranded, let down, not getting support. He's let you down big time. (I mean come on, 6 years delay with the stove!)

You very justifiably want support, connection, and closeness.
What you get is distance.
What you say to him is harsh words, critique, snapping at him.
What happens next is he gets more distant.
You feel more frustration and aloneness...
Around the cycle goes.

Getting through orthopedic surgery with support is hard enough! I hope that you do find comfort in the middle of this hard season in life with him.
Justmehere , thank you for your response. I want to say that he and I talked last night. He said he just had NO IDEA that it was so bad. I talked about me moving into the spare room. He swears he can do better that he does love me, finds me attractive, and is sorry he doesn't keep his promises etc... He asked me to please do not sleep in the other room. Broke my heart. I stayed with him in our room and he held my hand most of the night. This morning he says he is in shock.. Scared. And that he will do everything to keep me and make me happy with him. And is understanding now that communicating (after 40 yrs marriage) is the only way to preserve our happiness.
I did tell him he has a lot of work for me to trust him again. I know I have work to do as well and will put in the effort. I think between getting it out and then talking to him has been a positive beginning. I sincerely hope that love and support will be a new part of my life.
 

sonnet

Learning
I am sorry you are suffering so much @sonnet and not receiving support from the one person who is supposed to be there for you "for better or worse". It is a heartbreaking situation.

Confusing and very hurtful.

I do empathise. I went through plenty of a similar kind of negligent disregard and emotional coldness, from my kid's dad, so I understand the deep hurt and sense of betrayal and let down and confusion of "How can they be so uncaring and callous towards me, they are the person who's supposed to treat me as important to them?"
It cuts to the core.

It nearly broke me when I was at my worst, healthwise, and my partner just refused to be there for me.

I don't see there are any valid excuses for it.

It turned out to be a deal breaker for me.

I really feel for you, I can't imagine the extent of emotional, on top of physical pain you are going through, right now, or maybe I can, which is very heartwrenching.

I know this will do little to allay what you are going through @sonnet,but 🤗 hugs. I do really feel for what you are going through and feeling.

I hope you can find some solace and support, more, than you've been getting anyway, and I'm glad you have, at least, one friend.
Mumstheword, I ran out of time, but wanted to say a special thank you to you. You really seemed to understand the pain that I am feeling. Your words made me feel like I was heard and not judged. I cannot express my gratitude. Thank you.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
I feel crazy. I know my health is bad. Yes, I am not completely right in the head. I even fell (again) out of bed at 2am last night running away...nuff said. Fell on my knee replacement and other bad knee. Been nearly 5 months after knee replacement and still have PT twice a week. I have knots all up and down both my legs especially in my thighs. They won't let me bend my knee and make my knee weak. They hurt so really bad. All day, keep me up at night. And we use a foam roller also over them but there are just so many and they are so tight. The PT rubs a knot to the center where it is most painful and presses down hard. Supposedly the muscles will loosen up and begin to straighten out. It is working but hurts like a major MF. In the mean time am also getting iron infusions once a week. 8 weeks, I am on week 6. Also going to start water aerobics for my knee. I have got to make it unpainful and not so darn stiff.

Okay and now damn... Guess who isn't there for me in all this???? You guessed it... My husband. Two weeks after the surgery he was going to leave me at home alone.. 6 to 7. My GF was upset and took off work two days and came sat with me. He lost 4 fingers and I went to St louis with him. They saved one. and was able to return it back. I stayed there 10 days (put leeches on him). my daughters paid for a hotel that attached to the hospital. I cared for him and when he came home I dressed his wounds. It was constant things like this. I have a iron stove in the corner on tiles, Brand new. 6 years old. All pipes, Has to go through the roof though. He has promised me every year since my daughter bought it for us (me) that he will get it hooked up. (HE IS A MASTER CARPENTER) i told him last year, that this year we would freeze our asses off and that I would be upset if I couldn't stand in front of the stove to keep warm. Well bang, we did freeze! Well the point being...I could go on and on and on about promises he breaks to me,,,,and his children...and promises he keeps to his sister and family. Time he spends on his family, saying things like "I CAN'T LET ZACK DOWN" so I ask him them who the f*ck can you let down then? Okay I am going to cool off. I hurt too much. Good night.
Wanting the person who’s vowed to love you keep their promise is something I’m all too familiar with. I’ve been with my husband since 96, and he refuses to compromise no matter what I do. The devotion and admiration I once had have been punished from my heart by his neglect and emotional abuse. I had back surgery last year, and I’m blessed that my mom was able to care for me while I recovered; if she hadn’t, I would’ve been expected to get up at 5:30 every morning and take him to work. I understand the hurt and emptiness you feel. I’m so sorry you’re going through this; I wouldn’t wish that punishment on anyone. He sounds very much like my husband, entitled and controlling because he’s “the man of the house.” HUGS and well wishes.
 

sonnet

Learning
Wanting the person who’s vowed to love you keep their promise is something I’m all too familiar with. I’ve been with my husband since 96, and he refuses to compromise no matter what I do. The devotion and admiration I once had have been punished from my heart by his neglect and emotional abuse. I had back surgery last year, and I’m blessed that my mom was able to care for me while I recovered; if she hadn’t, I would’ve been expected to get up at 5:30 every morning and take him to work. I understand the hurt and emptiness you feel. I’m so sorry you’re going through this; I wouldn’t wish that punishment on anyone. He sounds very much like my husband, entitled and controlling because he’s “the man of the house.” HUGS and well wishes.
Thank you for your reply WonderWriter, you understood. You understand. It is like you are going through gaslighting, you do not know what to believe. It can't be real. The distress is so very bad. It is wrenching beyond belief.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
Thank you for your reply WonderWriter, you understood. You understand. It is like you are going through gaslighting, you do not know what to believe. It can't be real. The distress is so very bad. It is wrenching beyond belief.
Yes. There is a short story called, “The Yellow Wallpaper” that truly puts gaslighting into perspective. Here’s a link if you want to listen:
 
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