Sufferer Name pretty much says it all

[TooOldTooLate]

Diagnosed with CPTSD almost 7 years ago, I'm 57 and have been told that from the almost 4 years with my therapist that I have probably had it since I was pre-verbal, and at the least since I was 2 years old. Found out in the first 2 years of numerous therapists and numerous modalities that because of growing up in the great hippie experiment of the 70s, in hippie mecca, Eugene, Oregon, I had been subconsciously using CBT, DBT, Mindfulness, yoga and meditation since they were taught as PE in schools then. I call them "psychological bandaids", because they only work until they don't.
Have had a lot of suppressed memories coming to the surface with this therapist, which I guess is good in a way, because at least now I know why some things trigger me, but I really struggle with having no guidance on dealing with them. My T is more of a talk therapy, which I wanted, because I wasn't getting anywhere going over the same techniques that I learned so young, but I don't think it's helping either.

Depression is also an issue and I have also been diagnosed as agoraphobic.

Working with a case manager to try to find another T to see as well as the one I already have, but having an all but impossible time finding anyone who doesn't want to immediately slap me on antidepressants, which all make me psychotic within 2 months, tops. I have been poisoned by these drugs so many times I'm more afraid of them than I am of dying.
I've read all the books recommended, done every therapy out there except hallucinogens, ketamine, TCM and EMDR. EMDR doesn't work because I am not able to visualize.

My primary care provider just discharged me in retaliation for reporting his clinic's pharmacy for stealing a month of my Tylenol 3s, and the case manager can't find anyone who will even keep my BP meds going. Being a beta blocker, stopping it like I'm looking at having to do puts me at extreme risk of heart attack or stroke and my biggest fear is that it WON'T kill me, but make me even more dependent. I'm not afraid of dying, just the manner.

My T says it's hard to deal with past trauma when all I have between sessions is more trauma and they see their role right now as a safe place to vent. That's all well and good, but it doesn't really accomplish much of anything and the 50 minute hour is a joke. No matter what condition I'm in, clock dings, he says time's up, see you in a week. Beginning to feel like all I'm doing is paying for all of the new tattoos they've been getting.
There's so much more going on than I have room or time to put here, but I guess what I'm looking for here is real understanding, support and new ideas.

I am at the end of my rope and the knot is fraying while someone lit the other end on fire. I think I'm falling

 

[Riley Jones]

I'm so sorry to hear about the immense pain you're going through. It takes a lot of strength and courage to open up and share your experiences. I want you to know that you're not alone in this journey. The myptsd.com community is a safe place filled with people who understand the struggles of living with PTSD and CPTSD.

It's wonderful that you have been proactive in seeking therapy and trying different modalities. It can be frustrating when techniques that have worked in the past no longer seem effective. It sounds like you're longing for more guidance in dealing with the resurfacing memories. While talk therapy can be valuable for creating a safe space, it may also be helpful to explore other therapeutic approaches that offer more practical tools for coping with trauma.

In your search for a new therapist, consider looking for someone who specializes in trauma-focused therapy, such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). Although you mentioned that EMDR hasn't worked for you in the past, it's important to remember that every therapist has their own unique approach. Perhaps a different EMDR therapist can offer a modified approach that suits your needs.

It's unfortunate that you're also facing challenges with your primary care provider and accessing necessary medication. I hope your case manager can find a solution soon. In the meantime, please take care of yourself and do what you can to manage your health and safety.

When you feel like you're falling, reaching out for support is crucial. The myptsd.com community can provide the understanding and empathy you're seeking. I encourage you to create an account on the website and explore the different forums available. You can connect with others who are going through similar experiences, share your story, and exchange ideas for coping strategies.

Remember that while community support can be immensely helpful, professional help is essential too. If you're in crisis or feeling overwhelmed, please reach out to a mental health hotline or emergency services right away.

Please know that even in your darkest moments, there is hope for healing and recovery. You have already shown incredible resilience and determination by seeking help. Keep reaching out, keep sharing your experiences, and together we can find new ways to navigate this challenging journey.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum. You described incredibly eloquently something that I can relate to a lot right now. In this place, at least, folks help keep my head above water on the really tough days.

 

[arfie]

hello tooold. welcome to the forum. my 69 year dignity requires a few harrumphs at the thought of 57 being too old or too late. my one goal in life is to be living fully on the day that i die. i don't believe feeling too old or too late is gonna get me there. that said. . .

i am a child sex trafficking survivor and started therapy in 1972 at 17 years old. i don't really expect to **just get over it** but feel like i am living proof that healing happens and you are never too old to heal.

time has no meaning in the healing process. ~algonquin proverb

 

[PlainJane]

Welcome :)

 

[TooOldTooLate]

hello tooold. welcome to the forum. my 69 year dignity requires a few harrumphs at the thought of 57 being too old or too late. my one goal in life is to be living fully on the day that i die. i don't believe feeling too old or too late is gonna get me there. that said. . .

i am a child sex trafficking survivor and started therapy in 1972 at 17 years old. i don't really expect to **just get over it** but feel like i am living proof that healing happens and you are never too old to heal.

time has no meaning in the healing process. ~algonquin proverb

No disrespect intended. I wish I FELT 57 but I'm just so, so, so tired... And disheartened and frustrated and heartbroken and lonely. Add in the confusion and the memories surfacing and uncertainty and it just leaves me too tired to even think about. I just wish I could sleep like I did when I was too young to know anything. Pain pulls me out of bed and music keeps me going through the day.

 

[arfie]

I wish I FELT 57 but I'm just so, so, so tired...

on that yardstick, i feel "younger" at 69 than i did at 19. i'm certainly sleeping better. truth be told, i'm not a great admirer of that particular yardstick don't youthenize me. i'm proud of my experience. feeling bad feels equally bad for all ages.

embracing the healing mysteries can take you surprising places, if you let them.

 

[whiteraven]

My T says it's hard to deal with past trauma when all I have between sessions is more trauma and they see their role right now as a safe place to vent. That's all well and good, but it doesn't really accomplish much of anything and the 50 minute hour is a joke. No matter what condition I'm in, clock dings, he says time's up, see you in a week.

Oh yeah...I get this. I'm in the same position, except we do online, and he spends a lot of time clock-watching. I hope you are able to eventually get out of the current trauma and begin working on the past. I know how useless it feels when all you do is vent.

My primary care provider just discharged me in retaliation for reporting his clinic's pharmacy for stealing a month of my Tylenol 3s, and the case manager can't find anyone who will even keep my BP meds going. Being a beta blocker, stopping it like I'm looking at having to do puts me at extreme risk of heart attack or stroke and my biggest fear is that it WON'T kill me, but make me even more dependent.

Wondering if you have tried a clinic? I have had multiple issues with primary care providers (including one who no longer wants to see me because I complained about an egregious medication error someone in his office made), and I'm to the point where I get physically ill if I have to go to one. So...I found a clinic nearby--I can either see one person all the time, or just see whoever is available. It's sooo much better. I'm not completely sure why, except I feel less pressure from them or something.

but I'm just so, so, so tired... And disheartened and frustrated and heartbroken and lonely.

You'll find lots of folks here who can relate. I'm 62, btw, and have also had symptoms of cPTSD since very young, but was only recently diagnosed.

 

[TooOldTooLate]

Oh yeah...I get this. I'm in the same position, except we do online, and he spends a lot of time clock-watching. I hope you are able to eventually get out of the current trauma and begin working on the past. I know how useless it feels when all you do is vent.

Wondering if you have tried a clinic? I have had multiple issues with primary care providers (including one who no longer wants to see me because I complained about an egregious medication error someone in his office made), and I'm to the point where I get physically ill if I have to go to one. So...I found a clinic nearby--I can either see one person all the time, or just see whoever is available. It's sooo much better. I'm not completely sure why, except I feel less pressure from them or something.

You'll find lots of folks here who can relate. I'm 62, btw, and have also had symptoms of cPTSD since very young, but was only recently diagnosed.

Yeah, mine is online, too. I've had "white coat syndrome" for a long time now, due to spending so many years being made psychotic from every antidepressant out there, and I even get serotonin syndrome from some muscle relaxers and synthetic opiates like vicodin and percocet. Then my daughter dying for almost 5 minutes from a sprained ankle and drunk surgeon pretty much put the icing on the cake.
Unfortunately, the meds I'm on, I have to sign a contract every year to get, and that requires a PCP. My case manager is trying to find someone who will just keep me on the same thing that has been working for 6 years and even she is having problems finding anyone that doesn't want to take me off them and make me psychotic again. I won't survive that again. Every time it happens, I lose another good piece of me and they haven't come back. I hate the person they've turned me in to.