Need Validation Or Advice...

[EvenStrongerNow]

Backstory and this is literally as far as it went. These are all of the details.

I know a girl who is a friend of one of my exes. Back in 2006, I baby sat her kid for free a couple days a week to help her out. That was all.

Flash forward to now. She and I chat over the phone on occasion. We have hung out a total of two times and at her house because she kept canceling meeting me out somewhere.

Several months back, I had a heart to heart with her because I noticed she only calls me when she is having a crisis or needs something. She plans getting together with me every week, twice a week and then cancels. She would also text and call late at night with a crisis. When I confronted her gently, she pulled out the ex card and said, "I cant believe you are saying this. I am your friend even though you are an ex girlfriend of one of my best friends and I have a rough life!"

I totally get what having a rough life means but I kind of felt like her ex comment was basically telling me that she is doing me a favor by being my friend. I am not worthy of a friendship otherwise?

Anyway, I let it go. Yesterday, I got two calls and texts. The texts said that she was panicking and was considering going to the ER and also that she needed to borrow some of my beauty school stuff because she is hurting financially and kept asking me to please answer.

Well, this kind of behavior is a trigger for me. How I deal with it is I will disengage and put up a boundary that I will not respond to other peoples crisis of this type of nature until I have had some time to think. One of my sources of trauma was a 2.5 year relationship with a drug addict and sociopath. He created crisis after crisis, wore me down and manipulated me.

Today, I posted on Facebook that I was excited about taking a road trip soon with my husband. We have been going through a lot of stress over the past few months with our dog having cancer, my Dad had a stroke and an accident, his Dad had a stroke, his mom has heart problems and had to have a surgery and we had to put our dog down. And we have been busy with car repairs to put it up for sale and we just financed a new vehicle. Car dealerships and sales people are a huge trigger for me so I was in an emotional flashback for days. So, that is a lot to deal with.

So I posted about the camping trip to be light and positive and to get likes a comments of celebration because everyone knows what we have been going through lately. This girl I am referring to chose that particular post to say, "I called you like 3 times yesterday and you did not respond."

I did not reply. Then she sent me repeat texts today of the ones she sent yesterday. I did not respond. Then she texted and said she does not appreciate being ignored and because I did not reply to her fb post, that means I have slapped her in the face and said that she is not a bad friend to me.

I decided to send her a long message about how I am not ignoring her. i just chose to not respond yet because I am going through a whole helluva lot right now and everything is just a bit much for me to deal with right now. She knows I have ptsd.

I am pretty sure I do not wish to be friends with her after all of that, but she borrowed a beautiful and brand new picnic basket that my aunt gifted to us for our wedding. We haven't even gotten to use it yet, but she has flaked on returning it 3 times.

I am not sure what to do because I am being triggered.

 

[arfie]

When I get agitated over this kind of stuff, I follow the advice of my favorite therapist:

"On your mark!
"Get set!
"SIT!!!!"

In other words, I do nothing until I have calmed myself. Once I am fully calm I typically discover I had the answer, after all.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

So she just replied and said that she knows I am going through a lot. That all I had to do was just tell her that in a text and let her know that I will get back to her when I can. That she is okay with that. That pretending she does not exist is hurtful. And that she has told me before that she does not take issue if I would just be straight with her when I am going through something.

I feel horrible about it. I understand what she is saying. When I am in the middle of being triggered, rational thought goes out the window, I forget previous conversations like her telling me it is okay to just let her know that I can not respond, and I get vey hyper vigilant and avoid.

And I know when I have been avoided or seemingly ignored, I get hurt too.

How do I deal with this??? I do not want to hurt people. I do not have tools to manage this part of PTSD. And sometimes I do not know when I am being triggered until days later :( It also seems like my ability to hear other people's issues has been monumentally lowered. When my stress levels are high, hearing anything negative or hard or troublesome automatically makes me feel ill.

In a friendship, I have to be able to. Also, when she tells me how she was the first one to call me and see if I was okay when I was putting my dog to sleep, I had no memory of it. I mean, I do but it is so vague. How can I just forget things like that? Is memory loss a part of PTSD?

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

When I am triggered, it is like a war breaks out in my head. And I drown. I hate that it takes away my ability to think clearly or see situations rationally.

What do I do? Do I just tell people if I don't respond, it is because I am being triggered? How is that being a good friend if I can not always be there for them?

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I am crying. It just sucks. And I feel like I have no room or excuse to break down right now because of everything that has been going on. I am afraid to ask for emotional support.

 

[arfie]

Memory loss is a part of my own PTSD. So is the over-reacting, hyper vigilance, insensitivity, etc. Hence the importance of learning how to do nothing. Sometimes I just need time to calm the chaos. I make it up to my loved ones and friends later.

Gentle hugs, StrongerNow.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Well, do you explain anything to them?

How does calming down work if you are just stuck on auto pilot and you do not even realize what is happening?

Does that make sense? As soon as the war starts with a trigger, I am off and I do not feel I can manage it if I am completely unaware that it is happening. It is like it just invades and takes over.

 

[TeaLeaf]

StrongerNow- You are doing such and amazing job of handling this, you really are.

You gently told her how you felt about her flaking out on you, she chose to focus the attention on herself and make you feel like she was doing a favor by being your friend which is such a hurtful and crappy thing to do. Then she tried to contact you because she was having a crisis and you set up a good boundary because it was a trigger for you. Then you posted on Facebook that you were excited about a trip and she chose to redirect the attention on herself and say, "But I contacted you 3 times about me and you haven't responded".

She sounds very self centered and lacking in self awareness and you are healthy enough to question whether you want to be friends with this sort of person. It's tough that she has something of yours that is important and that you really want back. I wonder if you could let the dust settle a bit and then contact her and say something neutral like, "I'm sorry you were having a rough time" and work into the conversation that you'd like the picnic basket back and offer to stop by her place to pick it up. I know I am oversimplifying things and it isn't likely to go that smoothly. If you don't get it back, is it possible that you could buy the picnic basket for yourself at the store and cut your losses on the basket and friendship?

Keep taking care of yourself, doing things to sooth your emotions and setting up boundaries with others.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Over the weekend at the car dealership, I was in a constant state of trigger because everything is a sense of urgency to them. Like 911 when they say, "hurry, this deal will not last long!"

And they talk so fast and their demeanor. It is just like my ex did. In my trigger, I felt so unsafe. I was sure they were lying the whole time and trying to manipulate me. I even stayed up until 6am in the morning crunching numbers in my head and researching their sales tactics because I was so sure they were out to screw me. My conscious and unconscious thought process was playing at the same time and I could hear them both.

It was not like a break in thought. I had two thought strings playing at the same time. And I could not ground myself.

On the way to the dealership the next day, my husband caught on to my trigger I did not even realize it. He said, "Babe, I know sales people are a trigger for you. I hate that I did not see it before but this is a pattern. It seems that you are battling your ex with them in your mind. I promise I am intelligent and I can handle this. You do not have to take this all on yourself."

I was brought back to reality right in that moment and it clicked. My whole personality had changed during that experience. When the deal was done, there was no manipulation past their usual minor sales tactics. That is just the nature of the business. I felt like such an idiot. THEy were afraid of me and looked at me like I was crazy. It was awful.

There are a lot of hustlers and fast talkers in Los angeles and so was my abuser. It is sooo rough. I think it is coloring all of my relationships. Not with my hubby anymore though, but that took almost 3 years to get to that place with him building trust with consistency. I can not do that with strangers and friends I only get to see once in awhile. I get thrown off and feel like I am back at square one.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

You're probably right Tea Leaf. My husband just said that very thing on the phone. He said it is good that I am recognizing triggers and trying to learn to manage but that he does not want me to stop trusting myself again. He says that I am growing and getting healthier and with that comes a different perspective on how I would like to be treated by others because in the past, I did not think I deserved better. So he says he things it is a combo of the two and just wants me to remember myself in the process.

It is just hard because it seems to be a pattern but I do have one girlfriend that this stuff NEVER happens with. I do not get triggered by her ever...I could use that as a comparison tool but I do not know if that is healthy?

Maybe I just keep trying to tolerate what is intolerable to me personally? But when I get triggered, it is much harder to see clearly.

 

[Hashi]

In a friendship, I have to be able to.

How is this a friendship?

You haven't said one thing that you like about her, or one benefit for you that comes from knowing her. You've only talked about obligations, demands and feeling guilty.

I think you're confusing an entanglement with a self-focussed, difficult person with friendship. The same rules don't apply.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

***Could contain trigger words***

Thanks Hashi. Yes, I believe you are correct.

Do you know what to do to manage the riggers I spoke about throughout this post?

I just called my T and told her about both things. The girl and the car dealership experience. She says we will talk about it tomorrow and that it is totally trauma related--the car dealership part.

The issue is also in my boundaries shattering in the midst of a trigger. I get so bent out of shape about the PTSD that I will let my guard down too much, self deprecate in talking to people like this girl ....and I get confused.

But I do like things about this girl. When we do talk and catch up by phone, I enjoy talking to her. During our visits, we have a good time. She battles with her own childhood trauma--she was raped, etc. she just beat thyroid cancer by having it removed not that long ago, just enrolled in school to try and better her life. She has a little girl and is pregnant currently and battles super anxiety from the health trauma and childhood trauma combined.

Also, she gets me when I do get vulnerable and share with her about my struggles. She never ever avoids me or doesn't respond when I am having problems.

It is just the manner in which she comes at me to share her problems and the content triggers me. There are times when I am feeling well and I do not feel this way, where I can hear about my friends' struggles and I can remain calm and provide emotional support.