Narcissist Abuse And Second Chance At Healthy Relationships!

[therapybankrupt]

I am codependent by nature;

Hi Jemini! i researched and ordered information from the group CODA. It is a group for codependents. It is a bit like AA. I read all there stuff and got a better understanding about myself and am working on this in therapy. I never went to a meeting. You may want to check it out.

I feel for you having such a difficult childhood. It does seem that you get it though. That is the beginning of wellness. Acceptance....
Now you need to stay away from the narcs and develop the strength you need to break the bonds of codependency. You will gain so much freedom. Freedom to make your own decisions. Freedom to live as you like without having to have constant reassurance. You will know what is right for you.

Best wishes on your wellness journey and thanks for responding to this thread!

tb

 

[therapybankrupt]

Narcissists and codependents need each other.

Hi Pietro! Yes narcissists need codependents but we sure as heck do not need them. It is life destroying to those who fall prey .I belong to a group for victims of narcissists on facebook. I want it drilled into my head so I never make the mistake again.

I am not sure but. I thought the woman with the narcissistic traits were referred to as a Histrionics? You may want to research that because there a other specific traits to beware of. Hoping you can work on your codependency. Like I mentioned above I learned a lot from CODA. I am encouraging you to know the traits of the narcissist so you can find your self in a healthy relationship in the future. Thanks for noting my accomplishments. I need to remind myself more to!

tb

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Yes narcissists need codependents but we sure as heck do not need them. It is life destroying to those who fall prey .

I don't know definitively if my wife is a narcissist, or codependent, or something else, and I don't know likewise what I am in these regards. I want to learn more about it. I am angry at her for some things that do feel very narcissistic -- an inability to see any perspective but her own, and sometimes cruel violation of respecting my feelings and acceptable means of communicating. But I refuse to villify her. We were unhealthy and codependent, definitely, and both of us have emotional problems that have caused each other pain. She has certainly suffered as a result of my emotional problems, even if my pattern is to be codependent. My needs have overwhelmed her. And she is a good human being. I love her, even as I am angry, even as I see things that she will not about how she can be destructive. I want to be free of the life drain, and away from the patterns. I am allowed to be angry. But I want her to be free too, and not be in so much pain.

I am sick of narcissism though. I have noticed I am much happier in the company of people who reciprocate naturally, who want to share as much as they listen (or vice versa?). I need to learn a lot about how to deal with my pain and sorrow without either demanding other people tend to these things or demanding of myself that I hide them in shame. It is confusing, especially when the amount of pain is so great, it feels like more than anyone deserves to deal with. I hope this is making sense. I will look into CODA.

 

[Pietro]

I'm sorry I'm not being coherent.

Hi Jemini, You were being completely coherent -- enough to make me see some of my own life history in your story. :)

People say to look at myself, to be okay with myself as I am, to learn to love myself, "reparent" myself. Everyone who says this has family and supports and I don't know how to apply this advice.

Not everyone -- I think this is sound advice, and I am quite isolated in my journey. :) However, people have to understand that it's not so simple as to hear the advice and take it -- it doesn't work that way. It takes a while to come to these kinds of understandings and beliefs, through processing, therapy, etc. I don't just start loving myself because I say "I'm gonna love myself starting today!" Doing something like that would likely make me feel worse. :D

But I want her to be free too, and not be in so much pain.

Have y'all done couples therapy? Is she agreeable to something like this? I'm divorced now, but probably could have stayed married had my ex and I gone through some really good couples therapy. Similar issues you described, as well as poor communication skills, were the problems we had.

 

[Pietro]

I belong to a group for victims of narcissists on facebook.

There are groups for this?! I need to look into that. :)

I am not sure but. I thought the woman with the narcissistic traits were referred to as a Histrionics?

"Histrionic" behavior is one flavor of "Personality Disorder". "Personality Disorders", especially "Borderline Personality Disorder", can incorporate an enormous amount of narcissism, and NPD and BPD could even be considered to be on some type of spectrum.

The CODA materials are very good. I went to one meeting, once. The 12-step format doesn't work so well for me, but the materials they produce are very sound and useful. I agree that this would be helpful.

I am encouraging you to know the traits of the narcissist so you can find your self in a healthy relationship in the future.

Yes, I've gotten very good at spotting this in others now, and have become more skilled in avoiding such people. :) I'm still interested in the dynamic as to why I would be attracted to such people to begin with, and continue to learn about that.

 

[therapybankrupt]

@Pietro This may help if you have a Facebook account. After Narcissistic Abuse - There is Light, Life & Love You will be amazed at how many people have been duped as you have. You have a community of people who have been through what you have. It almost gets cookie cutter. The stories are different but so much is the same as what you experienced.

I don't know definitively if my wife is a narcissist

I listened to over 200 you tube videos by Sam Vankin a narcissist himself. Researched nacissism till my brain was going to bust. I also have worked with a therapist in deciding this was my trauma for over 20 years. The term should not be thrown around carelessly and pinned on just anyone .Everyone in their lives can exhibit narcissistic behaviors.

Its when you can Identify the person does not have a capacity to love. The only thing they seek is supply. They pretend to love and are very convincing. A master of manipulation in everything. Destruction is the path after they have you hooked. It is gas-lighting, brainwashing, Stockholm syndrome and what you once thought true you begin to question. You loose yourself and begin to think you are crazy. You are living in crazy and if you play the game the outside the world can be fooled into believing it is perfect. Its all a facade!

"I'm gonna love myself starting today!"

Pietro I agree it was the sentence I had dread hearing. I did not understand how I would ever do this. My journey will be on the other-side when I can look in the mirror, say and believe these words. Something I missed along the way. If you ask other people they do love them-self truthfully. I think my trauma in childhood changed that thought. My struggle is to arrive at that point. I will then know I arrived.

I do not remember the percentage of population that is narcissistic but it is growing. Everyone need to be advised of this personality disorder it is destructive. I hope you find your wife is not and you can find the answers about yourself. Knowledge is power. You can work with what you understand. I do not know about you but I get stuck in the questioning.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Have y'all done couples therapy?

Yeah I tried this and the therapist told us we were wasting her time and my money. The ex did go to the appointment but said he only came for me. He had no problems and did not see any. We never went back. You can not change someone who cant see reality is not open to change.

If on the other hand they are willing to work on it and continue on a the path to healing and change. By all means it would be worth it. I am happy for those who succeed. You need to be open for change. I believe it can work if you have the right partner that also believes they can change to make a difference. No one is perfect or a perfect partner. Through research and therapy I have learned so much about myself and I hope I will be better for it.

but probably could have stayed married had my ex and I gone through some really good couples therapy.

My T always reminds me to be careful with judging the past with my newfound knowledge. It can hurt your soul and possibly stir up unnecessary emotions. You did the best with what you knew at the time. How many times do we say to ourselves if only I knew what I know today 10 years ago. We beat ourselves up in the subconscious. It could never be different. Trust in what you did in the past as your best for that time. Let it go and be free to heal. Change what you can now with your new knowledge.

 

[LilacMoon]

My mother was (technically still is) married to a narcissist. She first met him when they were both 19 and got married very young. It still upsets me knowing how much time and energy she wasted with such an undeserving, selfish, disgusting, manipulative person (my father). The thing is, I know some part of her still loves him (despite decades of mistreatment), which is what most deeply disturbs me. But because she has been used to her situation (and him) for so long, she doesn't recognize it for what it really is (or chooses not to).
Be grateful that you have come to the personal revelations you have (of your own self-worth, and for taking the time to stop and look at your situation honestly, and for recognizing the fact that you deserve so much better). There are so many people (like my mom) who never get that far and never will.
I congratulate you and wish you continued success your journey to a healthier, happier you. Good luck! :)

 

[Elevatorguy]

This is a great article