Naming and understanding multiple emotions

[shimmerz]

Yes, that does click @bird_on_a_wire , thank you. I have been stuck on these adult kids of mine for a long time. I think that is the internal driver and it made me sick for quite some time. I think you may be right. This new work of mine that I have created seems to be full of purpose at this time. It's what got me through all of this PTSD bullshit. I think I am feeling that if I move forward I am abandoning my family, which I think ties into own abandonment as an infant.toddler. That rings quite true.

Thanks so much for helping me get there. Best wishes right back at you!

 

[scout86]

Remember, "it ain't over till it's over". Maybe you don't have family members who are ready, willing, or able to get onboard now. That doesn't mean they never will be. Live your life. Help the people who are ready and willing for the help. Let your family watch from the sidelines. It's always possible that, someday, it will dawn on a couple of them that you've got some stuff figured out. People have to be ready and they get there in their own time, you know? Or they don't. You're not abandoning anyone, even if it feels that way in this moment. You won't be any farther away than they make you be and you'll always be ready to do what you can for them.

 

[ms spock]

Helpful. Always, always helpful. To everyone but myself. If people don't see me as helpful they will abuse me. Except the people that fall for that manipulation, I have noticed, take advantage. Talk about an endless negative feedback loop. I have been really taking myself to task on this one so I don't repeat it moving forward.

Yeah I am so over this one. I must not offer to do anything more for anyone.

Everyone or just some people?

I don't do it with B so much now. I watch myself from a distance with others.

Last time I spoke to my psychiatrist I was more there and I felt connected with her. I was a little bit distanced and watching myself but more there than doing that.

Or I do this verbal blocking where I start babbling and I am only marginally aware of the babbling but I am blocking any emotion that can through from them to me.

Or I think of someone and I dissociate and do ruminative thinking about them - what they could think or feel - what I said that was crap last time. And I do that a lot. I really destabilise thinking about how I acted weirdly.

Sometimes I practice things to say so I don't make an idiot out of myself next time.

How do you know when you space out and when you don't?

I am blocked.
I can't feel myself.
I am up there or over there.
Or I am babbling trying to say things that I think people want me to say.
Mostly it is a sense of not being there, being blocked and doing something frantically. It feel different.

This morning I was in my body at the kitchen table with my partner. I felt myself. I was there. I was present in this now and I as present in this time. It felt a bit freaky.

Do you notice that in the moment or afterwards?

Yesterday I did a lot of gardening I saw a rash on my leg. I didn't act. Today I see I have a swollen spreading rash on my leg and I take some phernegan as I am allergic. I can do this because I am in my body.

Often when I am talking I notice after a few sentences I have gone - so slightly aware of what I am saying but I am babbling and can't stop myself.

Do you practice healthy breathing when you are feeling well so you can use it as a tool for yourself when leaving your body?
For two days I did the Dadirri Mediation with Aunty Mirriam Webster, and that was good but I haven't done this today or yesterday.

I do need to do the breathing but I find it really hard to do. It's really hard to know if I am here at times or not but I being more aware.

I find stuff around my body triggering so I have got to find some way to work on that.

 

[shimmerz]

I posted this song in my diary. Spoke about it in general over there. In this posting I will need to tackle the emotions at that time. Perhaps that will help me get to the hopelessness that comes at me so strongly through all of this. Meat Loaf - I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That) (Official Music Video) - YouTube

Meatloaf actually does a really good job I think of putting across the emotions in this video. What I see in the video is a great amount of conflict. Almost a pleading with himself to understand that he needed to have boundaries in this case. There seems to be an element of defending his character by saying 'I wouldn't lie to you' etc etc. Almost another element of bartering .... I don't know about that but it seems like it.

Hmmmm, almost more pertinent is his almost begging to be understood in his stance. ---- yes, that is it. And if I can't get anyone to understand then I might as well be dead. There it is. That is it. My asking to be understood by the children. That is what keeps banging around in that 'blonde brain of yours' as Eric used to say. That's it.

"And you can see there comes a time that its time to move on"

BINGO.....

Crazy how the mind seems so f*cked up....but you just need to listen and the answer is always right there.

People don't need to understand me in order for me to stand in my power.

Right. That's it.

I should change the name of my diary to Miss Understood. I think this being misunderstood at the core of much of what is happening right now. How do I make myself understood moving forward again? I don't.

 

[ms spock]

So I woke up with high anxiety this morning so I put an ice pack on my neck, had physical contact with my partner, and then had a cold shower for 1 minute and 16 seconds.

 

[shimmerz]

I would actually prefer this emotional wheel. I like that it contains more positive emotions. I find most of them are all about fear/anger etc. I want joy and happy and peace type feelings. Oh, and Powerful is a whole category in this one and powerful is really important when sorting out this emotional stuntedness that comes with trauma.

Using A Feelings Wheel to Name and Understand Emotions

Children dealing with loss and trauma are generally dealing with emotions they have never felt before. Alternatively, they are dealing with an intensity of emotions they have never felt before. Either way, they are ill-equipped to deal with those emotions. Your job is to find tools and methods...

hope4hurtingkids.com

 

[shimmerz]

More good categories still. I will be sitting with this over the next few days to work out how to find activities that match the positive moods and then work on filling up some time during the day with these things.

The Emotion Wheel: Exploring a Compass for Feelings

Plutchik's "Wheel of Emotions" covers 8 fundamental emotions.

positivepsychology.com

 

[Rose White]

That article is full of helpful information. I can see myself using and exploring it as well as incorporating it in my classroom for writing activities.

 

[shimmerz]

Just for kicks. Start my day off with a giggle.

Good ol' Monkey!

This gives me joy.

 

[shimmerz]

'Feelings Wheel' Will Help You Better Describe Your Emotions

For when simple words like "sad" or "mad" don't quite cut it.

www.simplemost.com

 

[shimmerz]

So, it's the Powerful portion of this wheel that I want to be tapping into today when I am at this course. I need to do the best I can to tap into the emotions that I lose when I am in a room due to my trauma. I need to take my power back so what I do is focus on a few of the properties on the wheel under the Powerful category and bring them to life the whole of today - especially prior to being in class so i can walk in with it.

Confident
Valuable
Worthwhile
Successful
are all on the outer ring and things that I definitely lose while I am compromised whilst in a room with others.

Appreciated
Respected
Aware (specifically of good connections in the room)
are in the inner ring.

So as I picture this part of me that I am creating to try to balance out the helpless/hopeless shit that I feel as the traumatized infant/toddler, I do what I can to anchor back to a past time in my life when I could cope well with rooms full of people. I try to bring that forward into today so I am not walking in with the stories of what happened to me during the DV.

Some of the Peaceful and Joyful categories as well, but I am trying to kick out the helplessness and to me that means I should be focusing on the Powerful category the most.

 

[shimmerz]

A post from 2018. Damn, I have come a long way. I wish I could say in a short time!

Going to course today. 3 days this week. It was hard to get through 2 days last week.

I don't see trepidation on the wheel, but I am going to put that in the fearful category. I am worried that I will pass out in course.

trepidation --> insecure --> fearful

I am worried I am going to pass out in course. lol. At least I am consistent!

So, not even close to passing out in class yesterday - nor do I expect it to be a problem today. Nice to see some entirely different emotions being the strongest in me these days.

Confident
Worthwhile
Successful

Those are the emotions I am aiming for today. And the thing is, I think I used to feel that these emotions just 'were'. I have realized now after much teasing and practicing with identifying those emotions (and thus tapping into parts) that I am the creator of the emotions I carry. Unless of course, I am being actively victimized, which I am not at the present. I have removed all people - including family - who are just venting against me. f*ck off. I have better shit to do.

There, good healthy discernment - also part of the powerful part of the emotional wheel I am using. Walking straight back into my power again. Everyone get the hell out of my way. ;-)