My world just exploded!

[lostforgottensoul]

Maybe consider it a kindness in helping to pay him back?

Pay him back for what? Yes, he went up to Kansas to get me but I also paid him every dime of rent back once I was able to work. He also moved back in with me for himself as well as he wasnt able to pay rent + bills + food + my step mom's self pay Dr and self pay medications and so he moved in with me for $400 a month everything included but food and he tacked that on himself. So we were helping each other.

So, I pay him back by having his wife dumped on me? That's a pay back for him helping me? What?

Sure, its reasonable, but now to expect me to do what exactly?

@Ragdoll Circus, she doesn't want to go to a rehab but will go but doesnt know where to go and how without money. Nor does she know how to stay in 6 months to a year which is what their "term" was. Or she seems to want to move, ASAP, with their car (she is hyper focused on this car thing right now. My dad has told me 3 times that he wanted me to take it since he never really uses it much but he has never spoken to her about it) but she has no income. No way to get anywhere or do anything.

I can't talk to my dad. I must go through my brother. If he wanted to give him POA, thats his business. I think he could have chosen better people for this reason but whatever. I am worried about the money I now have to buy a car dwelinging very quickly. We were talking about going our seperate ways...IN OCT. We had it all planned out on the best way to do so for the both of us. I dont know what happened. Just spring this on me and now I am forced to do what with his wife now?

 

[Justmehere]

So now, I am still faced with kicking my step mom out on the street which isnt even legal to do or spending every penny of the money i had saved for my car and then my car dying and being f*cked. I just dont know what this is,

Why isn't it legal?

She has options. I understand they are not ideal. Everyone is putting her addiction and the costs of it on everyone but HER. She is the one who has to do the work to get well. I also understand it's a financial loss for your father to stop enabling her addiction, but they gave you 30 days to find a new roommate or other options.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

it doesn't cruelly help her et well for you to provide a free home while she gets high.

She doesn't get high here because her meds are in my safe and I give them to her. I understand that wasn't at all a good way to handle it and knew that all along but my dad kept me from calling her Dr. Now that her Dr knows, he is tiering her off the meds.

You may also need to seek a new roomie, and let them know that you are planning to have a new roommate move into the room by xyz date.

I have severe issues surrounding people. That has been my issue with them moving out. But, I have a higher paid job now and will be ok alone now. Thus why my Dad and I picked Oct for them to finally move.

I can work on that but I can't force that. It is a big issue of mine that is one reason I need a service dog. My extreme fear of people. And that magnifies when its in my home where I sleep.

Why isn't it legal?

Link Removed

If she calls the police, they will force me to let her back in or I go to jail. It does not matter if they are or aren't on the lease. If they have a toothbrush in your home, you cannot kick them on the street, you must go to the courthouse and evict them. Period. I don't know if my brother and sister in law have been out of Florida so long that they forgot how this shit works here. She knows this fact as well. So does my dad as it happened to one of their friends.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

but they gave you 30 days to find a new roommate or other options.

Its not ME. I'm fine living alone. Its getting her out of my house. What am I supposed to do?

Plus, what is she going to eat in those 30 days and who has to buy that? He paid me rent and rent alone. He was buying the food. But, I can pay for my own food but do I tell her she can't eat any?

And when she doesn't move, who has to pay to legally evict her? Do you see how this all falls on me. It is NOT about them leaving. They can leave today. Whatever. It is about HER (his wife) being dumped on ME.

 

[Justmehere]

Yes, they did this suddenly and it would throw me for a tailspin too, any family abandonment would... and it stinks they did it without including you more in the process. I really think it's worth looking into Al-anon or some other support for you to get through the pain of the consequences of her addiction for you. This is her husband setting boundaries with an addict and taking what you agree are reasonable steps to be healthy. The pain for you is crappy collateral damage.

I don't know that he dumped his wife on you though. She isn't a child. You agreed to let them both adults into your home. You continued to let them stay past many problems and you knew it had to end. He has had enough. He walked out. Much sooner than planned, but she is responsible for herself. You are right that it is more complex than I realized to evict her - but she stated she is willing to go to rehab and seems eager to at least move out with the car. It doesn't seem like she's trying to stay past her welcome.

I'd offer to drive her to detox and/or the closest rehab facility, and when she is there she can work with the case managers and social workers about the next steps. She really should not be driving high and under the influence anyhow. Make arrangements for storage of her belongings if that is needed. Then once she gets into rehab, they have family counselors who can work with her and her husband and other family members about whatever ultimatums or terms they have made, and they have case managers who can help her get on Medicaid, disability, etc, and find a place to stay.

 

[Friday]

Pay him back for what? Yes, he went up to Kansas to get me but I also paid him every dime of rent back once I was able to work.

I didn't mean money. I meant

My accident in '09 is when my dad came up to KS and brought me back down to live in his house as it took 2 yrs to be able to walk again and a quite a bit longer to be able to work again

&

After my ex roommates moved out, my dad & step mom ended up moving back in due to VERY bad huffing duster addiction I had developed. It was really serious and life threatening and he [said] he was super worried about my well being. I had stopped huffing at that point but he moved in to be a physical presence to help me stay clean

I'm sure that you didn't have a long talk with your dad before your accident that you were planning on breaking your back and would need to be taken care of for 2 years, so when would be a convenient time for them to completely change their lives?

Because that's not how accidents & emergencies work. You had one & he stepped up. Now he's having one & you're in the position to be able to step up.

Sure, its reasonable, but now to expect me to do what exactly?

Help her pack & drop her off at her daughter's... Or drive her to rehab and pack her stuff and send it to either her kids or your dad. All of which can happen inside of 24-48 hours. Or you could stretch it out the month.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Ok, so I called my brother back and FINALLY I got to speak to my dad. He is allowing my brother to pull all the strings as he said "you aren't getting back on that plane on the 5th" and he was like "what?" But, my dad can do what he wants, obviously. I stressed my concerns with the eviction thing. My brother is, as i thought, going off of MI and having to evict one of his wife's daughters up there. He said you go get the eviction notice and serve it and it's free but it isn't. At least in Fl it isn't. There are court costs and filing costs and all sorts of costs to it. But, my dad promised me that he would make sure, if her kids don't do something by the last of the day in July, that he would come back or pay me for the costs.

My brother had an hour long convo with her son (I can only imagine how that went as her son is hard to talk to) and then her son called here and she has been talking to him now about an hr and it seems to be a heated convo.

Anyway, my dad, himself, asked me to grab his checkbook and all the checks and the thing that has all the life insur papers in it and keep it safe. I had no idea she tried to change the benefciaries on there to her kids. Or hide it as it won't fit in my safe. He also said, himself, out of his own mouth, that he wants me to buy the loan out for the car and have it. He also assured me that he isn't abandoning me but trying to get out from under her. Which, I get. This was just a crazy way to do it.

Now he's having one & you're in the position to be able to step up.

I don't mind stepping up. That wasn't my issue. And still isn't. My issue was 7/31/17 is here and she is still here, then what? And also paying for her to eat. He did say he would pay me back for her eating. Which, really wasn't the point. I don't split pennies and would give him all my savings if he needed it. My concern was not being able to talk to him and get his actual personal take on this. Now that he has spoken to me, I feel a ton better about it all. I mean, its all still insane and crazy and all over the place but I don't feel like its all out of control now. At least not at the moment. I am sure my mind will go spin this again but for the moment I feel better.

 

[Sideways]

. I am sure my mind will go spin this again but for the moment I feel better.

Breathe warrior lady! Glad to hear you're feeling more settled:)

When things stop spinning, I just wanna say that this sounds like a pretty heartbreaking situation all round. Your dad has, twice, uprooted his life to support you because he no doubt loves and cares for you very much. I'm sure this isn't a decision he's reached lightly, and he would be aware to some degree of how this has uprooted your life. He doesn't sound like someone who would have done that unless he really was suffering - and his wife, at this time of life when we imagine ourselves retiring and playing golf, is in a really dark place. She's pushed him this far. Her addiction may well have cost them their marriage. That's pretty awful.

I think maybe it shows not just his desperation here, but also his vote of confidence in you. He left her, but he left her with you. And while that doesn't make her your problem (she's an adult), it does say something about the way he sees you. I imagine that he loves you both, and doesn't want to hurt either of you. He just doesn't come across that way, for all his faults.

The financial side is a big stress. It's ok to acknowledge that without being considered a "penny pincher". Financial support you thought was there? Is gone, and without warning. Anyone would be affected by that, thrown by it, distressed by it.

But breathe whenever you can. You'll get through this, you really will. Think about where you need your boundaries to be, prioritise them, be clear in communicating them.

And be gentle with yourself. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for, and loved more than I think you know.

 

[joeylittle]

Life happens.

Best I can tell, the first phase of eviction request is just a letter you give her. Templates are online; it's a 3-day notice.

If she's non-compliant, yeah, you need to file. And that does cost money. That's the life happens part. Cars break down, basements flood, people get sick. It's never pleasant. But it's also just...life.

Your eviction process will go much smoother if no-one is paying a dime on her behalf for room or board, BTW. So you don't actually want that food money from your dad.

These are the times when the whole toolbox needs to be working. Getting tangled into family drama won't help. Who owes who what, whose fault is what...doesn't matter. She can be legally removed from your premises 30 days from now if you keep your head on straight and just do the steps.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@lostforgottensoul I would sit her down and say to her that you can not do this financially, physically or mentally with her addiction. I would give her an ultimatum.... Rehab, or eviction. Then do what it takes to get her out. I think what your father and brother did was shitty!!!!

 

[Justmehere]

If you let her stay and she doesn't have to face any of the pain of her addiction, and instead you, kids and her husband have to suffer the costs, and she has free food and board, then you are enabling her addiction. Regardless if she gets high at home or not, you are enabling her addiction and her enablers too.

You are helping her avoid rehab by letting her stay.

It's best for her and you to draw the line, start the eviction now, give her notice, and take it from there.

She has healthier options, don't help her avoid them. Even if it means you have to take a financial hit.

If you are going to ask for any money at all, and your father for eviction money not food money -- but don't leave the process hung up on him following through.

I wouldn't make any plans relying on verbal promises from him to pay or give you anything. He really doesn't seem able to manage himself in this situation. He left town with the goal of getting out from under his wife, but didn't even take his checkbook(s), or any steps to secure his finances, has fallen through on promises, signed away the right for someone else to manage his finances who doesn't seem inclined to act in your favor.

Cut your losses now before they become even greater.

 

[Beemo3780]

You don't have to take care of your step mother. There's a Polish proverb my grandma would say a lot when she didn't want to deal with people, "Not my monkeys, not my circus."

I agree with thinking the power of attorney is actually quite reasonable. I have one for my 66 yr old father that he created after my mother died. Both my husband and I also made one for each other when we got married. It's really a proactive measure to make sure your health and affairs are in order given the case something should happen to you.