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Naming and understanding multiple emotions

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A post from 2018. Damn, I have come a long way. I wish I could say in a short time!


I am worried I am going to pass out in course. lol. At least I am consistent!

So, not even close to passing out in class yesterday - nor do I expect it to be a problem today. Nice to see some entirely different emotions being the strongest in me these days.

Confident
Worthwhile
Successful

Those are the emotions I am aiming for today. And the thing is, I think I used to feel that these emotions just 'were'. I have realized now after much teasing and practicing with identifying those emotions (and thus tapping into parts) that I am the creator of the emotions I carry. Unless of course, I am being actively victimized, which I am not at the present. I have removed all people - including family - who are just venting against me. f*ck off. I have better shit to do.

There, good healthy discernment - also part of the powerful part of the emotional wheel I am using. Walking straight back into my power again. Everyone get the hell out of my way. ;-)
Love this for you. I believe you will do great!
 
Disbelief.
Confusion.
Attempt to protect myself.
Complete collapse (literal).
No words.... silence
Chaos.
Frustration.
Overwhelm.
Imploding. Over and over again.
Inability to control external chaos.
Drop.
Hopeless.
Helpless.
Despair.
 
15 years and it looks like it may be finally over.
Hard things this family is facing.

I know you're fine but what do I do?
I explain.
I beg.
I plead.
I try to be heard.
I try to understand why nobody seems to notice.
I give.
I am exhausted.
I am completely overwhelmed.
I vacillate between determination and needing to collapse.
I am demoralized.
I stand by who I am.
I refuse to pickle myself in resentment from the constant insults and attacks on my character.
I KNOW who I am.
I refuse all labels.
I am strong and I know it.
I be the best person I can be under the circumstances.
This is all so exhausting.

"While you're so polite and composed" <-- This is it.
Homeless, called mentally ill, ignored, insulted, character has been annihilated. Somehow I am supposed to be in tip top shape during all of this.

Yep, there is the resentment. That needs to go. Not doing me any good.
 
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Feeling confused distressed happy sad thankful relieved angry hopeful lost terrified anxious
Think it's all
 
@shimmerz I am sad at what you are going through, but sitting with you.

I could have quoted a lot but:
the constant insults and attacks on my character.
say NOTHING about you and EVERYTHING about them. family or not. Never to old to scapegoat. But d*mn right it's not worth your resentment. Imagine a stranger hearing or dealing with what you've heard and dealt with. Unfortunately family can be the most violent place on earth.

I am pulling for you. I hope you can rest. 🫂🫂🫂🫂

Do you have a place to stay?
 
Do you have a place to stay?

Thank you so much @CoolBreezeonahotday. It has been a long haul and I think part of why I am posting so much these days is trying to manage my emotional decompression as two of my sons are currently committed to and executing a plan for me to be housed for good.

Unfortunately family can be the most violent place on earth.

This is the most succinct statement I have heard on this matter. I think it is disorienting for me as this has been a horrendous family to be the mother of. I am confused as to why the sudden interest in my being housed. It is spinning me out some. Did these men actually learn what I taught them? These are the men I taught them to be. Thoughtful, compassionate, human. I am in an extremely vulnerable position right now. I could easily be being reeled in for more sucker punching.

I am hoping that is not the case.

I so appreciate your offer for sitting with me. I could use the company.
 
@shimmerz this is horrendous! It also doesn't matter if you were the Most Perfect Mother on Earth, you can't predict how they will act or know their motivations. (Often they are financial). Or if they'll start one way and change. But life is long.

However, the best thing for your defense is not to fall apart and give them ammo or credence (I know, feels impossible to do). Perhaps think of it like someone with alcoholism most easily identified by their spouse or family appearing 'nuts'. In other words, detach, rest, hold your ground, refuse to get pulled down the rabbit hole in the name of 'motherhood'. Start with a breath. Eat. Have a bath.

If it isn't offensive to you I will say many prayers for you.

Is there anyone who can advocate for you also? Though tbh, I think it's only because you are beaten down and terrified/ horrified I'd even say it. Better than an advocate really are friends, people who support you if anyone knows (and I understand if they don't. But that might be part of the problem). I have rarely met anyone with your wisdom, strength and terrific ability to have brought together your knowledge with lived experience and accomplished great things. Don't forget that. Don't argue it, show it (when you choose). Sounds also like they pulled this on you, recognize the feelings also from being blind sided. 🫂
 
Don't argue it, show it
This is sage advice, thanks so much for this. Prayers are never offensive. I am not religious but have been known to believe in a higher;/greater power.

I think that is the trick in all of this. 1 son has done his damndest to get me safe. He only has so many resources. He onboards second son (who I think started out just helping original son - didn't have interest in helping me)

Dynamics feel like they are changing somehow. Real effort has been put into this. I believe they have secured a place for me. Depending on which way I choose to look at this it could be terrifying or exhilarating. After 15 years not having to worry about housing again is quite appealing. Put my trust in the wrong place and life could have me spinning down the drain again.

Brings back memories of how it felt to be forced into this position in the first place. Discernment was never my forte apparently. This having to ride it out to see which side of the fence I should be watching from has me destablized some and trying to figure out how to ground out.

Don't argue it, show it is something I can really put into play right now. Thanks so much!
 
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