Narcissistic Abuse / Ptsd Is Killing Me

[shimmerz]

now my cognition has been "fixed"

Because this isn't actually a cognitive thing for you. Not yet, anyway. It is a need to be needed perhaps. Needed until someone recognizes your pain. People like the ones you are speaking of don't recognized other's pain as being anything type of gift of how hard you are attempting to please. They feel they deserve other people to feel pain for them. And the more the better. Until they break.

When that feeling comes along that says 'I need to give more' that is your cue that something is going on with you - that you can work on - so you don't keep getting trapped like this.

It is the gift that keeps on giving until we repair the wiring. Being raised by a narcissist is no joke.

 

[Powder]

But aren't selfish manipulators everywhere?

He can't just avoid one nationality when he's prey to this type of predator. He's got this. He can learn the skills we all have to learn. He's smart.

 

[Revampjacob]

Because on some level you are obsessed? You want to find someone who is in their heart the same as your fat...

You're right.
It's just hard because of the debilitating fear.
Part of the fear is overwhelming guilt.
I think it comes from a link between my dad basically trying to kill me and the abuse of these women which makes me equate rejection / their accusations with imminent death.
The first one really did a bloody number on me though as when she got a priest involved to tell me I was lost to God unless I quit my job (!!!!!!) it has made me afraid of my work which is just the cruellest thing to do to someone. Really got inside my head.

I just have to keep thinking "I am a good man, i have done nothing wrong, I am strong and capable, I have been abused but they cannot actually hurt me any longer".

Their lies are not true. I am not guilty. I will recover.

 

[Powder]

I'm so sorry your dad tried to kill you.

You're one of the few people I have found on the forum who shares this trauma in common with me. My mom tried to kill my sister, and I think I was her next target, but luckily it didn't go that far because I put a stop to it and survived.

I do think that will give a child chronic PTSD no matter what, and I think you're right that subsequent relationships suffer until this is processed and healed enough. And of course, finding someone very gentle and caring, not abusive.

You're so close to being there, and if you stay strong and remember how strong you must be to have survived that as a young person, you can also get through this time and be open to being loved when the time comes by someone who will never be capable of hurting you on purpose.

 

[foreveralone2099]

I'm so sorry your dad tried to kill you.

You're one of the few people I have found on the forum who shares this trauma in common with me..

here's a third. :hug:

just now extracating myself from a relationship with a narcissist, if i can even call it that. if you have grown up with really horrible people like you and i have you have to be really aware of your attractiveness to predators.

i'm not in the psych ward but i did have to drink a lot these last couple of days. take care of yourself bro.

 

[Revampjacob]

I just woke up yet again at 2am from a vivid nightmare that K (the second woman) discarded me and then had sex with my BROTHER in front of me (or someone identical to him).
Discussed in EMDR today how my father always preferred my brother to me (I don't resent my brother for this, just meant he grew up normal and I grew up damaged).
Wow...
Yes, I see why the desire to heal the primal trauma makes us have much lower standards for the kind of shit we are willing to take from people that say they "love" us even though that love is not evidenced through action in any way (or at least, until there's something in it for them...).
I wish narcissists had never come near me. I don't want them to come near me again. It hurts.
Feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest again, and even though I know they are poisonous, I desperately crave the validation!

 

[foreveralone2099]

Yes, I see why the desire to heal the primal trauma makes us have much lower standards for the kind of shit we are willing to take from people that say they "love" us even though that love is not evidenced through action in any way

my guess is that you've never actually experienced love so you take anything that might remotely ressemble it and users exploit this need.
get your validation from us, we're not awful.

 

[Revampjacob]

Yes, I think that is true. They call it "love" but what they actually mean is taking advantage of me and controlling me. Those women really deserve to burn in hell for what they did. And my father most of all.
I just don't understand where the constant obsession and anxiety come from...

 

[shimmerz]

I just don't understand where the constant obsession and anxiety come from...

From this......

I desperately crave the validation!

BTW, me 4. Both of my birth parents wanted me dead. Actively.

And what I have found is that love and validation became one in my head. I couldn't have one (I thought) without the other. In fact, a requirement for validation has NOTHING to do with love. Someone who actually loves you will stop you dead in your tracks when you continually attempt to validate yourself.

Validation that comes from an external source means we need to work on ourselves. With proper parenting (which most of us didn't get) one learns that our self worth is in us - it isn't about what others think of us. A narcissist simply is not capable of receiving enough.... it has nothing to do with whether we can give enough. They are an endless pit of need to suck the soul out of others.

The minute you feel you need to be more in a relationship is the minute you need to stop, feel the feeling, and get the hell out. Immediately. And try again to stop the program in your head that says that in order for you to be in a relationship you need to work like hell in it.

 

[Lori0122]

I just woke up yet again at 2am from a vivid nightmare that K (the second woman) discarded me and t...

I just woke up yet again at 2am from a vivid nightmare that K (the second woman) discarded me and t...

Hey...I have a different trauma but I'm currently doing EMDR. Actually, it was one year ago today that I started. I just want to encourage you to stick with it. It's been really, really hard but I'm starting to feel better. I have a narcissistic mom and it has helped me put boundaries in place with her and as a result, my self esteem is higher and to don't take her s**t anymore. As for my PTSD, it's combat related and after trying everything out there to get help, I feel like EMDR is finally helping. I don't think I'll ever be cured but I feel like I'll be able to live a better life when I'm done. I hope you stick it out and have similar results.

 

[Revampjacob]

From this......


BTW, me 4. Both of my birth parents wanted me dead. Actively.

And what I have f...

Yes. I agree. I feel compelled to work at relationships and satisfy the other person (usually because they gaslight me that I am the problem, and assume ZERO liability themselves!).

Never again.

I do not understand your point about where the anxiety comes from.

Is it grief?

 

[shimmerz]

I do not understand your point about where the anxiety comes from.

No. Not for me anyway. It was more from constantly trying to please someone who could never be pleased. Striving for a goal that is unobtainable was absolutely anxiety producing for me. I just didn't realize that was what I was doing. Until it took me down....