General Need Positive Words Of Encouragement That Wont Push Sufferer Away

[wont.give.up.on.him]

Please I am new to this and reading every single blog, forum, va website, and have books being delivered today to help me support my BF who is a MP Vet of 22 yrs in Desert Storm and Operation Iraqi Freedom.

He has had a downward spiral and pushed everyone away and wants to break up our relationship. I knew about the PTSD but didn't pay attention to the triggers and now feel like a fool cause I caused some of the triggers. He wants to be friends and is afraid to continue the relationship cause he is afraid of hurting me again. I wont give up on him. I know from the research I am doing its going to be hard. I cried for 2 days but that didn't get me anywhere and now Im proactive and I am up for the battle emotionally.

I can not find anything that discusses ways to encourage them or lift them up without pushing them away.

Are there terms that I can use to say that will be best to let him know I am still here if he wants to talk?
What have you said to your SO that has worked? Any advice will greatly help.

 

[Angel7]

You sound as determined as me just hope we both can stay strong for them :)

 

[Lunada94]

I would like to know this as well. Whenever I offer encouragement it's mocked or scoffed at. He tells me I can't help him get better...that no one can. It's like Ironman's suit...everything I offer up bounces right off and gets turned back on me. I want to offer words that provide comfort and encouragement but when everything gets scoffed at I just stop offering them up and I clam up. I do tell him I am there for him via texts and emails and how much I love him but when he's having an episode and we are together...I choke on the words.

I guess we are both protecting ourselves from pain.

 

[safenow]

I recommend you just tell him truth. Let him know you care, but until he gets help, he's going to stay a mess. Set good boundaries for yourself and don't allow him to bully you.

Good luck ladies.

 

[discarded]

Some times the best thing is just to say nothing at all. If I had been able to back off and just leave him alone things may have not turned out as bad as they have for us. I focused way too much on the PTSD and wanting him to get help. He never let me know what it was he needed from me and I was very ignorant of the whole PTSD thing at the time. I wish I had just let him know that I didn't know what he needed from me, that I would leave him alone and if he needed me or wanted to let me know what I could do for him then he knows where I am.

Every PTSD situation is different, what works for one may not work for another, what works one day may not the next. Take care of yourself and allow him to do the same for himself. You can't do it for him and pushing him will not help. You will often read on here to not take it personally, probably good advice but very difficult at times.

 

[Angel7]

I can only think its there way of taking control, as if I ask my fiancé to call me when he is away at work he doesn't for days !! But then if I don't message him he calls as if nothing has happened. If I ask him if he is OK he says he has to go...so if I just keep the conversation normal and not give him a hard time for not calling he is fine. I am so confused as he is due home on leave and not sure how to treat him.

As not sure if you read my story we were planning the future together after been in a very serious romantic fairy tale relationship he ended it the day he returned to work. He did this via message as he hates confrontation, eventually he called me and said how sorry he was and we would try and sort things when he is back.. So I just wanted to keep things as normal as possible but I think at the moment he is trying to control his thoughts, he is undiagnosed as I have only just realised all the symptoms are exactly what he has and he is suffering badly from emotional numbing...

All the years he was in Iraq I was always shocked when someone was killed how cold he became and this is exactly what he has started to do to me. I feel us splitting up will only make him worse as surely been in surroundings he has loved building up over 7 years are better than stress of been somewhere new on own !!! I just need him here so we can try and sort things out and see if he will talk to someone.

I really don't know whether to keep messaging him or is this making him worse, or if I don't does he think I don't care ??? I feel so sad and all the years I have suffered silently with him and always worried when I didn't hear from him in case something had happened to him. I think deep down anyone in a relationship with someone like this suffers too !!!!

 

[BloomInWinter]

Think simple responses, like you would with a hurt child.

"I can see that you're struggling right now, and I care."

"I love you."

"I can see you are hurting. I wish I could take your pain away."

"Can I bring you some...(comfort items)." This could be tea, water, a fan turned on, a blanket, a talisman, food.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I can not find anything that discusses ways to encourage them or lift them up without pushing them away.

Sometimes there is just no way to encourage them or lift them up. That's the frustrating nature of the PTSD beast. It's hard for a supporter, especially one who is a 'fixer' to see somebody they love in pain and not be able to do anything about it. That's one thing my vet says to me when I get ahead of myself like that... 'stop trying to fix me.' I had to come to realize that I cannot fix him or help him get over his PTSD in any way, shape, or form.

What have you said to your SO that has worked? Any advice will greatly help.

The best advice I got was to set boundaries. I told him that I'd stop trying to rescue him (from the PTSD) if he stopped trying to rescue me (from himself and our relationship). I just let him know that he made me happy a vast majority of the time, and that I was a big enough girl to get out of a bad relationship on my own if I needed to. Another piece of good advice I got was to give him space. Giving him a few days to cool off on his own when he is stressed may be what he needs from you now more than anything. It's frustrating, but again, that's the nature of the beast.

Good luck wont.give.up.on.him

 

[SAM A]

I found this thread via google and joined for the support. This sounds exactly like my husband. I have just been sending him little messages of love and I took the advice of sweetpea above and told him that I will stop trying to fix him if he stops trying to rescue me. I will be here for him for whatever he needs and it seems to be helping.

Now, the issues lie with me. Its hard to be the one waiting for him to come out of his hole and join the world again, especially since he doesn't tell me he's dropping off the grid (and we have 4 kids). This being my first full experience with this, I thought he was having an affair, and that still kind of sticks in my head when he goes off grid like this. I need some support dealing with the sense of abandonment and the need to shove all your own feelings, needs, and wants to the side. He's pushing me away sexually, but asking to just be held (which I do) but that's doing its own number on me.

How do you stay strong through this?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Its hard to be the one waiting for him to come out of his hole and join the world again, especially since he doesn't tell me he's dropping off the grid (and we have 4 kids).

SAM A, I would explain to him when he was not in a down mood that it's fine if he needs alone time or space, but as a parent he still needs to be available if he is needed. Sorry you are having such a rough time right now.
Talking rationally seems to help my vet out a lot. When I can calmly say something is amiss, or how I feel when he does x, y, or z, he seems to respond positively. Likewise I encourage him to rationally and calmly tell me what bothers him.

 

[SAM A]

Sweetpea76 I have tried the calm, but I know for a fact, even without the red flags, that he is having an affair. Two nights in a row, he was caught coming from her house.

 

[nursenurse]

An affair would be a deal breaker for me. As I have been told time and time again, PTSD is no excuse for bad behaviour, and an affair is just plain bad behaviour and a slap in the face for those left behind. Doesn't matter if you have PTSD or not.