So, I’ve been pretty good at being able to put feelings into words these days. Started off really slowly with like obvious feelings mad sad things like that. Then I started to be able to break it down a little bit more. Am I mad or am I in raged? Sad or frozen? I still think there needs to be an emotional wheel for people like us with PTSD. For instance, I don’t actually get depressed, my body gets frozen. I’m assuming because of my conversion disorder there’s an emotion attached to that but I haven’t quite figured out yet so I just call it frozen for now.
So I’ve been coasting along fairly well the past month or so. I really gained a lot of ground in lots of different ways. My whole inner thought patterns have changed. I’m more familiar with this shimmerz so I’ve been coasting along fairly well the past month or so. But Saturday. Man oh man Saturday was just a shit show. I couldn’t figure out how I felt if I tried.
I mean a few words came to me because this all happened over the course of a couple of hours.
Disorientation came to me. Over and over again. I’ve noticed that when I get lost going someplace I haven’t been before but I have an actually noticed it when I’m not driving I’m looking for a particular location. So that was a big deal figuring that out. It makes sense too. The first two years of my life would absolutely have been a disorienting experience cubed.
I ended up dropping the rest of Saturday and Sunday. And I’m going to say that disorientation feeling is what is actually making me drop now that I think back on things.
All of this is happening as I’m preparing to go to a local show with my essential oil blends for mental health and it is really stretching the bounds of my ‘safe’ feelings. I have to admit I’m pretty pissed off at myself that I keep letting this get to me but I also understand. I understand that my inner child is being triggered up and disorientation is something that she felt often. Perhaps even always.
Sunday I just simply didn’t have any energy at all. I literally stayed in bed all day. I’m cutting myself some slack for that. Today, Monday, I feel very well grounded again. And I’ve done these days and that before and I’m just trusting that wants the feeling goes I’ll be able to get up and start moving again.
An interesting thing and all of this that I noticed this morning is that I had that conflicting feelings when I was trying to negotiate a shower with myself. The conflict was back.
No, you don’t need a shower this morning. Your hair looks like shit but who cares. And the good thing is is that I noticed this this morning and mindfully determined that I wasn’t going to go through the conflict. That’s never a good place for my brain to be and it sets a bad pattern for the day. So when my brain goes into conflict like that’s my default is to go to the more positive resolution. So, no arguments in my head I’m gonna have a shower . Which I did. Showers get me out of frozen. I have no interest in being frozen.
So, this morning, I’m going to say that the feeling is purposeful. That’s the theme for today.
