I decided to start a journal because I don't know where else to word-vomit this particular thing. I've ducked in and out of here since joining, and I really love the community, but also can't guarantee how consistent I'll be. It feels strange to start a journal in that spirit, as I'm part of other online communities and know that the consistency is where a lot of the magic comes from. I'll try to take the pressure off myself, though. I just feel so grateful and humbled, already, from the responses to the few things I've put out in the world here. This is seriously a gem of a place!
The thing I want to write about today, is this: I spoke with a person the phone earlier this week who I haven't spoken with in over two years. He was my primary abuser for many years as a child, up through my late teens, and when I decided to cut contact a few years ago (pretty much immediately after beginning to admit to the abuse) I have been unwavering in my insistence and refusal to speak with him or see him despite many, many, many attempts on his part and attempts by people close to him to wrangle me into talking to him/seeing him. It's one of those tricky situations where if I attempted to get legal protection it almost certainly wouldn't go anywhere because there is no "evidence" of the abuse/torture at this late date and as he is a figure of authority who is highly esteemed in his [religious] circles, the chance of me a) being believed and b) gaining support from people in his life is almost nil. Etc and so forth and this is beside the point of what I want to write.
I was just worn down by a lot of things this week and didn't have the wherewithal to resist the most recent attempt at contact. It was maybe a ten minute conversation.
But it opened up this entire world of feelings for me that I haven't felt in ages. Talk about a serious resurgence of stockholm syndrome type thoughts. I feel like someone has flipped my brain inside out, and I find myself thinking thoughts about how "He is the only one who knows what is really good for me in my life," and "He knows me better than anyone else," because he is the only one who will admit to the deep dark sick evil inside of me, and then take the drastic measures needed to try to remove it from me. All of a sudden all the work I've done with my therapist feels fake somehow, and like she can't really care about me because she hasn't laid a hand on me.
It's like this weird glorification / borderline worship of him surging up from my deepest insides, and has thrown me into deep suspicion about everyone else in my life. I am in the throes of the urge to isolate from everyone in my life who is not him, and also have experienced a marked increase in suicidal ideation that takes the form of, "I'd have to essentially destroy my entire life here to go back to him, and there is no guarantee that he would even take me back, and so I'm stuck here with all these awful people who won't even tell me the truth about anything," and then the "logical" answer in this litany becomes to harm myself in some way.
I can half see around and outside of this stuff, like maybe there are three of my toes that are still sitting on the ground of sanity and health that my therapist and I have worked on carving out for me. But the rest of me has dropped into the netherworld of crazy land, and I can hardly tell which way is up. I don't actually think I'm a danger to myself, and do have a plan to get help that I feel committed to following the steps of if I were to find myself in a space of actual danger.
I guess I'm mostly trying to express the experience of feeling like everything has flipped itself inside out. I've worked so hard on trauma related things, and now I feel like maybe that was all for naught if ten minutes of hearing his voice and I'm ready to literally bag my whole life outside of him. I feel entirely unhinged, and it is most unpleasant.
The thing I want to write about today, is this: I spoke with a person the phone earlier this week who I haven't spoken with in over two years. He was my primary abuser for many years as a child, up through my late teens, and when I decided to cut contact a few years ago (pretty much immediately after beginning to admit to the abuse) I have been unwavering in my insistence and refusal to speak with him or see him despite many, many, many attempts on his part and attempts by people close to him to wrangle me into talking to him/seeing him. It's one of those tricky situations where if I attempted to get legal protection it almost certainly wouldn't go anywhere because there is no "evidence" of the abuse/torture at this late date and as he is a figure of authority who is highly esteemed in his [religious] circles, the chance of me a) being believed and b) gaining support from people in his life is almost nil. Etc and so forth and this is beside the point of what I want to write.
I was just worn down by a lot of things this week and didn't have the wherewithal to resist the most recent attempt at contact. It was maybe a ten minute conversation.
But it opened up this entire world of feelings for me that I haven't felt in ages. Talk about a serious resurgence of stockholm syndrome type thoughts. I feel like someone has flipped my brain inside out, and I find myself thinking thoughts about how "He is the only one who knows what is really good for me in my life," and "He knows me better than anyone else," because he is the only one who will admit to the deep dark sick evil inside of me, and then take the drastic measures needed to try to remove it from me. All of a sudden all the work I've done with my therapist feels fake somehow, and like she can't really care about me because she hasn't laid a hand on me.
It's like this weird glorification / borderline worship of him surging up from my deepest insides, and has thrown me into deep suspicion about everyone else in my life. I am in the throes of the urge to isolate from everyone in my life who is not him, and also have experienced a marked increase in suicidal ideation that takes the form of, "I'd have to essentially destroy my entire life here to go back to him, and there is no guarantee that he would even take me back, and so I'm stuck here with all these awful people who won't even tell me the truth about anything," and then the "logical" answer in this litany becomes to harm myself in some way.
I can half see around and outside of this stuff, like maybe there are three of my toes that are still sitting on the ground of sanity and health that my therapist and I have worked on carving out for me. But the rest of me has dropped into the netherworld of crazy land, and I can hardly tell which way is up. I don't actually think I'm a danger to myself, and do have a plan to get help that I feel committed to following the steps of if I were to find myself in a space of actual danger.
I guess I'm mostly trying to express the experience of feeling like everything has flipped itself inside out. I've worked so hard on trauma related things, and now I feel like maybe that was all for naught if ten minutes of hearing his voice and I'm ready to literally bag my whole life outside of him. I feel entirely unhinged, and it is most unpleasant.
