Head spinning = my version of anger.
Head spinning = my version of confusion.
Happened yesterday. T and I are working together to interrupt the patterns forced upon me as a young child in managing my anger to be something more productive. So I can live my f*cking life again.
Head spun yesterday so I called T. She walked me through how to change the energy of such situations which I seem to be led into by these people very often. She is helping a ton.
No.more.head.spinning. But what that means is that I have to take responsibility for my own actions in these situations, which I am happy to do.
Her advice? Few words. Never explain myself to these people. They use it to prey upon me. From what we can see (T and I) my head spins when I am not given the option of expressing myself. I need to stop having to rely on this. I need to find people that don't set me up for this type of drive but I also need to switch it around.
Right now I am following her lead. Just to look at different options. More mature options for my anger. It is especially challenging when I can't use words. But I will figure it out.
Head spinning needs to stop. It leads to a 'helpless' state in me. That is what the regression is all about. I want/require/willnot stop until I regain my power and get my life back.
Okay, so the plan from today is to keep up with touching base with her when I get that head spinny thing. We are going to keep trying to interrupt it and redirect it towards a more healthy pattern of behaviour.
Surprisingly, my being able to label the head spinny thing as 'anger' or 'confusion' is really helpful for me. It is a form of chunking down which makes it less overwhelming.
It is super helpful being able to get T to come onboard and help me understand the various healthy ways of dealing with these two emotions.
Cold. I completely lost my shit at the beginning of last week. It started with my realizing I forgot my purse when I got to babysit the grandkids the other day (last Monday I think). When I realized I had done so, my head started to spin out. I told my son I needed to go back home to get it. About an hour round trip.
I got into the car and started driving and reached out to T. That was huge. That means (to me) less compartmentalization.
I got to a lot texting T. Not having my purse in the cold triggered me into the times that I had no money for gas when it was freezing out and had to just sit in a freezing car. I couldn't afford to buy coffee even to warm up. Because I was homeless I couldn't even boil a kettle full of water. I didn't have money to pay for a phone so couldn't reach out for help.
I felt so betrayed. And people were so f*cking cold towards me. I couldn't believe how cold they were.
So at this point, in order to figure out my crazy triggering around the cold
Cold = Betayal
Cold = not just weather but cold PEOPLE.
Let's see if being able to put an emotion to it can help me sort all of this cold thing out. Crossing fingers. Working hard. I am reclaiming my life. I am sick of this bullshit.