Need A Reboot To Move Forward

[watundah]

The summer and fall were difficult. Working with my therapist, we started digging deep and uncovering forgotten trauma.

At first she told me that we would process one trauma at a time but that didnt happen. I think the focus became more upon what was being revealed, because there was a string of them, I became overwhelmed by sadness, and we stopped digging because of that despair and now I am in the middle of a break.

I have faced depression based on environmental or situational things in the past. Now it is more heady and seems more frustrating as it is more about facing ghosts of the past. My.coping mechanisms are art, reading and exercise.

She told me to let her know when I want to come back. A few things are causing hesitation.
1. I am still feeling despair and am concerned more sadness will prevail if we dont process (whatever that means) what has already been uncovered. We have agreed to discuss processing in detail when I go back. As I am not a big.talker, every thing goes sllllowwwwlyyy.
2. How much more is left to uncover
3. The weight is heavy. I need a push to get back in there. My avoidance is keeping me from setting up a time to go back. It feels like all systems "no".

Any ideas on getting past the speed bump?

 

[Muted]

The summer and fall were difficult. Working with my therapist, we started digging deep and uncovering...

Not really any ideas on getting past this speed bump, I'm kind of in the same boat...

 

[watundah]

I "know" it's what I "need" to do and it may help if we can focus on the darkness. Just hard making it happen.

 

[Freedomfighter]

The summer and fall were difficult. Working with my therapist, we started digging deep and uncovering...

Gosh, I wish I could help you. Reboots are painful, so painful that I often do not admit that I need a sort of reboot. I am currently in a phase where I have absolutely no clue whatsoever about what is going on, nada, nix, confusion is enveloping me no matter what I try. So whatever dumb lies or stories people are attempting to connect me to would prove them wrong right away. Since I have no idea about what is going on none of them can be right about anything, because when a patient is suffering from a disease and is disoriented then that someone is not attempting to do anything other than heal. I hate these liars, I hate them so much.

I have some clear phases when I can identify problem behaviors of others that remind me of my past trauma, but can not go further then that, then the terrible confusion takes me over, chokes me and .......

Well, like I said, if I knew what the hell was going on I might be able to help you. But you know what? Sometimes it just helps to know that so many of us are in the same boat.

 

[Muted]

I think it's almost a trust thing, for me anyway.

I think when I'm on overload, I lose perspective and can only see darkness. To 'get to the other side' it's like I have to trust my T. Completely to lead me into this unknown area that I don't fully believe even exists.

But my problem is that my T. Is only with me a few hours a week and how do I possibly cope during the rest of the time?

Even if we've gained some ground towards the other side, when I'm alone it's easier to go back to what is familiar.

 

[watundah]

Yes. I was seeing her 3 hours/week which helped with keeping it in front of me and pushing me forward, but also made it overwhelming. Now back at Jan 1 and insurance deductible to meet, I'll only be in one hour a week. So it is easier to be a turtle and draw myself inward.

Sometimes it sounds like her approach to dragging me back to positive light is to remind of all the good things in my life. Not sure that's what I need right now.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

What is helping me is to push forwards and I do not know enough to say if this would work for you at this time.

Baby steps. It takes time to get used to it I think, does this make sense?

 

[watundah]

Thanks, gizmo. I wrote my shrink today and told her I was having a hard time finding the courage to come in and hesitation around digging back in. I likened my sadness to T-Rex picking at my mind with a pair of tweezers. ;-) I look forward to some gentle persuasion in response, assurance we aren't going to dive too quickly again.