Childhood Neglect, Abuse Or Am I Over Reacting Over Nothing?

[Cleo6]

This is gonna be hard to write. When I was 11 i started my periods I remember learning about them at school and teachers talking about how mums and daughter bond over it. I told my mum and she asked me if I'm sure. I said yeah and she said ok then walked off. Later on I was sitting on my bed and she came in throw a pack of towels on the bed and said that I could use them then after I can buy my own. I remember the first time going into the chemist looking at all the different ones you could buy feeling so confused. I would wait for hours outside the chemist until it was empty and would quickly grab stuff then pay shove them in my bag then run out

One time I started but didn't have anything my mum had a pack of towels that weren't open so I used one before going to the shop. She was out at the time when I got home she started shouting at me cos I shouldn't of taken one out of the pack as they were hers

Sometimes my mum would decide that I wouldn't get pocket money as I'd been arguing with my brother so I wouldn't have any money to buy them. I would tell my mum why I needed the money and she told me that I should of thought of that first. I asked my dad to borrow some money but I didn't tell him why but he told me he wouldn't intervene. Sometimes I see my mums handbag and would take some money out of her purse to get some I remember feeling really bad for stealing but I really didn't know what else to do I would only take enough for what I need but then I think she realised so then she started carrying her bag around the house. I would end up having to roll up toilet roll and use that hoping that I wouldn't leak. I think I was about 13 or 14 I can't remember I got a job so from then on I was ok.

What would you say this is neglect, abuse or am I just over reacting over nothing. If it is abuse what would you call it? Thank you

 

[Leighlee87]

I would definitely put it under emotional abuse. That's awful, and no you are not over-reacting. It's funny how we second guess ourselves or minimize what was done to us.

 

[LadyZane]

I would also say neglect. It's been hard to understand the definition of neglect in terms of my own experience--you think of kids just left alone for days at a time to fend completely for themselves, no food, no supervision, etc. But it's really anything that ignores the basic material and emotional needs of a child. These kinds of supplies are a basic need for a teenage girl! Not to mention the emotional support of transitioning into a new phase of your life. To withhold what you needed and then chastise you for not being able to get it yourself -- that's neglectful AND abusive. I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

[Suzetig]

I think it's a bit of a fallacy that lots of mums and daughters bond over start of menstruation - I don't know of any who would describe it as a bonding experience. It is however a transition and you had the right to expect appropriate access to sanitary protection and your mum was neglectful in not doing so.

It sounds like you feel it's important to name it in some way - what's making you try to figure it out now, does it impact you now in some way? The reason I ask is that many children don't have some of their basic needs met by parents and most go on to do just fine because enough of their needs are met enough of the time. While naming an experience as neglect or abuse can be helpful in making sense if it, it can also leave us looking for "impact" that might not be there.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I would definitely put it under emotional abuse. That's awful, and no you are not over-reacting. It...

Agreed, that is emotional abuse for sure, a child relies on the parent for daily care

 

[Cleo6]

hi thank you for all your replies. It's just one of the many things my mum did and was like. I just wanted to know if I'm over reacting as I feel bad when thinking about some of the stuff that happened. My kids are 9 and 12 and I couldn't image doing this to my daughter who's 9 so have a few more years but I don't know if I'm over sensitive over it so labelling helps in that way

 

[Sideways]

I'm with @Suzetig on the "bonding over the first period" idea. With 2 older sisters, my mum had some experience with the whole first period thing by the time she got to me. One of my sisters had been really terrified when she had to start using feminine hygiene products, and I think everyone in our family remains the screaming and howling from the bathroom with my mum practically in tears trying to figure out how to comfort her through it.

So when she got to me, and I turned around and asked for some pads one day, calm as can be, she told me where they were kept and nothing more was said. Most of it I figured out from my friends at school.

I think it's pretty reasonable to expect that a parent would provide a child with pads - but is that neglect consistent with the way you were treated generally? You've come to a ptsd website to ask about this, which makes me think that perhaps starting with this example is possibly a safe way for you to start questioning a bigger issue, and if that's the case? Something's not right about mum failing to provide you with pads, so where does that take you? Do you feel safe to elaborate on what home was like? We all feel like our childhood was 'normal' till someone tells us "actually, that's not what parents are supposed to do".

In my mind, based on what you've written, not having pads when you needed them doesn't sound like the real issue here. Mum's screw up with some issues, none of them are perfect, but is just about the pads?

 

[Twilight]

My mom handed me a tampon with no instructions and told me to figure it out. After struggling for what seemed like hours, i rummaged around the bathroom and found the instructions. That made it easy! I had told her several times i didnt know how to use the tampon and she just kept saying "go practice'. If she would have just given me the instructions.....(since she couldn't be bothered to TELL me the instructions). And, yes, this is just one example of a childhood full of emotional abuse and neglect. (I have CPTSD)

 

[Cleo6]

Yeah my mum has done other stuff aswell. My t knows most of the stuff even if just basic terms. A few things I couldn't say I wrote it down and gave it to her. It's just this I can't tell her but it's bothering me as my son is now 12 and I think looking at him makes me remember how I was that age and I can't understand why my mum put me through it when it would of been so easy for her just to throw a pack of towels in the trolley.
Its not the fact she stopped my pocket money it's the fact that she would of known I was using toilet paper and she could of got some towels for me if she didn't want to give the money. I've given towels to strangers before I wouldn't even think of saying no but she did that to her own daughter knowing there was nothing I could do. It just hurts I guess she just wanted to make me suffer

 

[Twilight]

I do not know about your mom, but mine is a broken woman who seems to somehow blame me for all her problems in life. Which is funny bc she had these problems before i was born! She actually has narcissistic personality disorder, and believes i am on this earth to take care of her and meet all her needs.

A bit backwards, seeing as how i was the infant/toddler/child/adolescent at the various stages in my relationship with her, and she should have been the "adult". Now that i am an adult, i see that she is a broken child herself who never healed. I think i have forgiven her for all the pain she caused me, even though i am STILL healing from the wounds.

Forgiveness was very key in helping me to heal. I had to be honest about all my anger and rage, and express it in my own private way (not to her or publicly), and then let it go. This really gave me a lot of freedom and healing.
I am sorry you had to suffer with an unsupportive and even perhaps hateful mother when you were growing up. It affects you for the rest of your life. But healing is available, for sure. I know it can be a difficult road.

also, i realized the extent of my loss way more after i had my own child and saw how much i loved him. I would never want to hurt him the way i had been hurt by my parent. So, i see where you are coming from on that. Having my own child and loving him, magnified what i lacked growing up.

 

[LadyZane]

I do not know about your mom, but mine is a broken woman who seems to somehow blame me for all her...

This could have been written by me. It's hard to get to that point where we suddenly see that it was her all along, and not some deficiency in our character -- or just us being "needy" when we actually needed things!!

 

[Nessa7]

I would call it both emotional abuse and neglect. Menstrual products are a basic need that should be provided to children, which makes it neglect. Other aspects, like your mother withholding them while using them herself or placing barriers in your way of obtaining them, make it also emotional abuse.

I know that there are specific things from my childhood that nag at me more than everything else. I've had moments where something triggers a memory, and I can't help but spend some time trying to wrap my head about it. In my case, there is no obvious explanation for why my mother did some of the stuff that she did, and that has been a hard thing for me to come to terms with.