Need Advice Please - What To Do With Family Issue?

[Nicolette]

As some of you would know, my sister and I did not have a very good childhood and my sister has CPTSD. I have struggled for years and have come to the conclusion that we were a very dysfunctional family which caused me a lot of confusion and pain and still does. My sister and I came from one marriage and then I have 6 siblings from my mother's marriage to my step father. My sister and I were always treated differently.

My dilemma is this. I am the black sheep as I had to pull myself out of my family circle to save myself. I have little to do with my family, which many don't understand, but it's the only way I can avoid being pulled back under again. Despite this I have always "done the right thing" as I had responsibility beyond my realm drummed into me to the point where I take on things which are not mine to be responsible for. I always send invitations for events, send birthday cards, presents, Christmas cards and all the rest.

At the end of the week it is my step father's birthday. He abused me as a child but he has changed and while I can see and respect that I cannot forget. Do I send him a birthday card or not? I don't want to but I am scared of the consequences if I don't and fear being totally disowned.

In a couple of weeks it is Mother's Day. My mother on the other hand will not acknowledge any of what happened and of course that means "I am the one with issues" and has not changed over the years. I don't want to send her anything for Mother's Day but again I fear the consequence.

I have been thinking about writing them an email telling them I wish them all happiness but I need to let go as I can't forget and I am only kidding myself as I really have no relationship with them.

The fear of not doing as "I am supposed to" is great and a struggle. My psychologist says I need to confront them (he wants me to do it face to face - over my dead body) and Anthony says I should just accept they are never going to be any more than what they have been to me all my life.

To top it off...my mum doesn't speak to me. She gets my step father to call me and I found out my sister got married after the event by being emailed photos from 'my parents' and I struggled to digest how my sister had my step father "give her away" at her wedding when she has rung me up suicidal on occasion and then tells me he raped her etc as well as all the abuse.

My brother, who lived with me for 4.5 years disowned me when I told him a family secret I had been carrying for 20 years when he tried to side with my drug addict ex husband so he could get custody of my son. I don't get how I am the one who ended up on the bad side when I told the truth and it was my mother who did the wrong thing. He apparently just had his first child but has ignored me and my son for years despite many attempts on my behalf to reconcile. Why then do I get a text message telling me the baby arrived and its name and time of birth from "my parents" when my brother doesn't give a shit about me or my son (who was very close to him). Is this just torment as it feels like it. I really don't want to know what happens anymore as each time it is just another stab in the heart.

I don't want to go on conforming but I don't know where to find the strength to close the door and how to do it with the least amount of pain possible. I always thought that some day some one in my family would love me (as in parents and siblings) but after 40 years its time to give up hope.

Any ideas on what to do?

I am sorry if this is disjointed as my thoughts are all over the place.

Thanks in advance.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Families are tough, and the pain that they cause is real.......I mentioned this to you, one other time, so I thought i would mention it again......You are by far, healthier than your family is....

Nicolette, this is a hard one to make a judgment on, or to give advice on, as you still are caught between being hurt by them, and yet you still want and need their love, support and understanding......Many of us can tell you to send generic cards with little on no meaning, some may tell you to walk away and not look back.... But the problem will still remain, because you haven't dealt with it, nor made a decision as to what to do.....

You need to make a decision as to what is good and right for you, and until you do this, you will still be torn and in pain..... I'm sorry that you are still in this kind of pain. I know it's hard, because I too was where you are, and I too had a decision to make. Until I did, I suffered........

Take care of YOU, and make YOU # 1, make yourself and your mental health a priority, and then make your decision..........I'm sorry I couldn't help more with your decision......

 

[Nicolette]

You are so right Wendy.......... the problem is I know the right decision but despite all my hurt I have to overcome the guilt - of rejecting them as they have done to me as I know how rotten that feels...to the very core of my being. I haven't worked out how to do this yet so I am stuck in limbo...a dull pain but as I feel stronger I feel the day is near. I just pray (not religious in the slightest so a bit of a contradiction) that I don't loose contact with my nieces as they are innocent in all this and I adore them. I know that I have to cross this bridge............................argh!

 

[Deleted member 541]

You really shouldn't look at it as causing them pain, because you know how it feels....Rather, you need to look at it as taking care of yourself, and putting yourself first. Being a bit selfish, is a hard one to do.......But, it is needed in order to fully take care of ones self.....

 

[Nicolette]

If I was to put myself in the third person I can see I am just making excuses....fear can hold you back so much. I have to overcome this.

 

[Deleted member 541]

You are right, so what would you advise someone else in your place? How would you help them to overcome this???

I struggled for years, and years, and the pain that I put myself though was awful. Until I finally figured out, that my family just didn't get it, didn't care, was incapable of caring, was unhealthy, and I have to take care of me first, I suffered needlessly.....THIS is what you are doing to yourself.......

 

[Farine]

Nicolette,

I've had 'family' drummed into my head for years. Now, I have a minor, very minor version of this story but I think since it's me and not you then you'll see what point I'm making by mentioning my situation.

My uncle on my mother's side married a very dysfunctional woman. I suspect because she was, herself, injured that she has the need to control others. She's now 73 and there's not really any expectation that she will change. She would break her computer.. import viruses.. change major settings.. and then try to browbeat me into sending my technically gifted husband to her house to fix her computer. If I didn't, she would call my mother 2,500 miles away and brow beat her until she cried. My mother can't stand conflict so that she would call me and put pressure on me. This is just one of the things that I had to deal with.

The concept of 'boundaries' is completely rejected. She never will stay on her side of any rules that I lay down because I do not EXIST AS A PERSON to her. I'm an appendage of her will in her mindset. You wanted to know why your brother is so awful. Well, if he acknowledges your personhood, then he is responsible for his inaction in a horrific set of events - especially those after he was emancipated as a grown man. Far easier and customary to keep thinking that you .. are not a 'you' .. but an 'it'. And I doubt he's thinking that on the conscious level. So many people consider children as non people despite the overwhelming trend for them to grow up, have careers and ultimately be in a position of power and influence as the parent ages. We all have to remember that the tables turn as we grow older. I certainly have not forgotten. WHat's the adage? Be nice to your children because they pick your nursing home?

The family of the heart often has to be the port of call for those, like you, have non-working families of origin. I'm so sorry that they cannot see your beauty. I'm a few continents away, give or take a few thousand miles and it's clear to me that you have a shiny soul.

I seperated from an aunt who wasn't doing half, nay a third, of what your family has done. I did it because of the crab bucket. If you catch crabs you don't need to put a lid on the bucket. Whenever one tries to escape, the other crabs pull the escapee in back into the bucket. I'm doing so much healing, I didn't have the mental, emotional energy to deal with her crabby ways. In the end, I had to vote healing.. over half-assed relationship. I would vote healing again if forced to live again this decision.

I hope this helps!
Farine

 

[Freddy_hiding_less]

A therapist once told me that a family is there to support its members, not the other way around.

 

[SpringRain]

Nicolette - this is JMO, disregard if you want to, of course. You talk about consequences. What consequences will it have on you to do all of the things you are weighing? Which ones will be healthy and helpful to you, and which ones will have detrimental consequences for you? Our families of origin are important to us - in both positive and negative ways - but you also now have a new family. And it is this family that you are building that needs to come first. It is your life, and the only person who can live it for you is you. If you don't, you will miss it. What is best for you and your new family and the life you are building, and the life you deserve? I wish only for you to have a full life with a family you are now building away from this pain - you deserve it and much more.

Rain

 

[Mina]

I'm sorry you are struggling with this, Nicolette. My parents (mother, really) still send me cards at every holiday, and I wish they would quit with the empty gesture already. I'm always annoyed because I know they don't truly mean whatever sentiments are printed in the card.

As far as confrontation, you may want to consider the following. The original idea and framework have been taken from elsewhere, so I can't take credit for it. Sorry about the sub-bullet spacing...it all looks great when I'm typing it, but doesn't appear that way when saved.

• Why do you want to confront this person?
• By confronting them, what are you seeking to gain?
• What is the ideal response they could give you - ie, How exactly would you like them to respond? (could be an apology, acknowledgement, etc.; may include specific words, phrases, emotions, physical responses such as crying, etc.)
  • What is the likelihood that you will get this response?
  • What would your response to them be if this happened?
  • How will you proceed with them in the future should this happen?
• What is the worst way they could respond?
  • What is the likelihood that you will get this response?
  • What would your response to them be if this happened?
  • How will you deal with this and care for yourself if this happened?
• What is the worst thing that could come of you confronting them?
  • Is this something you are prepared to take on should it occur?
• How will you deal with confronting or not confronting them?

If you choose to confront, you may even want to do some role-play with your therapist to practice what you would say and do in a safe, controlled environment. If not, sometimes looking at the "why not" clearly - your answers to these questions - can help you be comfortable with your decision not to confront.

By the way, if you do choose to continue sending cards, here is something which may make you feel more comfortable:

• Choose a blank card
• Write a "neutral" message on the inside...the idea is not to express any false sentiments which make you uncomfortable:
  • Happy Birthday
  • Have a lovely birthday
  • Have a pleasant Mother's Day
  • Enjoy your Father's Day!
  • Or whatever feels appropriate to you
• Sign your name without a closing (ie without "Love", "Kindest Regards", etc.)...again, you are trying to avoid expressing false sentiments which make you uncomfortable

 

[goingonhope]

Nicolette, another thing you can do to help you sort through all this is to draw three circles. One represents your circle of Control. One is your circle of Influence and another is your circle of No control.

Then break your post and paragraphs apart into sentences or partial sentences. Until you have something that looks like this:

my sister and I did not have a very good childhood =
my sister has CPTSD. =
I have struggled for years =
come to the conclusion that we were a very dysfunctional family =
caused me a lot of confusion and pain and still does =
My sister and I came from one marriage and then I have 6 siblings from my mother's marriage to my step father =
My sister and I were always treated differently. =
I am the black sheep =
I had to pull myself out of my family circle to save myself. =

Afterwards, decide in which circle each go, in order to separate what you have Control over, from where your Influence resides, from having No Control.

This can help you see things in ways you may not have before. And, also gives you an idea of where to put your energies and where not to, plus where exactly to surrender guilt and to the reality of having no control. This is not my idea, rather (Stephen Covey's) but it's something that has always helped me think clearly on certain things when I've put the effort to both do this, as well as think like this forth.

Another thing, I would say that you decide what is the moral codes that you value and live by and stay consistent with this in making your decisions. So another words, it doesn't matter what others say you're suppose to do or not. You do this and you live by their code of morals and values and you'll generally feel out of snyc with yourself, perhaps resentful and even awfully confused because things may shift or change within them and you'll need to change yet again in order to live up or down to their moral codes.

Just keep this simple and decide what you can live with that meets your moral codes, values and expectations for yourself, and stick with this; Nevermind theirs, that's for them to live.

Nicolette, it's with you that you need to feel good with, be true to and live mostly with, nobody else.

Hope something here may help as well, Nicolette.

 

[goingonhope]

had to pull myself out of my family circle to save myself.

Me too Nicolette, I hear you. And, a very nice place to have some control and influence while still not in control of everything. So you did it because you had too, not because you necessarily wanted to, but you did it and saved yourself. Now breath and continue forth in all that you do, while always rediscovering, exploring and so expecially living that life which you saved. And, it's nothing to feel ashamed or guilty of, rather much to be thrilled about. Well done!