Needing To Control My Temper Help!!

[Cassey]

You will get there, I won't lie it will be hard work but you will. Keep me posted how you get on and good luck

 

[StarChild]

@bigt69, your thread title says: "Needing to control my temper Help!" Maybe I'm just overtired and don't get where you refer to it in your thread. But let me ask you this: What exactly happens when you can't control your temper any longer? This to me would be essential to know. Because that was the emphasis of your thread title... Would you give us some examples of what happens, when you can't control it?

Oh and another thing that left me quite puzzled:

another fatal rtc

on the scene at a fatal rta Ip

Please try to avoid acronyms. As you see, this is an international forum, and not everyone knows or has to know, all acronyms. As I said, the more people get what you're saying, the more answers you possibly would receive... Thank you again.

 

[Cassey]

Fatal rtc is a road traffic accident were someone has died

 

[bigt69]

Hi treehugger.firstly let me apologise for the use of acronyms,this is my first time on any forum of any kind and therefore im still learning lol (ooops!) As you can see my sense of humour isnt affected by my problem.

With regards to your question my temper mostly involves being snappy sharp and quite cutting in my remarks to my partner and kids.

For instance my step daughter two weeks ago was cheeky(all kids are on occasions)i snapped back"what did you say?" Just the look on her face said "oh shit"and she replied"nothing" i asked her 7 or 8 times"what did you say?"each time she replied"nothing".
With hindsight each time she said it my temper level increased 10 per cent.
That was until i replied "if you're brave enough to come out with a sarcastic reply at least have the balls to back it up with a response"
At that point i stood up and walked away leaving my partner to pick up the pieces and stop her crying.shes only 10.
I went into the kitchen and within five minutes my temper had gone but i was absolutely mentally and physically exhausted and within five minutes i was sat in the dark in the garden crying my eyes out. I was soon joined by my two kids who were also in tears.
I just cant do this to my loved ones anymore

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It was my own violent anger that got me to hit rock bottom and seek help. I also went to a anger management class and that information was so useful.

Being angry and sarcastic is a choice. Now you are aware of it and will be watching it more closely.

My sister is a rageaholic and just keeps on raging. Very hard to deal with. I cannot stand her anymore because of it.

I wish you the best in your healing process and I wish you management over your anger coming out of you like it is.

 

[StarChild]

Hi @bigt69, what I'm going to tell you, is not to understand as judgement, but as an attempt to make you see your temper through the eyes of your family. Hope it helps.

Somehow i managed to bury it in my mind but never truly forgotten.

To "bury" something, like you describe it, simply doesn't work. Because it's denial. And denial will always work against you sooner or later.... Did you ever try to push a ball under the waters surface? Its very difficult to hold it down, because it always forces its way back up to the surface...

and although i have never been violent in any way i do have a temper.

my temper mostly involves being snappy sharp and quite cutting in my remarks to my partner and kids.

First off, what you describe IS violence. Verbal violence. And I bet your body language (even though unconscious) during such moments is threatening.

i snapped back"what did you say?" Just the look on her face said "oh shit"and she replied"nothing" i asked her 7 or 8 times"what did you say?"each time she replied"nothing". With hindsight each time she said it my temper level increased 10 per cent.

That was until i replied "if you're brave enough to come out with a sarcastic reply at least have the balls to back it up with a response"

It would be very helpful to know, what triggered such a reaction of yours? Did you feel that your authority was questioned by her remark? Because what you describe here is nothing else but a demonstration of power towards a 10 year old... Such behaviour is very threatening as well as intimidating and humiliating. How was she supposed to answer to such a threatening question? This is not okay. Not towards a partner and not towards children. For they have to fear you in such moments! Or how do you think a child feels, when treated in such a way?

Or what is your partners daughter supposed to learn from you in such moments? The only thing she or other around you will learn, is to avoid you. And they will learn that your unpredictable behaviour makes you an unsafe person to be around. So they have to walk on eggshells to not "provoke" your temper.

If I were you, I would do both things, maybe even similarly: Trauma therapy AND Anger Management. The sooner the better! Because therapy can / will first things make worse before they get better. Therefore you have to take action immediately, respectively get back the control over your temper. Otherwise it has to be expected, that your loved ones will have to endure more such temper from you. And please consider that your temper has already started to take its toll on them:

and within five minutes i was sat in the dark in the garden crying my eyes out. I was soon joined by my two kids who were also in tears.

I think those two quotes are really essential:

Also, believe it or not, when you are angry, you do actually have a choice, and you do actually have the power to deal with it constructively. I kind of thought that the anger was in control of me instead of the other way around, and it was, until I took the control back...

Being angry and sarcastic is a choice.

 

[bigt69]

Hi everyone.thankyou all for your comments,my intention over the weekend was to read and absorb everything that has been mentioned on this thread and it started so well!However.we have had a hugely traumatic experiencd this weekend which has rocked us all to the core.

For the past four or so months we have had a romanian foster dog,he's supposedly 6-7years old and has been a great addition to the family.we dont know his full history but he was house trained and at some time had received some training.he was brought into the uk in oct last year to a rescue centre who specialise in saving dogs from romania where they are often tortured and inhumanely executed in their kennels.where he remained in kennels here sad and lonely until april this year when we took him in.

All has been good until last weds when a visitor to the house was bitten by the dog quite badly.to say this was a shock is a understatement.He again tried to bite a visitor(well known to the dog)on saturday.At this point we were at the point where we realised he had to go.Saturday night the dog attacked me totally unprovoked,biting my legs badly my partner tried to stop the dog but hit her eye on the doorframe and injured her knee.

To cut along story short the dog was ushered into the garden while we attended hospital to have our injuries treated.The dog was destroyed by a vet with the assistance of the police on sunday.

Im not after people commenting on why did you bring a dog into your house?why put the kids in danger?etc etc thats not what this forum is for.

I am learning more each day about my emotions and how they effect my temper.
No pun intended but im like a dog with a bone with it at the moment.We are totally stunned about the events of this weekend but looking back despite everything,i havent been moody or had any sign of a temper for over two weeks.Maybe the anti depressants are actually working for me this time or maybe what you guys have said on here has lodged in my subconscious.

It would be stupid of me to suggest im all good after two weeks.thats impossible after 25 years of hurt.however even though im grieving at the moment because of the dog i feel different.i cant quite put my finger on it yet but i think the corner that needs to be turned is visible in the distance.

There have been some comments on this thread that have really struck a chord.To be honest a few when ive read them for the first time have hit me like a brick to the face and i thank you for doing it.
My short term aim is now to continue on the meds.to continue analizing my moods and feelings.to look out for the "triggers".to get a private counsellor(easier said than done!!) And to slowly rebuild damaged relationships hopefully even stronger than they were before.

 

[Cassey]

Evening,

So sorry about your dog and what occurred. As a dog lover myself I know your decision dispite what happened would not have been a easy one.

Glad in a way your feeling abit better about things and the meds seem to be doing their job. It is worth keeping a diary of your thoughts so when you get your appointment it will give him or her something to go on.

Take care

 

[bigt69]

Good idea cassey. modern smartphones have a notes/diary app so ill start using that as of tomorrow cheers

 

[bigt69]

Good idea cassey. modern smartphones have a notes/diary app so ill start using that as of tomorrow cheers