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[pandora]

Just keeping working hard...i have a very negative opinion about men in general and relationships....but in the back of my mind it feels like....maybe one day and by that time I will have done so much self reflection and learned how to communicate in a healthy way...hhmmmmm, maybe one day. When my son is an adult though!!!!!

 

[midi]

Pandora's got a good idea. I used to wonder why I'm alone, why I have no one, no compansionship, nobody to talk about the daily stuff--but I've got to get this mental illness under some sort of control, and I have to accept my new physical limitations. Work on the self first--even though you do get lonely, sad, etc...

Today, I actually had a discussion with a guy I know in a cafe about sexual harassment. He said guys are just different from girls. They don't understand our signals. I said there's a difference between not knowing what a girl thinks and harassing her. He disagreed - a guy has to do what he has to do to get a girl. We talked about the guy who started stalking me after I had talked to him and the others at the table and how we all told him no, go away. So this guy said 'yes, but did you explicitly tell him you weren't interested?'

I reacted with the same anger you talk about--I was furious. I immediately said 'excuse me?!? I'm not taking the blame for some guy who can't take no for an answer from all of us!' It's always the victim's fault because we either a) exist or b) didn't say NO in the apparently foreign language that predators speak.

I have a friend who has spent a lifetime being stalked and harassed by men. She said that just going out on the street is a traumatic experience sometimes. The harassment never ends.

When I look back on it, the only difference between my Ex and those creeps on the street was that he was subtle, and played a wine me dine me in order to 69 me. These other guys, they just take whatever they want because they want it, like you are property they found on the shelf.

I'm sorry I keep ranting here. It makes me angry too. I hate being harassed, I want companionship... but at what price? Scarred and damaged we are, so stop taking advantage of us and bullying us. Bleh. Healthy boundaries? Let me walk down the street without calling me a 'bitch' because I 'didn't smile like a lady' at some stranger.

 

[TLight]

Way to go Midi. Let it out.

I feel the same way. Why are men like this? Sometimes I just hate them all. I can stand having all this hate in my heart. I don't like the person these experiences has made me into. I want to get rid of the hate, I work on forgiveness constantly........I read it's a choice, you either do it or don't do it. I so WANT to do it, but then another a**hole is disrespectful and it all just comes back. I'm so tired of being so disrespected. I just am fed up..........entirely fed up with it.

I deserve loving care and attention. I've sort of given up on ever having it. I feel I have nothing to offer but my body now.........my mind and energy are toast. They've made me a mess...........all the predators.

 

[Mina]

I'm working with my therapist on how to control the raging. The adrenaline surges so quickly and I go into 'kill' mode........it even scares me. I can't subject a boyfriend to this.

Have you considered a punching bag? Like one of the big Everlast ones? They actually make stands for them, too, if you don't have a place to hang it. We have two at our house... it does help when I sort of go into a rage...I just hit and hit and hit and hit until I eventually stop.

Someone mentioned pheromones. I wonder what role those might play in all this? Does anyone know offhand of any research? (I haven't searched yet).

I'm so sorry to read what others go through with harassment...I guess I am pretty lucky that mine basically stopped after modifying my own behavior.

 

[TLight]

Mina;
I will look into getting one and having it availiable when the rage comes on.

I read another post where Anthony said the rage is only an effect of another emotion.....well, I was really hurt by this person implying that I was weak. So hurt was the real emotion. I guess if I can somehow get to that before the rage starts, but I was in the midst of being heavily, I mean heavily triggered.

I've since talked with the friend. They wanted me to stop by at the nursery and visit, said I'd be welcome. It took me a few days to stabilize, but I finally did just now. We 'visited'.........her body language was really uncomfortable. I said that I'm sorry she had to 'experience' my illness. She had understanding words to say, but her body language showed she was clearly uncomfortable.

I feel like a 'freak' now. She lost trust in me and considers me unpredictable and she's right. Until I figure out how to control the triggering and the rage...........I don't feel fit to have any relationships.........because if I do, they will only treat me as 'mental' and I'll feel blamed and shamed again.

I think I just lost two good friends. This illness sucks.........So much loss and more and more everyday. And the worst of it is I feel I'm to blame.