Narcissistic self-loathing

[Scarlet13]

I guess I don't really get internalized self hate narcissism. I have researched a lot about this in my own recovery and I have not heard of this, I am going to try to look into it.

I think that you can have a narcissistic like distortion but not actually have NPD. I really think that narcissists, the very core quality of NPD of all kinds in seeking people to control and narcissistic supply. Avoidance is more in line with CPTSD. So I guess I am confused.

 

[shimmerz]

Brainwashing a child into believing that they are evil is a special kind of f*cked up. I am so sorry you went through that. And I guess the first part of that is acknowledgement that you aren't actually evil, but instead, your self image was based upon that lie. The good thing is that acknowledgement is the biggest and I think hardest step. You are mostly there I am thinking!

Let us know how your p-doc went k?

 

[scout86]

I think they were partly correct. You definitely seem to be unique and special. Evil? Nope, not hardly!

 

[Mach123]

I don't know what evil means in anyone else's vocabulary but I do know you can feel so bad regarding what you did or what happened to you or both that it can be completely debilitating. "Self loathing". Is it NPD? Does it rise to that level? I hope whoever is trying to decide lives through the debate. I had people ask me if I really was that good at being that bad but at the time I had not faced it mentally and I couldn't even say it out loud. It was still just a feeling I wanted to commit suicide over. I know it's well intended but now I'm bad for thinking I'm bad? I hope not. I hope the devil made me do it at least that way I have an excuse. No not a good question. I hope you feel better.

 

[scout86]

but now I'm bad for thinking I'm bad?

It's possible to be 'wrong', that is, to have an inaccurate idea about something, without being 'bad'. Hard to separate out sometimes, but kind of an important distinction.

 

[Ms Priss]

Interesting discussion. I too suffer from feeling like I am bad to the bone. My mother taught me that. A counselor once said to me, "you are not very good at misbehaving or being bad, are you"? At the time it was really important to hear because my then psychopathic husband was telling me all the same things, and I was believing it hook, line, and sinker. I was programmed to do that. I have majorly lost sight of that, but I think this forum will be very good for me. i have experienced 'bad" people...well, I do not like to judge anyone so I feel more comfortable saying I have experienced up close and personal their bad behaviors. I have grown some because I no longer think everything is my fault. I find the periods when I am most vulnerable is when I am not doing good...like now...am isolating but part of that is good because when I am so vulnerable is when I get hooked up with the wrong people. Also at the risk of sounding bitter, I now realize doctors and counselors are not gods..they can be as wrong as any other person. Because I was not well enough to know any better at the time, I let some of them ride roughshod over me. I think there are some excellent ones, but I also know I have to be careful. Have scheduled an appointment with a trauma counselor. It scares me because I am not very good at being assertive. However, I feel the advantage this time is I know what I want from the counseling and hopefully will be better able to discern if it is working for me.

 

[ashleechestin]

This is a difficult subject for me to discuss, but feeling like I'm ready to try and combat this...

Having dated a full blown narcissist for 2 years I would have to say that makes no sense to me .. self loathing , self contempt, and detachment is all part of PTSD. The biggest piece of narcissism that makes a narcissist what they are is lack of empathy. Detatching from someone to save them from yourself defies the biggest piece of narcissistic personality disorder . I'm no psychologist but in my experience that's a far fetched diagnosis by someone who has an old school view of narcissism. Narcisists might have a grandiose view of themselves but those heartless people attach themselves to codependants and will destroy that person and walk away like they didn't know you . So I'm going to say I disagree you're not displaying narcissistic traits ... narcissism and sociopathic are closely related ... you're not either .

 

[Ms Priss]

I would have to agree with you. She is not displaying those traits. My experience is they are ruthless and without conscience. Also about my last reply, I can be a child in a senior citizen body. When I can put on my big girl panties, things are better. But it feels a lot like playing a guessing game because no one ever taught me to be an adult. Most of the things I am learning now others learned at age appropriate times. It can be a little embarrassing, but you cannot know what you do not know.

 

[2Beachboxer]

This is a difficult subject for me to discuss, but feeling like I'm ready to try and combat this...

Just a comment : IMO - a Narcissist would NEVER 'help' someone - especially a 'source' that would 'feed' them. My Mother was Narc and now see my Bro is too - almost Sociopath. I have just gone no contact. Your post was a while back.. I'd be interested in how the topic resolved :)

 

[Powder]

I won't tell you that you are or aren't displaying NPD traits, and if you are, I've heard that being raised around NPD adults leaves people with "fleas" that jumped onto you from the dirty dog? I don't pretend to get the PhD Psych metaphors. :)

What I will say is that I also spend probably too much time worrying that I have absorbed some of the negative aspects of NPD from my abusive parents, and in my heart of hearts, I know that I don't have NPD.

For one thing, I'm not trying to hide these 'traits,' rather I'm trying to expose and deal with them, and I worry how I can come off to others and I worry that I'm not loving enough, beneficial enough, etc. Would an NPD worry about these things? Most likely, No.

If you are pushing away good men to try to not have a negative affect on them, then you're in good company with many of us here who've been there.

If that's NPD, then do all of us have NPD as well as PTSD?
Not saying anything to answer, just throwing out the question for thought.

Also, Narcissism is on a continuum, right? Not a total black/white 100% thing. I'm not sure how professionals would go about seeing a clear NPD diagnosis, and I've read NPD's won't submit to analysis anyway for more than like one session. NPD's don't believe in therapy, as I understand it.

I worry about this, too, and I don't think it's a waste of time. I think it's a genuine desire to feel and be and do better.