Never Able To Be Friends With An Ex

[Nomad81]

I've had a couple relationships over the last two years and they were aware of my condition. Just wanted to state that every time I ended the relationship, I made it clear that I have no intention of being friends...I went even farther and always said that I have no interest of being friends with any female (mean no offence to ladies) I don't believe any man wants to be "just friends" with a beautiful woman. I haven't talked to any of them since.

I dumped all of them. I would have a lot of stress and anxiety at times. They also questioned me about other women a lot even though I never dated or talked to more than one at a time once I was dating one. Just messed up how they'd have a whole platoon worth of guys they talked to and wanted to hang out with. Just see that as wrong. Is it just me? Anyone else feel this way?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Wrong? No. I only have guy friends and I see nothing wrong with a female having guy friends. Just because you think of all women as sex objects and sperm receptacles doesn't mean that all men do.

 

[Nomad81]

Well, I don't think of women that way at all. I left them for serious reasons, one cheated, one was an alcoholic etc. And when I did, I made it very clear that I did not want them in my life anymore at all. But I was trying to see if that's common for people like me to just leave/avoid people and move on. Please accept my apology Solara. I'm new here and not good with words. Just did this post to see if anyone else does this. I mean just break it off and be alone for awhile.

 

[violetclouds]

People have to deal with these things in their own way. If that is what works for you then that is what you have to do - but I would caution you that you could be missing out on some great friendships with some wonderful people by excluding the entire female population! Peace!

 

[SharkyorBones]

I think its wrong depending on the extent. If they were basically not wanting you to hang out with other females but them despite their friendship with the opposite sex then thats incredibly controlling and hypocritical I think.

Not meant as any judgment at all but perhaps you are restricting yourself based on an assumption of how you think you would feel if you remained friends with them. I know how you feel and I get what you're saying completely but its so easy to fall into that pattern of speaking in negative definites and restricting ourselves which like violet clouds said in this situation could be losing out on a great friemdship. Ultimately I say go with your gut but try not to let negative definites restrict you sweet

Be good to yourself :hug:

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hey Nomad.

It's a tough question. It's an age old question, and actually a lot of people who don't even have ptsd are also bothered by it :P

I know, from my own perspective, that's it's difficult for me to "let go" of guys. In my case all of these guys (also ex-boyfriends) said to me that they still wanted to be friends. And then you never hear anything from them anymore or see them, ever. That really used to piss me off. I would rather they had just told me "we can't be friends and I don't want to see you again".

Women, I think, have more of an emotional bond with a guy, once they establish that bond (not in all cases). So even if you quit a relationship or a fling, women still value the bond they have with you, so they would rather still see you and show their affection. I have missed the guys I cared for so much, it was agonizing not to be able to see them.

I have been given to understand that men don't function that way. So it's not wrong, just a difference in gender. Maybe you can try to be friends with a female ex, but only if you feel that you want to, and that it would be good for both of you. If you feel like it would be a drag, better not do it. That's what I think :)

 

[scout86]

I don't believe any man wants to be "just friends" with a beautiful woman.

I've always thought I was rather unattractive. I have a lot of male friends, so maybe you just confirmed my theory.

As for your theory, yes, there are other people who feel that way. One of my ex's did. (This would be part of the reason he's an ex. Oddly, we're still friends.)

I don't know about the women you've been with. I think things ought to be fair. If I'm going to go out with a guy, I expect to be able to trust him. I also think it would be unfair and unreasonable to ask him to give up a bunch of his friends, just because they happen to be female. If he asked ME to give up a bunch of my friends just because they happened to be male, I'd assume he didn't trust me and move on. I can't see any other reason for such a request.

I hope you come back into the conversation. That's how we learn and you DID ask a question. The most useful answers to questions usually come from a perspective that we hadn't thought of ourselves. That's the point of asking someone else. There are a fair number of women who don't appreciate being treated as objects or being rigidly controled by their partner. They prefer to be respected as people and as individuals. Your comments came off as fairly offensive to some of us, whether you intended it that way or not. I'm thinking that you probably didn't. That you probably just didn't realize how you came off. Now you know.

So, from your point of view, my ex was right in asking me to give up friendships with several of my oldest and closest friends? And then after we broke up (me giving up my friends wasn't going to change him thinking he could control my every move) what do I do about those friends? Go back and ask if we can still be friends? How does that work? "You're my friend as long as I'm not in a relationship, then you're not important."? What you're asking SOUNDS a lot like what the scary, controlling types of people try to do. Isolating you from everyone else in your life. That might not be what you're doing, but it's a red flag for anyone who's had any experience with that sort of thing.

Like I said, I hope you come back into the conversation. I'd really like to hear a good, logical explanation of the other side of this issue.

 

[Babykitten]

Trying to understand here .. A couple relationships in the past 2 years. You found fault with these beautiful women. They were aware of your condition. You had anxiety & stress at times.. and no intentions of being friends should you decide it's over.

In matters of the heart, it is not that simple. I feel you are being quite self-ish and yes, using woman as sex objects and wondering 'why' do I have to explain my assumptions. So you dump them!

They have guy 'friends' before you, as so do you have girl 'friends' before them. Nothing messed up with that. We all have platoons of so called friends to feel connected to this world. Asking about your previous relations is just trying to get closer to you.

Love is Honesty, Trusting & Unconditional regardless of any "conditions" or 'demons' either person lives with daily.
But then again, you never mentioned the word LOVE.

Not knowing what your asking of a relationship, besides not wanting to be friends after dumping them when your done.. more of a statement you sound proud of.

It hurts, it's sad. I wish you to Be Well ~ stress and anxiety over breaking hearts can not be good for you or your future relationships.

 

[Loveneverfails]

Honestly I would suggest you take a risk while you're spending time outside of the dating pool. Make friends with a woman whom you have no intention of sleeping with whatsoever. Spend time with her, get to know her and everything about her. Allow yourself to care about her wellbeing without necessarily seeing her gender. You might even know a woman already who would be willing to be that friend. I suggest this because it removes the expectations you've placed on women- and women in general like to know with brutal honesty exactly where they stand in any relationship whether romantic, sexual or platonic. It will be very difficult to have a successful longterm relationship with a woman if you can't be friends with one. Long term relationships aren't built off of sex and romance alone. It requires genuine affection, friendship and a whole crap load of compromise and commitment(most especially at those times when you can't stand to look at one another or when the other has made a drastic mistake or has let you down. It will happen. That's life, doesn't mean they're not loveable). If doing it in person causes too much anxiety, take baby steps. Get a pen pal or an internet gal pal to chat with. I can see where you're coming from and to be blunt, I was once locked in a similar position as yours regarding my own attempts at a love life. It wasn't a comfortable or attractive place to be for long. But the only way toward what you're seeking is to step outside of your current social habits and consider the possibility that there might be a better way, especially since it's apparent your current process isn't working out so well.