Relationship Need Answers

[1234mad]

First time poster. Been in love with a man for 20+ yrs. Although back then we went our separate ways...we never lost touch and always remained each other's constant. We weren't together for reasons...I wanted kids. He did not. Fast forward 4 yrs ago. He and I connected again. We were not physical this time around....because we were both involved. I was married (now separated) and he had a girlfriend. Whom he is no longer with. Found out after spending 15 yrs with this woman she cheated on him throughout the relationship. Long story but she is a narcissistic sociopath. He never lived together or married her. So we are both finally at this point. We love eachother so deeply. We are wonderful companions. We talk 1st thing every morning...and last thing every evening. He shares with me EVERYTHING. Trust is a huge factor of our foundation. He tells me he loves me. Although he us not verbally expressive. He's actions definitely speak more for words. We used to have phone sex alot when we were still involved with other people. Never physical contact otherwise. Then we stopped because we both felt guilty. We resumed a few years ago but this time I was never in the fantasy. Just stories about made up people. Still great...but confused me. When I asked...he said no its not you. I've always trusted and believed him. Then about a yr and a half ago it just completely stopped. He said he doesnt have it in him. He cant. Flashbacks etc. (He was diagnosed 9 yrs ago with PTSD after a horrific assault) But our emotiominal intimacy has become stronger and stronger. We see eachotger about 2 to 3x a week. But talk and text all day everyday. He kusses me...which has just started a few months ago. A few x passionately. But mostly sweet little lip kisses. I asked him why he kisses me? He said he loves me and likes to. But no other physical intimacy. He was a veey sexual man but now nothing. I asked him if we were boyfriend and girlfriend. He said I have everything inside him. Im the only one. But he will not make that label on us. He said if I read about PTSD I would understand. But I dont understand. We have an amazing relationship. Is he not attracted to me anymore after all these yrs? I know he loves me. But is he in love? He tells me im his everything. A part if his body...soul...heart. im so confused because he is my world. Why is it so hard for him to have physical intimacy? Tells me last thing on his mind. Leaves me feeling rejected. But he says it has nothing to do with me. Sorry so long. Just a lifetime of feelings. I support him whole heartedly. He never

 

[Friday]

Well... I have PTSD... And I don't understand, either.

 

[1234mad]

:-( I'm sorry. Well....I'm trying.

 

[Friday]

No ... I mean his telling you "Read about PTSD and you'll understand" was a pretty obscure / lame thing to do.

 

[1234mad]

Ohhhh. Gotcha. Thanks for posting. I do read about it all the time...I try to educate myself. I know I can never fix things. I don't want to change him. I love him...all of him. I just am insecure I guess about the sexual intimacy. It was always a great connection and now I feel so insecure. I know he was intimate after his diagnosis with his ex. Makes me feel even more less than. I have to go with what he's telling me. If my trust is there. But in the back of my mind I wonder is it me personally? And will he ever want physical intimacy again? I am patient.

 

[1234mad]

I get what you're saying. HE was not being fair by just saying....if you knew about it. He often says "if I could put what I feel inside everyday and make you understand I would". Ugh. Feel like I'm not given any choice. Like its this way and there is nothing I can do. And is it the PTSD or is it an excuse. He would be lost without me. I have become in his life the only one he trusts.