Naming and understanding multiple emotions

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
Head spinning = my version of anger.
Head spinning = my version of confusion.

Happened yesterday. T and I are working together to interrupt the patterns forced upon me as a young child in managing my anger to be something more productive. So I can live my f*cking life again.

Head spun yesterday so I called T. She walked me through how to change the energy of such situations which I seem to be led into by these people very often. She is helping a ton.

No.more.head.spinning. But what that means is that I have to take responsibility for my own actions in these situations, which I am happy to do.

Her advice? Few words. Never explain myself to these people. They use it to prey upon me. From what we can see (T and I) my head spins when I am not given the option of expressing myself. I need to stop having to rely on this. I need to find people that don't set me up for this type of drive but I also need to switch it around.

Right now I am following her lead. Just to look at different options. More mature options for my anger. It is especially challenging when I can't use words. But I will figure it out.

Head spinning needs to stop. It leads to a 'helpless' state in me. That is what the regression is all about. I want/require/willnot stop until I regain my power and get my life back.
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
Okay, so the plan from today is to keep up with touching base with her when I get that head spinny thing. We are going to keep trying to interrupt it and redirect it towards a more healthy pattern of behaviour.

Surprisingly, my being able to label the head spinny thing as 'anger' or 'confusion' is really helpful for me. It is a form of chunking down which makes it less overwhelming.

It is super helpful being able to get T to come onboard and help me understand the various healthy ways of dealing with these two emotions.
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
Cold. I completely lost my shit at the beginning of last week. It started with my realizing I forgot my purse when I got to babysit the grandkids the other day (last Monday I think). When I realized I had done so, my head started to spin out. I told my son I needed to go back home to get it. About an hour round trip.

I got into the car and started driving and reached out to T. That was huge. That means (to me) less compartmentalization.

I got to a lot texting T. Not having my purse in the cold triggered me into the times that I had no money for gas when it was freezing out and had to just sit in a freezing car. I couldn't afford to buy coffee even to warm up. Because I was homeless I couldn't even boil a kettle full of water. I didn't have money to pay for a phone so couldn't reach out for help.

I felt so betrayed. And people were so f*cking cold towards me. I couldn't believe how cold they were.
My God.

So at this point, in order to figure out my crazy triggering around the cold

Cold = Betayal
Cold = not just weather but cold PEOPLE.

Let's see if being able to put an emotion to it can help me sort all of this cold thing out. Crossing fingers. Working hard. I am reclaiming my life. I am sick of this bullshit.
 

Changing4Best

MyPTSD Pro
Annoyed because someone keeps tapping on my window some nights. I wonder who. I wonder why. I wonder what they get out of this. So wondering is definitely a part of this.
 

ms spock

Sponsor
Before anxiety.

We wore masks to go to a medical appointment and I got the time wrong and we got there 40 minutes early.

Got a Shingles and Flu shots

Now relief - came home, showered and talking half an hour time out,

Challenging my thinking - distorted cognitions - that feels much better when I do that.
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
Okay, so had a bit of a meltdown last night. It seems like when I am not 'wrapped up tight' in the emotional control department, I sink into hopeless despair and I want to - you know the word isn't die - because I think I was too young to know what die was - but it is a matter of not wanting to exist anymore. This goes back to the stage I had where I would wander outside, find a ditch and drop. There is documented stuff from Children's Aid of me doing this when I escaped from foster care at the age of approximately 19 months. So it is a somatic replay.

I have broken the body connection now. I no longer watch my body take over and attempt to freeze to death in a ditch somewhere these days thank god. But the feeling is still there. And it is a very immature feeling that until T contacted me this afternoon, I didn't have a name for. I documented how it felt in my diary last night. I got lovely support from others on the board which is very healing and I will thank them and respond as soon as I deal with this emotional naming piece. Anyway, I think T is right. It is grief. She thinks I am describing grief and I think, looking back on the posting that she is 100% correct about that. It fits too. I have literally lost almost 15 years of my life through all of this. The best years of my life. Grievous losses. And that is something to grieve about. I expect there is some anger there too. Not certain the word some is appropriate.

The word hopeless that I was referring to last night in my diary I think translates into the grief. And T says I need to acknowledge and feel that grief. That it is time to walk through it so my parts can start working together again.

I speak in my diary about the shock (trauma?) of realizing how much time has passed. She says the key is to acknowledge that shock. Allow it. Breathe through it. Use the skills I have learned to lean into it and she guarantees I will come out the other side ready to move forward. Okay.... Tall order that. The feelings last night were almost overwhelming. I didn't sleep at all. I wanted to not exist, I just didn't know how to execute that. Thank goodness perhaps.

Today was about nurturing the young and almost mortally wounded part of myself that was so raw last night. I arranged for the grandchildren to walk in the forest with me. They just this past week went back to school after my teaching them every day since June of last year. We have become very close and it has allowed me access to my 'Mother Part' again. So much has happened during this time I can't even document it but what has been happening is profound. It is like an instant replay of the trauma that has destroyed me and I am replaying it again with complete mindfulness.

Okay, so this is me putting a name to so hopeless I need to annihilate myself. Annihilate myself so others won't annihilate me. My god. This pre 2 year old part felt the need to annihilate herself so others wouldn't do it to her. I expect there is some grief in there too. I watch my grandchildren and have provided to them safety and security. I am modeling what I needed back then. That is healing yes?
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
I forgot the part about meaning. Viktor Frankl. It has been a challenge all through this to seek out a meaning for all of this. I think that is part of the hopeless feeling as well. What the f*ck is the meaning in all of this? PUnishment? Scratching the itch of the strong sadism veins in this family? And that was my mistake before. That is the family. But you see I have done all of this exploration and I won't be a part of these elements in the family. I have walked away from most of it. Most in this family are unable to face what this is. Meanwhile, I am seeing those uninterested in the lessons damaging their own children as I, their father and they themselves were damaged. The meaning, unfortunately will not be taken on in most branches of this family.

As much as I would like the meaning to be about my family, mainly it is not. Instead I am coaching people who are willing to look at their re-enactments of family trauma. It is a good business and I love it. Especially when working with children. That is my purpose? Paradoxically I cannot help those I love and I suppose I have to come to terms with that being okay. That I must be okay with helping those I am not so closely connected to.

Hurts like hell. I think I have to come to terms with that hurt does not translate to a lack of meaning. And that is really difficult to swallow but if I am going to heal I have to have a translated purpose and be good with that. No idea if anyone else understands this but myself. *heavy sigh*

Long and the short of it all is work through the grief. Don't lose site of the purpose. Keep moving forward even though it feels like I am leaving loved ones behind (because I am). It feels heartbreaking but it is necessary. Keep moving. Don't stop. Be mindful that processing these emotions is the key out of PTSD hell difficult as that may be.
 

ms spock

Sponsor
I have a lot of high anxiety. I want to learn how to be in my body. I space out when I am around other people. Then I babble. I block using verbal flooding to the other person.

I do weird things because I have to be special to prove that I didn't deserve the abuse.
 
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shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
I do weird things because I have to be special to prove that I didn't deserve the abuse.
Helpful. Always, always helpful. To everyone but myself. If people don't see me as helpful they will abuse me. Except the people that fall for that manipulation, I have noticed, take advantage. Talk about an endless negative feedback loop. I have been really taking myself to task on this one so I don't repeat it moving forward.

I space out when I am around other people.
Everyone or just some people? How do you know when you space out and when you don't? Do you notice that in the moment or afterwards? Do you practice healthy breathing when you are feeling well so you can use it as a tool for yourself when leaving your body?
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I think one's feeling of purpose has to come from inside @shimmerz ; that is, does it feel like 'your' purpose, not defined by another? Since it's no one's purpose to be abused (so relationship to the family is not likely it). Your work- does it bring a sense of purpose, since you love it? And, you may find more as you go. I suspect it's heavily influenced by what one values, who or what's worth living for.

I heard something similar today, where it left out all single people/ people without families/ spouses as having in essence no purpose to even mention. I thought thanks heaps, that's sure helpful (not). Won't be listening to that again! Which always boggles me, because from what I've seen many people define themselves by their roles which often they express regretting or begrudge, not what they actually love.

Hope that makes sense. Best wishes to you. 🤗
 
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