Naming and understanding multiple emotions

Well even if they are well-intentioned- at least son #1, another thing you can do then is be more honest with #1 but hold your words with #2. Son #1 may feel son #2 has the answers or support for him and #1 is too worried. (Just a possibility.)

But as you said, it may not be a bad thing. However:
Brings back memories of how it felt to be forced into this position in the first place. Discernment was never my forte apparently. This having to ride it out to see which side of the fence I should be watching from has me destablized some and trying to figure out how to ground out.
Yes, who wouldn't be. Triggered to the max. You can also say, "i will think about it and get back to you". If they are speaking to you as they are (and their mother) they need to up the respect ante- you can also say I'll return to this conversation when you speak respectfully to me.

Wow. All I can think of is some people need their as* kicked.

I don't think there is anything wrong with your discernment. Not a crime in trying to think well/ better of them. But by the sound of it they aren't acting in a way that earns the right.
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
If they are speaking to you as they are (and their mother) they need to up the respect ante- you can also say I'll return to this conversation when you speak respectfully to me.

That's just it. You know my story to a degree I think. Disrespect has been a big part of this for a long time. They have learned well from their father. So I disengaged. For a very long time.

It has all the sudden changed. Great respect. Great effort. Above and beyond to get me settled and safe. Commitment to even. And that has been playing out for 2 weeks now. The switch has been so quick. And I feel like an idiot feeling thrown off by it.

It's like 'wait a minute! This isn't the way this works in this family! I don't trust this."

Funny how life works sometimes.
 
Yes and you can say that exactly to them: what is with the sudden interest and concern? (You wouldn't say you don't trust it, that card you can play to your chest) That is not argumentative, especially if you refuse to get pulled in to an argument.
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
That is not argumentative, especially if you refuse to get pulled in to an argument.
Rarely do I get pulled into arguments. So i don't think that is a risk in all of this. I do get thrown off when things change quickly and without rhyme or reason. I think I am trying to decide if I am hanging on to the delusional mother piece of me that her sons will stop hating/disrespecting/wishing I was dead. It's like everything that happens I feel these kids are programmed to try to erase me from the family. Not the son who has been struggling on his own to help me. But this other son. I would love to think that he has seen the light. That he remembers lessons I taught him.

I will be safe for the next year because of him. I would love to trust that he is doing it because he is a good person who realizes the human side of himself and acknowledges me as a person, a mother, someone who (still) loves him, but of course there is the side I have been repeatedly smashing into while these years have been so horrendous. The son who would rather turn the other way and ignore what is so blatantly happening in this family.

I think I will just need to wait and see. I am going along with it because son who has been trying to help me is cracking with the pressure and needs help. For that reason alone I need to go through this process and do my best to set my son free from this horrendous situation he has been in.l

I keep recalling my latest t, who I respect very much, saying, please, don't forget about the damage that has been done to your sons through this. So hard though when i know I could be turned on in an instant. Or not.

Confusing and disorienting. What do they say about 'just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you' or something like that? Crossing fingers that this family is working its way towards healing. Thanks so much for all of your time tonight @CoolBreezeonahotday .
 
Oh @shimmerz it's ok! I laid down a minute and conked out! I just got up and am going to lay down again as I have time to. But I wanted to check on how you were doing.

I understand and agree. However, if it's anything like my family, Idk what to say. I've watched some blame everyone in turn until they died off. It continues.

I think I will just need to wait and see. I am going along with it because son who has been trying to help me is cracking with the pressure and needs help. For that reason alone I need to go through this process and do my best to set my son free from this horrendous situation he has been in.l
^^ Just try not to be black or white thinking. There might be more than 2 alternatives (continue the same vs this).

Hugs to you!
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
I've watched some blame everyone in turn until they died off. It continues.

Yes, agreed and there always need to be a mouse in this house of cats. Interestingly, I am not certain if you meant 'died off' literally but that is where my head went as soon as I read this statement.

I am a strong willed, based on truth, pitbull type personality. I meant it in another thread when I said I am planting the seeds in the family to have this man hang himself. I refuse to go to birthday parties where this man will be. I will absolutely NOT allow this type of behaviour to be modeled to my grandchildren. I have given up trying to see 2 more of my grandchildren because the contempt runs so deeply in my 3rd son. I will not take part in this for the children's sakes.

My mother-in-law actually died of a broken heart in front of everyone. She found out I was pregnant and died less than a month later. When he was 19 years old I watched as my ex cried like a baby as she died. Prior to that he had complete and utter contempt for her. After her death, and for the next 40 years he modeled to his sons how to hate their mother to death like he did his mother.

In this family, being a mother is a high stakes game of life or death. Usually not life. No word of a lie. For the record, this family (father and sons) has millions of dollars.

After a conversation I had yesterday I believe they want this all swept under the rug at all costs. This family secret, from what I can see, is NOT something that will be tolerated. So Mom, take my money, take my help, and be normal. Forget what happened. Do NOT speak about it again. Not EVER.

I expect this will require further dissecting of emotions in this thread.

Isn't commun to have conflicting emotions?
I think it is common @Givrali, but I also learned to see conflicting emotions as a bookmark. A reason to give pause and ask - why am I conflicted like this? What happened around this to have me be conflicted. For myself I noticed it was usually a compartmentalization of some sort.

^^ Just try not to be black or white thinking. There might be more than 2 alternatives (continue the same vs this).
@CoolBreezeonahotday , you have been a massive help to me about this whole thing. @Teasel , thank you so much for the kind wishes. So appreciating the support around this. It is so helpful knowing there are others who understand what this is.
 
Ah @shimmerz you are very welcome. But it's really 'you' that has the knowledge, heart and grit to get through this. Have faith in what you know and step back from it mentally and emotionally when it helps to do so. Clarity of thought.
In this family, being a mother is a high stakes game of life or death. Usually not life. No word of a lie. For the record, this family (father and sons) has millions of dollars.

After a conversation I had yesterday I believe they want this all swept under the rug at all costs. This family secret, from what I can see, is NOT something that will be tolerated. So Mom, take my money, take my help, and be normal. Forget what happened. Do NOT speak about it again. Not EVER.

Yes they died and yes to the above. Same here with family members, but it didn't have to be men. One part of the financial success has been total self-pre-occupation I think. It was a relief that 2 of us didn't have to protect my mom after she died. And the others went ballistic.

But I admire your courage, because I think I ended up pretty decimated. I believed I was unlovable, still do I guess.

However, you know what? When all is said and done I have no idea what is the cause of their choices (although one said before she died 'total self'), or how it will run the course. Distance and strong boundaries are mandatory. I realize it might feel or be like a chess game out of necessity. 😞 Because it is so horrible and horrendous emotionally and otherwise it is necessary to focus on who and what doesn't do that. People will and can only change themselves and they have to be able, and want to. It's hard to accept (especially with grandchildren), but you know they'd only be used as pawns anyway. Count the victories however small, take a breath and treat yourself with the Utmost kindness. Like Thomas Merton said, "Peace demands the most heroic labor and the most difficult sacrifice. It demands greater heroism than war. It demands greater fidelity to the truth and a much more perfect purity of conscience."

I am careful to not think that quote means I am right. But if I do what I can, try to root out my resentments and still end up targetted, well. I said to a family member I truly now believe some things really won't be reconciled in this lifetime. And if that's the case I have to be ok with that. But just as equally, I should try to gravitate towards love, peace, health, sanity, support. I don't want fighting or discord, particularly if it's manipulation or has no desire to heal. And with contempt there is always a sense of superiority. But the sense of it doesn't make the person superior- just miserable.

I have to get going but just to ask, how is it that you feel you are such a burden to son #1? (Don't say if it causes you to spiral under the circumstances. But also remember under the circumstances the negative views of yourself and the future will be magnified.) 🫂
 
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