cherryblossom
VIP Member
Keep talking, Hope, and it will get better ;)
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Sexual Assault Need Some Help Here!! Is It Possible To Get Over Abuse?
- Post starter hopeit willgetbetter
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- Moderator
- #14
Nicolette
Supporter Admin
It's weird but I come here not knowing how I got to where I am but knowing that I do. Even Anthony doesn't think I have any noticeable issues from my sexual abuse. I did have and things I did in my past make sense now when they didn't at the time.
What pains me the most is watching people here stumble, regress, fall into depressive states and get stuck. I wish I could help; I obviously knew the answers for me but like I said in the PTSD forum, it's not like hindsight where you can look back and say just do A, B and C and you will get better.
I feel very lucky as I watch and read on this forum. My heart goes out to those of you struggling but there is light at the end of the tunnel. It is a roller coaster ride too like PTSD and if you sit back you can see people go up and down. It's pleasing to see someone hit bottom but then turn it around and make a huge surge in progress. Interesting yet sad to watch someone have to make their way through life like this.
Hopefully we can all find a point at where we have peace in our hearts, head and self.
What pains me the most is watching people here stumble, regress, fall into depressive states and get stuck. I wish I could help; I obviously knew the answers for me but like I said in the PTSD forum, it's not like hindsight where you can look back and say just do A, B and C and you will get better.
I feel very lucky as I watch and read on this forum. My heart goes out to those of you struggling but there is light at the end of the tunnel. It is a roller coaster ride too like PTSD and if you sit back you can see people go up and down. It's pleasing to see someone hit bottom but then turn it around and make a huge surge in progress. Interesting yet sad to watch someone have to make their way through life like this.
Hopefully we can all find a point at where we have peace in our hearts, head and self.
- Post starter
- #15
hopeit willgetbetter
Bronze Member
Thank you x
Hi Hope,
there is no doubt that sexual abuse is a traumatic event and thus it should not come as any great surprise that many (though not all) victims develop some form of stress disorder as a result (ASD or PTSD). I would argue that lack of disclosure at the time, or shortly after, greatly increases this risk. Thus, the victim remains trapped in the past and cannot adequately engage with the present. There are three main characteristics that define PTSD: Avoidance; Intrusion; and Hypervigilance. The first two are like the poles of a magnet, and mutually exclusive. As sufferers we go out of our way to avoid any stimulus that will trigger a traumatic memory - and this can happen entirely subconciously without our knowing why we have certain behaviours others find strange. Intrusion is the unwanted flashbacks, dreams, imagery etc of our trauma that spontaneously burst into our conscious minds completely out of the blue. This is actually a part of the healing process for trauma, a means by which we can piece by piece 'dismantle' the trauma memory (as in exposure therapy). Indeed, many people who have had less traumatic experiences recover spontaneously in this way without any outside intervention.
But we can't. The emotional content of the trauma is so great, that our thinking brain (intellect) repeatedly slams the door on it, so it remains trapped within the middle or mammalian brain (limbic system) where it causes havoc with numerous crucial neurological structures therein including the amygdala (fear response) and hippocampi (memory). Thus, we remain in a heightened state of anxiety, and the trauma memories are not processed in the normal manner, and thus remain 'active'.
However, it doesn't end there. In my case, I had total amnesia for well over 20 years. Thus, specific trauma flashbacks and imagery were entirely absent. Instead, I had a recurring dream related to the trauma, a 'snapshot' of the event that never varied, not only was it visually graphic but also in terms of taste (as in flavour). Typically, it would intrude into a regular dream suddenly and entirely out of context with that dream. This, in turn, would trigger the re-enactment / revictimisation cycle that was to dominate my life during the repression years.
For me, and I think many others, once I had total recall, I began to recover really quite quickly in terms of the panic attacks and the re-enactment rituals as now I was able to process the trauma using my intellect and in this manner there is no doubt for me that 'recovery' is possible. However, it also brought a terrible realisation of the true costs of my trauma over the decades - and this can be extremely difficult to comes to terms with. This is where a good support network is vital, because it is no longer as easy to 'avoid' these issues. BUT: what is happening is you are gradually reclaiming your 'true-self', the real you, not the traumatised you ('false-self') and believe me, the two can be poles apart. Unfortunately, it will never be possible to recover the pre-trauma self, as this has been indelibly scarred by the trauma itself, regardless of any recovery thereafter.
Thus, one can 'move on' and function in the present rather than the past, and one can plan for the future more realistically. And as for the trauma? One learns to live with it as something that happened in the past and that is where it will remain - at least for most of the time.
I hope this has helped - I know I have gone on a bit.
Bin.
there is no doubt that sexual abuse is a traumatic event and thus it should not come as any great surprise that many (though not all) victims develop some form of stress disorder as a result (ASD or PTSD). I would argue that lack of disclosure at the time, or shortly after, greatly increases this risk. Thus, the victim remains trapped in the past and cannot adequately engage with the present. There are three main characteristics that define PTSD: Avoidance; Intrusion; and Hypervigilance. The first two are like the poles of a magnet, and mutually exclusive. As sufferers we go out of our way to avoid any stimulus that will trigger a traumatic memory - and this can happen entirely subconciously without our knowing why we have certain behaviours others find strange. Intrusion is the unwanted flashbacks, dreams, imagery etc of our trauma that spontaneously burst into our conscious minds completely out of the blue. This is actually a part of the healing process for trauma, a means by which we can piece by piece 'dismantle' the trauma memory (as in exposure therapy). Indeed, many people who have had less traumatic experiences recover spontaneously in this way without any outside intervention.
But we can't. The emotional content of the trauma is so great, that our thinking brain (intellect) repeatedly slams the door on it, so it remains trapped within the middle or mammalian brain (limbic system) where it causes havoc with numerous crucial neurological structures therein including the amygdala (fear response) and hippocampi (memory). Thus, we remain in a heightened state of anxiety, and the trauma memories are not processed in the normal manner, and thus remain 'active'.
However, it doesn't end there. In my case, I had total amnesia for well over 20 years. Thus, specific trauma flashbacks and imagery were entirely absent. Instead, I had a recurring dream related to the trauma, a 'snapshot' of the event that never varied, not only was it visually graphic but also in terms of taste (as in flavour). Typically, it would intrude into a regular dream suddenly and entirely out of context with that dream. This, in turn, would trigger the re-enactment / revictimisation cycle that was to dominate my life during the repression years.
For me, and I think many others, once I had total recall, I began to recover really quite quickly in terms of the panic attacks and the re-enactment rituals as now I was able to process the trauma using my intellect and in this manner there is no doubt for me that 'recovery' is possible. However, it also brought a terrible realisation of the true costs of my trauma over the decades - and this can be extremely difficult to comes to terms with. This is where a good support network is vital, because it is no longer as easy to 'avoid' these issues. BUT: what is happening is you are gradually reclaiming your 'true-self', the real you, not the traumatised you ('false-self') and believe me, the two can be poles apart. Unfortunately, it will never be possible to recover the pre-trauma self, as this has been indelibly scarred by the trauma itself, regardless of any recovery thereafter.
Thus, one can 'move on' and function in the present rather than the past, and one can plan for the future more realistically. And as for the trauma? One learns to live with it as something that happened in the past and that is where it will remain - at least for most of the time.
I hope this has helped - I know I have gone on a bit.
Bin.
- Post starter
- #17
hopeit willgetbetter
Bronze Member
Thank you so much this makes a lot of sense to me. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and am currently on medication. I have an appointment booked to see a psychotherapist in January as my doctor says I am too unstable at the moment. I am trying hard to look forward instead of backwards, but am still struggling with the symptoms of the PTSD. I hope that things will improve and I am willing to do whatever it takes to find myself again and stop being a victim. Thanks again for taking the time to reply to my post. :hug:
Bin, I want to ask you something and you don't have to answer if you don't want to. How did the memories come back after 20 years of amnesia? Was it something that triggered it? Did you do something to remember?
I am asking because I have a strange feeling right now. As I was reading what you wrote above I remembered I had a reccuring dream myself during high school. It was nothing frightening really, but I would always wake up scared from it. I went to a pshychologist back then and after a few meetings she helped me go on with my dream, see what was happening after the point I would usually wake up. Again, nothing scary in itself, maybe a bit weird. After "finishing" the dream, I never had it again. Still, a week ago my T told me there is something suspicious about the high school period - I didn't mention the dream, because I didn't remember that detail until now. She told me there was something that triggered a change in my behaviour between primary school and high school, but I can't remember anything happening - apart from my ongoing abusive childhood. Nothing had changed as far as I remember, but still I changed. I'm not going anywhere in particular with this, I would just like to know if there's a way you can "pull out" burried memories - if any.
I am asking because I have a strange feeling right now. As I was reading what you wrote above I remembered I had a reccuring dream myself during high school. It was nothing frightening really, but I would always wake up scared from it. I went to a pshychologist back then and after a few meetings she helped me go on with my dream, see what was happening after the point I would usually wake up. Again, nothing scary in itself, maybe a bit weird. After "finishing" the dream, I never had it again. Still, a week ago my T told me there is something suspicious about the high school period - I didn't mention the dream, because I didn't remember that detail until now. She told me there was something that triggered a change in my behaviour between primary school and high school, but I can't remember anything happening - apart from my ongoing abusive childhood. Nothing had changed as far as I remember, but still I changed. I'm not going anywhere in particular with this, I would just like to know if there's a way you can "pull out" burried memories - if any.
I had amnesia and was watching a recorded version of Eastenders from the night before that I had missed. In it a guy had taken a girl for a meal and got her very drunk, he took her back to her house and came on to her. She told him she wasn't interested and his response was "Oh yes you will". From that moment onwards my memory was back and smack bang in front of my face. I was totally confused as to how I could have absolutely no recollection of the event and then suddenly it had come back. I had heard those words before without it triggering me but I think that in conjunction with what was going on in the episode of Eastenders it totally triggered me big style.
If you are wanting to pull out those memories that you can't recall on purpose then I think that will be very difficult. I would assume (from my experience anyway) that you would need to be triggered by something closely related to what happened... the problem with that being that because you don't know what happened you don't know what will trigger you.
However, Bin's experience may be very different so maybe he can give you some better suggestions.
If you are wanting to pull out those memories that you can't recall on purpose then I think that will be very difficult. I would assume (from my experience anyway) that you would need to be triggered by something closely related to what happened... the problem with that being that because you don't know what happened you don't know what will trigger you.
However, Bin's experience may be very different so maybe he can give you some better suggestions.
I had a concern that pictures might have been taken of me at one point. I don't know whether this is something that actually happened or if it something that I just don't want to have happened. I wanted to try to jog my memory so that I was at least aware of what I was (or wasn't dealing with). I have now come to terms with the fact that I can't trigger that memory and that until my memory is automatically triggered to remember it (IF it did indeed happen) I just have to sit back, wait and get on with my life as well as possible. It took me a few months to get to that realisation and I'm still not certain that it didn't happen but I have got there with the "getting on with life".
cherryblossom
VIP Member
It hasn't been deleted.
It's very annoying when that happens. It's usually due to a problem at the users end. Often internet connectivity, particularly if you use wireless or mobile broadband, which disconnect after a period of inactivity (ie while you are writing your post).
If I write a long reply, I usually copy my text before hitting the 'post' button. That way if my computer has gone off line, I can re-connect and then re-post.
It's very annoying when that happens. It's usually due to a problem at the users end. Often internet connectivity, particularly if you use wireless or mobile broadband, which disconnect after a period of inactivity (ie while you are writing your post).
If I write a long reply, I usually copy my text before hitting the 'post' button. That way if my computer has gone off line, I can re-connect and then re-post.
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