Need Help

[Daisy1234]

Hi everyone. I have been on and off of this forum but just need to reach out today. I would like to share what I just journaled:


"I don't know what to do. It seems like nothing makes me feel better/emotionally safe. I feel like my life will never improve. I am stuck, paralyzed. No one to talk to who will understand. All by myself in this cold, cruel world.

PLEASE I need help NOW!!!

Nothing but pain and increasingly more pain for the past year. I can't live this way. It's too painful. I am not living life. Afraid to leave my apartment but I do.

I know I should have cut the sociopath out of my life LONG before two months ago. I probably wouldn't feel this way if I had.

What is the f*cking point of anything?"

Btw, I would never commit suicide. Thanks for any thoughts/words of encouragement.

 

[Silver.]

*sending you support and strength*

 

[ldj]

Ok, so firstly, GOOD to hear you're not contemplating suicide. That's reassuring to hear.

Well done for reaching out here. Even if you feel physically alone in your current situation, you're not alone in this, remember that. Thanks to the wonders of technology, we are all here with you, ready to listen and offer support. You are NOT alone! People will understand you here.

Have you reached out to anyone during this past year of pain? Are you receiving treatment/therapy? That's a LONG time to be suffering with no help. You say you're not living life, you're afraid to go out. But you DO. So you're stronger than you think. You ARE surviving.

I assume the 'sociopath' you're referring to a toxic ex?? Or is it a family member? Would be good to know more about your situation, if you feel able to share? Then people would be better able to give you advice.

I am new to this and no expert, but all I can offer is a willingness to listen to you and offer you my kindness and encouragement. No matter how blocked your way ahead feels, no matter how depleted your energy to be able to continue seems, there is always a way forward. There is always a point to life. But you need help to dig yourself out of that hole first.

Sending love and hugs :hug:

 

[Lovemyself]

You are not alone i let my abuser back for christmas and i have been stuck in extreme ptsd since then unable to leave my home. I was in some sort of recovery till then. I dont understand why we dont take better care of ourselves and love ourselves. Why do we allow abusers near us. I know i have ptsd amnesia so i forget what he did and let him return i have asked friends to please dont let me forget. I have moved and changed my life only to allow him here. I cant beleive i moved far away and let him here. It has taken months for my new community to make me come out of it but i feel all our hard work was trashed christmas day i let him back

 

[Justmehere]

I know I should have cut the sociopath out of my life LONG before two months ago. I probably wouldn't feel this way if I had.

Leave the blame with the sociopath, and don't "should" on yourself. I had an hour long interaction with a sociopath and it impacted me for months.

I have considerable hope for you. You did break the power of the trauma bond and kicked the jerk out of your life, You recognize that suicide isn't an option, even when you are desperate for the pain to end. You also have the courage to keep leaving your apartment when it is terrifying. There will come a day when it is no longer terrifying. You recognize the sociopath as being a horrible person and you have the courage to ask for help.

You are doing so much that is right.

Here's the thing about healing... there is a period of time where things will feel awful for a time. It will feel hopeless. That's a pretty common part of the process - and avoidance of this pain is actually why many people stay with the abusive jerk rather than leave them. You are bravely working through the pain. It's deep pain, I have no doubt about that, and you need and deserve relief from it... but do all you can to hold on to the reality that the depth of the pain you are in is not a sign of how long it will last or of how it will be in the future. In fact, your courage to feel the pain you are feeling is a good sign things will get better.

Are you working with a decent trauma therapist?

I'd look up things that help depression - exercise, hobbies, etc. These kinds of things will not make the pain go away, but they can help over time to get through it and keep it from getting quite as dark. If there isn't a real place that helps you feel safe, is there an imaginary one? One thing that they had us do in a PTSD trauma intensive was to journal about imaginary safe places. I thought it was hokey, and I had no sense of feeling safe in the real world. Here's the thing: studies have shown that even imagining a safe place that isn't real begins to change the brain and bring relief. It eventually will help to find real safe places too, as your brain begins to come out of fight or flight and everything-is-dangerous mode, and into more selective evaluations of what is dangerous and not.

Most of all, keep being safe to you. You deserve nothing but kindness. :hug:

 

[VioletButterfly]

@Daisy1234 - I can't add much to what @Justmehere wrote (awesome!), but can offer an observation as I tend to get caught up in a similar cycle/thought pattern and just want to bring it to your attention - the "never, ever, forever" lies that make our minds race and drive us to extreme conclusions that just aren't rational. Life and its circumstances can change in the blink of an eye. One exercise that might help you is to print out your post and challenge all of the absolute statements you've noted. Just question their validity in your own mind - providing evidence that they are true. Or, are they? Maybe being mindful of your extreme thinking might help you unknit the absolutes you feel are real in your life and lessen your anxiety. Also, perhaps an acknowledgment list of what you have accomplished and are doing to support yourself might help you battle back the fires of negative self talk in your mind, i.e. you kicked out the socio. That's huge!

Something to keep in mind - Everyone responds to different tools for healing, so perhaps you can explore what you need in your toolkit - coping and grounding tools, creative activities, distractor tasks, building "team" with yourself (positive self-talk), and self-care and self-compassion activities.

Right now - It seems to you might need to get out of your environment if you are alone. Do you have a friend who you could visit? I know you don't like to leave your home, but is it possible to even go for coffee at Panera or maybe go to a small drugstore or bookstore to browse? How about a small library? Maybe to a pet store to play with puppies or kittens? I've found these baby steps helpful as I don't like to go out either. Hang in there and keep coming back as there is ample support out here. VB

 

[Daisy1234]

You are not alone i let my abuser back for christmas and i have been stuck in extreme ptsd since the...

Hey Lovemyself. Hugs if you accept them. Try not to beat yourself up about Christmas. I went back a million times after I said, "No more" to myself. In fact I let him poison my life for 8 more months after I first broke up with him! It finally took him spitting in my face and "fake punching" me in the face to tell myself "This is very f*cked up and I CANNOT take it one more day." PLEASE try to tell yourself you are a human being with rights and there is NO WAY you will ever feel better if he stays into your life. Are you re-enacting painful abandonment from childhood to "get it right this time?" I know I was. You got this with time and absolutely no contact. Inbox me if you want to talk about your situation. I am all ears. :)

 

[Daisy1234]

Huge thanks to everyone who responded. I ended up going for a truly awesome energy flush massage (complete with crying) and walk, came home and read what I had written and was shocked! I must remind myself when I think this way that these are distorted thoughts and not reality but the depression talking! I am feeling much better/hopeful/living in today now. A year of depression is a long time but I was with him on and off for about 10 months of that time. I think there's a HUGE correlation with him and my depression but he is gone now. I know I am grieving even though it was a horrible relationship but things have got to start improving beyond short breaks from the depression right?

I have been through a few therapists (me terminating) and am starting all over again with another trauma "counselor" in 2 weeks I hope she is good. I am going for week -long treatment at a cool facility (not psych hospital) in Nashville in February and hope it will be beneficial. My big problem is no real purpose but I'm going to start volunteering in 2 weeks. Another problem is social isolation and lack of friends and family who understand. I think they just don't know what to say anymore. I will just come on here more but I don't want to sound like a broken record with you guys either. I need friends in real life too but it is hard to connect when you're depressed.

I know it is a matter of fighting and working to get out of the hole. It is a tough, tough battle that only those who have experienced it would understand. Hope is so important but it comes and goes for me. I am tiredbut will come back to this thread later. Again, thanks to everyone for being there.

 

[Daisy1234]

Ok, so firstly, GOOD to hear you're not contemplating suicide. That's reassuring to hear.

Well done for re...

Hi ldj, yes the sociopath is an ex. From what I've read we never really had a relationship. It was me trying to love him while he has his secret agenda of using me and spitting me out for the next new shiny ego-feeding supply. As him being someone with a couple severe personality disorders and strong addictions (based on my research and living with the guy), my understanding is he will never know love or real peace. I try not to wish him harm but I will admit that gives me a sense of justice being served. The guy stabbed his pet rats to death! I keep that thought in the fore to stay in reality about the whole thing. I know, among lots of other stuff, I need to work on my abandonment issues from childhood to be free and healthy. I am 51 but I will make this work to enjoy the rest of my life as much as possible!

 

[Daisy1234]

Well, that "cheery" mood didn't last long! Back to feeling hopeless and empty. F*ck this shit! Just hoping to feel better again soon . . . Couldn't bring myself to yoga or walk today. Just feel helpless. Going to try to write out some positive self talk.

 

[Silver.]

I have found that it's much easier to go with the downs than to try and fight them. It's really important to push yourself into doing things that help create a sense of "normalcy" (whatever that means to you, such as doing a bit of yoga).
Hope you can pull through this soon

 

[ldj]

Don't be too hard on yourself - your feelings are your feelings, go with them. You're not a bad person for feeling unhappy. Writing the positive self talk sounds like a good idea though. And this thread might help boost your mood, like it did with me.
What Are You Grateful For Today?
Hang on in there! xx