Name Changes

[Hashi]

prime-no, I've heard similar things about France, that you can't change your name unless it's a word people think is offensive. I didn't know that a trauma history was a reason. I would hate to have to provide evidence of that.

I've wondered if the laws here might get tightened up as a result of heightened security. I think we're still operating in many ways on a sort of old-fashioned honour system, and still very liberal. When people in the UK complain about civil liberty, I appreciate that there are cases where this is violated, but I think in general we're one of the most liberal countries in the world. In fact, in many situations I can call myself by any name I like, whatever my legal name is.

I've found that people here are curious but never suspicious. Even in my last job when I had to go to places requiring a high level of security clearance, the police weren't at all bothered about it. I've never had problems with employment, I just told my referees of the change and they use the new name in my references now. Apart from my last job and the need for security clearance, my new employers haven't even known. Everyone here's very relaxed with regard to it. One previous boss joked about why hadn't I chosen her surname to use!

You've gone through a lot to change yours. In my mind, that makes it an even stronger and more empowering act. Respect.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I changed my entire name after getting married. The whole thing- first, middle and last. Last name to my husband's last name. My birth name scares me to hear it. I cringe when people call me by that name.

It was a simple process but it took some waiting for the court date. There was a bunch of people and you wait for your name to be called. Then you swear that you are not changing your name becasue of something illegal. That whole thing- less then 2 minutes. Of course that can change based on were you live. I don't remember the cost.

 

[NIKI]

I love this thread.

I have also been seriously wanting to change my first and middle name for a long time now. I want to do this but I am just feeling nervous about the people that know me as my name is now and the weird change over.

For those who have had the courage to make the change could you please tell me how you went about telling the people that know you as the name you disliked. I just don't know what to say. I would appreciate any advice about it.

I changed my name

I had an official name change

I changed my name

I changed my entire name

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I told my my Mum and said it wasn't anything personal. I respected her decision that she gave me my name, but I didn't want my fathers surname and I wanted a change, I wanted freedom from him. I then took a month or so repeatedly mentioning but never acting while I found what I wanted.

I said I wanted to change my middle-name as well, and would like to change my first name but she requested that I kept my first name, not only would she have found the adjustment hard but that part of my name was her choice not my fathers. So I kept that as compromise (one that I was willing to make) and rather than taking her surname, I found my own.

Overall she was incredibly understanding and even encouraging of my choice, she respected my choice for finding my own surname and understood that it was a way of hiding/ escaping who I used to be. My sisters were also understanding and despite not having been abused by my father, also wanted to change their name to be rid of him. Half a year later one has and the other is still waiting to find the right name - our mother is also accepting of this too.

 

[Hashi]

I copied a funny cartoon about names and made it into a little poster with added text saying: "Change of name from [old name] to [new name]". I was a student at the time and I put it up on my department noticeboard, so that was how I told my lecturers and fellow students. I made smaller copies into postcards and sent them to everyone I knew, writing a few personal words on the back. The people closest to me, I'd already talked to when I was thinking about it.

The people who get me were fine about it. Two of my friends gave me Name Warming presents, which was lovely. Some people were a bit puzzled, but most were simply curious and then accepted it. Some people thought it was a great idea. Some people thought it was weird and conveyed that, but those were people whose opinions I wasn't all that bothered about. I expect some family members are harbouring unspoken hurt and resentment about it, but that's not my concern.

The reactions I got included:
Are you on the run from the police?
Is this some sort of rebirthing?
Why didn't you choose my name?
I think everyone should name themselves.
I've always wanted to do that.

I have a friend who changed her name and announced it by inviting everyone to a party to celebrate, so even people who didn't go had heard about the name change. The party was themed around her new surname. I'm not that bold, but it was a good way to do it.

It is a bit weird at first, but that didn't last long for me. And it was worth it.

 

[Mayday]

I love this thread

Me too! I'm loving hearing people's experiences and how liberating it was for them...has really given me the confidence to start thinking about a new name

My sisters were also understanding and despite not having been abused by my father, also wanted to change their name to be rid of him.

I love that your sisters are supporting you in this way

 

[Mayday]

Just checked online and it's about $150 to change your name in New Zealand, which covers the application and a certificate as proof of the name change. Just a matter of making a statutory declaration. So although it's not a huge amount, it's still something I'll need to save up for while I'm finding the right name for me. Am feeling very good about this! :)

 

[p-no]

Hashi,

I didn't know that a trauma history was a reason.

It is here in Germany, other countries I don't know. I think though it also depends on the actual person sitting in front of you when you apply for it. I was very lucky. The man who usually does it was sick so I saw his colleague, a woman.

I would hate to have to provide evidence of that.

The woman read all my evidence and was very personally touched, compassionate and respectful. She saw to everything going smoothly and quickly. She often reassured me of her seeing this through. In the end, all the man had to do was check everything and put a seal on it. I met him when I picked the certificate up and he was a lot less personal about it all, but he was also definitely fair and caring in an official way.

My cousin who is a social worker said to me the other day when we met that it is not at all easy to get your name changed in Germany. I consider myself very lucky with the woman and the man at the office concerned. Also with my therapist who I knew would put all her effort in and even appear there in person if she had had to. But all went fine.

I've found that people here are curious but never suspicious.

My experience here is that people are curious AND suspicious. I don't mean in a way that they would think I was a criminal (and how then would you get your name changed anyways), but rather about me being in danger and thus them getting in danger.

the police weren't at all bothered about it

Maybe that's because they know how easy it is in the UK. I mean if it is that easy, it's probably looked upon as something not so serious, people don't worry so much.

they use the new name in my references now

I should have explained that more. Here we don't have those types of references. Here, once you leave a job, you have the right to a "work certificate", giving detailed information about your work (quality, quantity, personality...). It must be sent to you within a certain time after your last day and it must fulfill quite a few requirements. So, once you have it and once it's the final version (you have a legal say in this), it's over. That's your certificate and changing your personal information is not possible. So, it's not really a reference (we don't have those), but a certificate that will stay the same, once you have the final version.

an even stronger and more empowering act. Respect.

Thank you, Hashi. Actually, it does mean a lot to me that it went the way it went (and had to). I know that I did this for me and sitting there in front of the lady and later in front of the man (for the final check, so he read the whole thing, too) certainly wasn't what I consider a fun afternoon, but I knew I would not leave without it and knew I'd come back and do what was necessary to get this done. I felt my own determination and guess I radiated it, too. I was actually glad it was so expensive. I paid for it. I had taken on a second job to get enough money. It was a bit like my divorce: I initiated that and had a lawyer, and no matter if he had paid his share or not, I would have paid every penny of it. (He did pay half of it though.)

 

[NIKI]

The reason I want to change both first and middle name is because my parents ALWAYS called me by both names. And...wait for it...my mother gave me her name because we have the same birth date. :meh:

I am not that little girl anymore and do not want any reminders of it. I want to give myself a name of my own choosing, one that I love. It would be liberating.

Thank you everyone for telling your experiences. I'm getting braver by every experience I read from you all. :)

 

[p-no]

NIKI,

could you please tell me how you went about telling the people that know you as the name you disliked

I told those closest to me beforehand (dad, cousin, few friends). Well, my dad is a special case, I'll skip him. My cousin grew up with a lot of my abusers around; some of those were also her abusers, and some of hers were mine. Meaning: she totally got it and supported it. Friends: Most curious, asking why and how, then accepted it no problem. One worried very much about using my old name unintentionally but I told him that's okay and no problem and that I understood that it may take some time to adjust to. We agreed that he did not have to worry if it happened (he's a perfectionist and HATES doing the "wrong thing") and I would just go by my new name. One good friend of mine surprised me (did not expect this from her!): She said, "Oh, you're changing your name, no problem. As long as you don't tell me you're a lesbian all of a sudden." I didn't tell her that. ;)

When it was clear the name change would go through I told my godson's parents. His mom used to be a good friend of mine, but his dad has also always been abusive and I don't like him and have lost her to him, so to speak. So, the only reason I told them was my godson. I told them and they didn't believe them. I had to show them my new ID card. I did this only in order to be able to stay in touch with my godchild who was 13 then. If it hadn't been for him, I would have got up and left. I was so angry. Showed them the ID card which had them "resign", "declare defeat", so to speak, of my craziness. I left it at that. I told them one of the reasons why (abusive ex-husband, who is also the godfather of their son), another thing they dismissed as me being crazy. Trying to say that I haven't seen them since. Thank goodness my godson has been old enough to meet with me in the city when I come visit.

I was forced to inform my aunts (my mother's sisters) because of a mutual inheritance (so much about data protection). I handed the new name and address and documents in to the court who happily passed it on to them. Oh well. One aunt accepted it and switched to using my new name, the other tried to send me on the guilt trip, didn't work, end of story.

I told another friend of mine, someone who was a very good friend before I moved here. I haven't heard from him since (weeks now) and don't expect to. He's a Christian and about 50% of the Christians I've told (friends) could not understand it, not relate, and not accept it, and partly put their blinders on and pretended I'd never said a thing, calling me by my old name. I decided at a certain point that I would not accept that any longer and since then, there has been no contact (I gave it some weeks adjustment time, but that didn't change a thing).

I told Canadian friends who have been gone from my life since then. Those are people I had been friends with from age 16.

As for work:

I had taken on a new job before I moved, still with my old name. Then came here to my new city and handed it the certificate of the name change which had the boss call me into the office (before my first day) to "talk about things". I went (talk about anxious) and got it over with. Once he had had that talk with me (he had said nothing about the name change in it, but yes, that's why he called me in, a colleague was a good friend of mine and told me), he was fine and happily changed his files (my friend told me he was singing while doing it on his computer, lol).

Job search: People always seemed very curious (partly nosy) and asked every single time. After a few interviews I thought I'd understood that that was about them being scared of getting into a) danger and b) staff trouble with me depending on my background. My general reaction from then on was: "I have changed my names for solely personal reasons which do not have anything to do with me being in any danger nor being under pressure for anything." (I had gotten the two same cards on the table from almost all of them: a) Are you running from someone/something? b) Does your name change have any implications for your work here? (Really asking: Are we getting into trouble/Will we lose you again soon/Etc.?)

They also tried other questions (like trying to enter the house through the back door (German idiom, sorry, no clue if you understand)), but I just sounded like a broken record repeating what I had said already. I did find a job! :)

My top 5:

Are you running from someone/something?
Why are you doing it?
Yea, yea. (Brushing it off, not wanting to know anything further because the topic was uncomfortable to them. But accepting and respecting it nonetheless.)
-- (Silence)
I've been thinking about that myself... Followed by loads of in-depth questions.

I also made beautiful little cards and put my new name and my new address on the front, and this quote in the back:

"Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that." - Ellen DeGeneres

I celebrated with myself and some red wine. :)


NIKI, there's one thing I'd like to stress: I think if one is not 100% (not one percent less) convinced to do this, one shouldn't do it. Because you can never know how people will react. I had people leave me standing there and I've never heard from them since who I would have never thought would react this way ever. Really very close people, until then, who I'd known for a long time and very well and vice versa. So, make sure that this is what you want for you and you alone, and make sure to think thoroughly about what price you are willing to pay for it.

I can only agree with Hashi: So worth it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

P-no,
People amaze me every day. Walking away from someone for something like a name change? So wait, they could handle the PTSD but walked away for that? I'm puzzled. Then again, I'm not. People can be so weird.

 

[p-no]

One of them even had PTSD herself. I don't know what that is about, really. Maybe they think that if you give up your name you have no identity, sociopath-type of stuff? No clue. I do see though that it is about them not me. When I was 19 and went to inpatient I told a friend. Never seen again. Maybe it scares people? I don't know.