Naming and understanding multiple emotions

[ILoveLife]

@shimmerz some tips on connecting emotion to accurate reaction? like: feel sad, cry.

I just realized I don't cry when I'm sad, my life has to feel like it completely sucks for me to allow myself to cry. Otherwise, why bother?

Same with other emotions, I may feel happy but if the smile isn't involuntary I remain serious, or half serious.

Or when I'm feeling frustrated, my reaction is to sob uncontrollably.

Like, mismatched reactions, not appropriate to the situation at all. Or maybe they are, I dunno.

 

[shimmerz]

Really good point Sietz. I will have more thoughts on this soon, but this is totally relevant and I didn't even think about it. I have these silent tears that happen all.the.time but don't feel sad at the time. So happy you mentioned this.

 

[ILoveLife]

Oh man @shimmerz, another one for us.

@Ninja just asked me (paraphrasing here) if I think my emotions are only appropriate if they concern trauma.
This hit me like an nuclear bomb. I'm still processing this, but I'm going to try and start connecting emotions to post-trauma situations, see if it's possible to apply the above in that way, appropriate reactions to normal emotions outside of trauma.

 

[shimmerz]

@Sietz, I had to wait until my housing trauma had resolved because I couldn't feel any other emotions besides the tsunami wave of every emotion known to mankind mixed in together - which of course, was made any thought of identification of them lost to me.

I think the issue for me was that any other 'single' or 'identifiable' emotion was buried by this continuous swirl of mixed emotions that were absolutely clouding everything else. And the interesting thing is, now that that has lifted, and now that I can attach to emotions outside of that trauma, I am noticing that my life is naturally drawing me towards a non-trauma driven life again. I am actually seeking out experiences that are outside of the trauma box.

It's almost like this compulsion to re-enact so that I can sort those emotions out has receded somehow.

It was a great question to be asked, because I think a large part of this healing stuff is being able to understand and synchronize the mind body heart and soul connection. Thanks @Ninja for teasing us with this concept!

 

[shimmerz]

I haven't found this on a formal emotion wheel yet, but I am just going to improvise.

Pissed off --> Determined --> Focused

Just for the record? It's never good when I get pissed off. I am
Disgusted --> Have been Violated --> Disrespected

What's really cool about this whole emotion thing is that when I finally fought through the fear I realized that there sits a whole whack of anger. And my fear of that anger created a loop. I am guessing some of you will be able to relate to that.

And this may make sense to nobody else but me, but because you died, no - because they mocked you as you were dying - just as my parents did to me - you have allowed me to externalize that will to live. Something I never really seemed to muster for myself. I couldn't - even through all of this healing - will myself to want to live. But now? Oh, I am going to live alright. To fight the battle that YOU lost. And that's setting me straight in my own trauma. I want to live because I am pissed at what they did to YOU.

Now that I have figured out how to channel that anger into action - the fear has disappeared. As a matter of fact, I think much of this was all about being frozen in the fear of my own anger. I was always so terrified of it.

No more. I am letting the anger out. Those of us who loved you are building a plan. We are supporting each another. We have had enough.

f*ck.fear.
I am not amused.
Oddly enough, I would have been okay with me dying. But you?
No. And THAT is how I re-internalize my will to live.

Mark my words. I won't ever forget the
Betrayal --> Frustration of being Provoked --> I feel Very f*cking annoyed

Sad --> Because your life wasn't pointless --> Grief

RIP Paul. It won't have been for nothing. I swear to you.
2019 is all about reparation. Not a threat. A promise.

Staying clear. Staying focused. No violence. No backing down. You just made this personal. It was a mistake to underestimate me.

Please forgive the intensity. I just can't take 1 more street person dying. I know I have to, but I need to pull apart and name these emotions so I don't lose my mind from having to keep watching this happen.

 

[shimmerz]

I am going to apologize first because this is again going to be a venting thing. It has been really useful though, this venting thing because I am channeling my anger --> rage -> disgust --> contempt for a certain group of people here.

Long story short. One of the people at one of the dinners I go to has been having this psychotic thing happening since just before Christmas. It isn't usual for this person. She has been chatting with me the past bit, asking for some - idk the word, and it isn't this, but I can't think of the proper one but I am going to say she is asking for my guidance.

While she was telling me what was happening with her, I dug a little and asked if she has been eating or sleeping. No. She hasn't had ANY food since mid December. Like none. And she has a case manager and she isn't helping her get to the food bank - which isn't accessible by bus where she lives.

Anyway, I am furious for her. How the HELL do you be assigned a case manager and literally be starving and not sleeping oneself in psychosis without these people knowing? What kind of soul-less beings are these people? <-- I am going to call that rage.

I am telling this story for a reason. It is helping me channel my anger through someone else and then bring it in and internalize it to apply to my own situation. This strategy is working really, really well. The thing is, I am seeing that the Sadness --> Helplessness --> Despair that I for her is something I absolutely must have felt for myself. And that sadness leads me to anger.rage.disgust but I am converting it over to action. Action for her. On her behalf. Something that I could never do for myself through all of this. Thus, the conversion disorder.

No idea if that makes any sense to anyone but me but those of you with conversion disorder may be able to relate.

Anyway, the long and short of it all is that I am feeling these very complex feelings for someone else - and I believe that is the starting point with identifying and healing this somatic shit. If I can see feelings in someone else's situation first and then apply to my own situation - that is the process of internalization.

Hell yes I am enraged at what these f*ckers did to me too. I just didn't have time to pay attention at the time because I was too busy surviving. Now that the survival stuff has been taken off my plate I can actually convert the anger I have on this woman's behalf and make it my own as well (for my situation). And I think developmentally that is the key to reprocessing developmental emotional stuntedness. Recognize it externally, and be in a good enough place that I can see clearly that there is an empathy for this person's situation because I can experientially relate to it. Figure out how it relates to me and I can internalize the ability to feel anger etc without it overwhelming.

Sorry if this is confusing. It makes sense to me.

Now - today this woman was fine. She has slept. She slept all yesterday. She has food and has been eating. f*cked up behaviour has left her. Whew. So then I think - hey - know what that anger of mine led to because it motivated me into action?

I am Proud of her --> I am relieved that she is okay --> I am thrilled that she is focusing again --> I am hopeful for her.
She is all of these things and more as well about herself but this post is about my emotions.

And guess what? I can internalize that too. Not only do I feel those things about her but also,
I am proud of me --> I am relieved for me --:> I am thrilled i am able to focus again --> (not quite at the hopeful part for me yet)

But it is a start right? And look at how many emotions I have unpacked here. And generally I think these very states (based on the emotions) would be swimming around inside of me unidentifiable as they have been most of my life. And because I have teased them out and then apart, they aren't overwhelming me and taking over my physical self, rendering my body into an extreme freeze state.

Conversion disorder - go f*ck yourself. I have better things to do.

Bottom line? Satisfied. As I have been saying to this woman all day today.... 'Well f*cking done my friend, you are the most kicked assed warrior I have EVER seen." But really? No.

She runs a close second. :-)

Onwards. Look out world. I'm baaaack.

 

[Abstract]

Don't have the head space at present to answer better shimmerz but wanted to say:
a/ go you warrior woman -hooray
b/ I used a very similar means of finding these emotions for me so its very interesting to see your process on many levels. Thank you.
c/ yes, believe similar unconnected dots in my psychi were connected to the conversion stuff for me and you make perfect sense to me.
d/ connecting them had a big impact on the related symptoms. Along with mindfulness.

 

[shimmerz]

make perfect sense to me

So appreciate that Abstract. Thanks so much.

 

[Abstract]

Thanks so much.

You are so welcome. Thank YOU Shimmerz.

 

[Abstract]

Is nausea an emotion? Its one of mine related to trauma related stuff. Not sure what else to call it.

 

[Teasel]

@Abstract that's fear? Fight or flight stuff?
This worksheet was given to us in my PTSD group

 

[Friday]

Is nausea an emotion? Its one of mine related to trauma related stuff. Not sure what else to call it.

Revulsion & Loathing (both types of Disgust) are synonyms for nausea...

...but it’s a sympathetic (fight/flight) nervous system response that causes the voiding (puking, shitting, pissing yourself); or the first step before doing so (nausea, or toilet urgency).