Need suggestions on how to stop penalizing myself

[Justmehere]

Stupid self injury battle isn’t being won at the moment.

 

[MrMoonlight]

You don't deserve punishment Justmehere, but for now, I hope you aren't too hard on yourself for doing that. Can you get that energy out in a different way? big hugs.

 

[Sideways]

Sometimes when I remind myself that SH is like treating a hangover with more vodka, that helps. Sometimes. Because it is. You get the short term relief, but when that wears off, hey presto, I’m in even further.

Similarly, reality checking that “This isn’t actually helping, or necessary.” With my SH that’s directly going down the “punishment” channel - I hold off for half an hour or an an hour, then check in with myself. Did I actually become a worse person for not engaging in punishment?” Nope. Still the same me. No better or worse. Punishment doesn’t change me at all. Except perhaps make my self-loathing louder.

These are feelings. And they feel shit. And probably you know exactly where they’re coming from, and why they’re hanging around. But as shitty as it feels? Those feelings will inevitably pass, usually quicker if I can sit with them rather than indulge the ‘punishment’ urge that goes along with them. The feelings themselves can’t hurt me, not if I can just sit with how uncomfortable they are in this moment.

It didn’t make my life easier the last time I punished myself. It didn’t. It never does.

You’re not alone with this stuff. And none of us deserve it. Not me. Not you.

Hope it passes sooner rather than later.

 

[Justmehere]

I really want to stop. It doesn’t bring any relief. Pretty useless. It helps to think it’s useless. Because it is useless. It’s even useless as a “punishment.” You are right that it doesn’t change me for the better.

I’m not sure why I feel so driven to do it. I think I’m very afraid and very tired of not being enough for people and them hurting me. I think I have a lot of reminders of abusers popping up right now. All the things said about wanting me penalized.

I don’t need to add to it. Feeling a little nutty. The thoughts are mine but it’s like one thought to penalize me and another to counter it to “slow it down.”

 

[Sideways]

The thoughts are mine but it’s like one thought to penalize me and another to counter it to “slow it down.”

The thoughts aren’t where it starts though. Are you able to name the emotions? Reduce it down from these horrible, overwhelming thoughts to what they actually are?

It seems like a big part of this is fear. So, this is fear. Fewr of something particular probably. Fear feels likes this. Brain adds to it with all these extra thoughts to make it fit and make sense, but actually, as shitty as it is, it’s all coming from an emotion. An emotion you can probably name.

It’s not a need to punish at all, that’s what brain has turned it into to try and do something with it. But if it’s a feeling, called Fear, or whichever feeling it is? That’s something you can deal with. You’ve overcome that emotion many times before, over and over. That emotion isn’t so big and powerful after all.

 

[Justmehere]

@Sideways, thank you! That is clicking for me. I do feel a lot of fear. Every time the thoughts pop up, I’m telling myself, “No, I’m just feeling fear.” The self injury urge and the penalizing thoughts are going down a lot. It’s not getting so stuck in my head. Huh. Now that’s cool. I’m shivering from the fear, but that’s endurable.

 

[Sideways]

Brilliant. Given the number of times you’ve stared fear down in the past? You can absolutely do it again. You got this. It will pass. It always passes.

 

[Tinyflame]

I stopped physical SH'ing eventually after I read "Women Who Hurt Themselves' or something like that- an old book I read around 1992 or 1993, and felt compassion/ tears for myself (on one occasion). I also, in regards to another form of SH ~'heard' (not heard audibly, but in my head , if that makes sense), something like, 'what you're doing to stop the pain is causing you pain' (I didn't experience it as painful). After that I had blips and a short(er) struggle but only once or twice did that kind of SH resurface after that (and shocked me it did, since it had been decades. But they remained isolated incidents, during unbearable conditions).

ETA, I think they've renamed the book, "Women Who Hurt Themselves: A Book of Hope and Understanding" (Miller), because the 1st ed is listed originally as 1994. I know they did say it could be destabalizing, though.

I agree it can be about fear, and guilt, and shame.

Hang in there @Justmehere . :hug:

 

[TruthSeeker]

Leonardo said, "When in despair, draw your way out." So, instead of doing any SH shit....I get out the paper and draw my feelings about what's causing me to want to numb up, and I use lots of color, and refocus my attention on getting it out somehow. That will do it for me. Don't know if that helps.

 

[piratelady]

Are you able to name the emotions? Reduce it down from these horrible, overwhelming thoughts to what they actually are?

Does anyone know how to actually do this? I can’t figure out how to get from the thoughts to the feelings?

 

[TruthSeeker]

When I started therapy, I couldn't understand the concept of shame (there was no example and no feeling with the word)....because that part of me wasn't connected to shame-I put the shameful part away 30 years ago). There were other feelings I didn't connect with in conversation-anger (I know what anger looks like) but I don't let myself feel that one much-so there is a disconnect because I was raised that anger was bad-anger kinda equated with crazy people get angry (and I wasn't crazy). When I draw my brother and how he portrays his anger......I can see the angry face, draw the angry feeling in the drawing....and the resulting feeling elicited in me is fear. Anger causes fear in me.

I had to draw the feelings of others, and then connect with what do I feel when I look at the picture. So if you want to try feeling anger, draw something that someone did to you to hurt you. Do you have a "feelings" vocabulary? Like can you look at a picture and guess the feeling of the character in the photo, what is going on in the picture, and use one feeling word to describe your perception of what he/she may be feeling?

When I was really symptomatic, I couldn't even begin to fathom feeling contented......it was a foreign concept....but after a couple of years working on this....I catch glimpses of contentment. In my writing, I try to pick one word that identifies the main feeling at the time. I think in active trauma, I knew unhappy, terrified, depressed, sad, confused, abandoned, betrayed, and hurt.......when things quieted down, and I started getting out to the park, doing art, music, photography, and excercising, then I started to have other feelings. In the house, when I was hanging in my bed alot, my feelings were more negative...and I know those feelings.
So, you want to feel something other than negative.....try doing positive, healthy, happy things and write or draw after doing them. That's the best suggestion I have. Hope you figure this one out..

 

[Friday]

This is one of the areas that having kids helped me with, the most. Kids and dogs aren’t that dissimilar... both you’re training, both depend on you, and your protection, and your guidance. Which I mention since I know you have a dog.

So... (I’m not supplying -possible- answers to either, since your own answers will mean more to you, than mine will)

1. What’s the purpose of punishment, when you punish your dog?

2. Would you do to your dog what you’re doing to yourself?

3. If you wanted to encourage or discourage a certain behavior in your dog, how would you go about it?

It can be a bit of a mindf*ck when you realize you don’t treat yourself as well as you’d treat a dog... but it’s still a step in the right direction. First, raise the bar and treat yourself as a dog, since you’re treating yourself worse... then maybe raise the bar a bit more and treat yourself better?