Never Getting Easier

[changed]

Hi everyone,

Wow its amazing how many people suffer from this. I thought I was on my own and nobody understood but reading some posts has made me realise I'm not.

To cut a long story short, I was in a serious accident 2 and a half years ago and was pretty close to death, I broke my neck and was trapped hanging in my car. The first week after the accident I was feeling so lucky and happy to be alive. My neck got more stable and I started university, I totally swamped myself with uni work and thought I was fine until the summer holidays. It was not until I had nowhere to hide and keep myself busy that I realised I had a big problem.

Things kept coming back to me, I was scared, angry, paranoid and searching for answers. I went to my GP who gave me tablets and put me on a long NHS waiting list for a psychologist. The tablets didn't do much for me apart from make me like a zombie so I weened myself off of them.

I now have a psychologist and have been seeing her for 8 months. The problem is every time I think I'm doing better I suddenly get worse. We have done behavioural therapy, automatic thoughts etc and are now doing EMDR but it has made me realise how deep my problem is.

I have lost who I am, I split up with my fiancé who I was with for 7 years, I'm going to be homeless, I struggle to concentrate at uni, I don't enjoy anything I used to, I'm scared at stupid things...the list goes on!

I made my psychologist aware that I was feeling suicidal with it, but now I have to go to a psychiatrist as well as seeing her. I'm scared that it will only make me worse, or they will lock me up.

Help!

 

[shaney]

changed:

Very sorry to hear that your PTSD is taking a turn for the worse as you try to take control of it. Sometimes incorrect treatment can definitely make things worse, and even good treatment will be hard to deal with in the immediate term.

You say you stopped taking the meds you were prescribed, is your doctor aware of that? And just because one medication isn't helping doesn't mean that another won't. You can sometimes also be on the right medication but the wrong dosage. Hopefully the psychiatrist will be able to find a medication that is actually helpful, if it turns out that meds could be of benefit to you. Always make sure you're completely honest with the medical professionals you're seeing about the effects of medications and don't ever hide that you've stopped taking medications (and be aware of the possible side-effects of stopping certain drugs).

And would you be willing to give us a little more information about your situation such as the circumstances of your breakup and why (and how) you're going to be homeless?

 

[Iam]

Hi Changed,

I am sorry to hear that you suffer from PTSD. I am glad that you got into therapy relatively quickly. My T reminds me frequently when you are in therapy that things get worse before they get better. Unfortunately, like many here, I have found that to be true. I have been in therapy for 11 months now and we are finally down to addressing past traumas. It is hell some weeks, other weeks I am flying high. I am confident that once we are done I will be more stable than at any other time of my life.

I am glad you are in therapy. There are many different techiniques for dealing with PTSD and what works for one may not work for another. Same with medications.

Welcome to the forum. I am sure that you will find support and help here!

 

[h2o]

Hi Changed,

Welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear you went through what you did and I totally relate to having to wait on a long waiting list. They put me on a waiting list too for 4 months. I finally got an appointment for an assesment, only to be told they couldn't treat me at that place because they felt I needed long term help, so now I am on a new waiting list and who knows how long that will be for! This forum is a lifeline for me - it validates to me that I am not completely crazy.

It is really horrible when you are feeling so bad. Hang in there and try not to worry about having to see a psychiatrist or them locking you up - those feelings you describe are all normal and are part of the PTSD so they should understand. I too get days when I feel at the point of not wanting to carry on, but it will pass.

Like Iam says sometimes things may get worse before they get better in treatment. If you are feeling really bad it may be worth discussing with your psychologist if it is a good time to be doing the EMDR at the moment with the amount of stress going on in your life. I am no expert but it may be better to stabilise yourself a little more with a place to live and give you chance to get over your breakup before you attempt any more of this kind of treatment - just something to consider.

From my experience the tiniest amount of stress in my life or things getting out of my normal routine can trigger my PTSD symptoms.

Once again welcome to the forum and hope things get better for you soon.

 

[Jawn]

Welcome to the forum. There are lots of people on here who can relate to what you are going through and there is lots of information for you to read.

Jawn

 

[Inouk]

Dear Changed - IT GETS BETTER. It really does but it takes time. You are at the right place for people who went through the same or something similar as what you lived are on board and speaking out or responding to posts like yours. Hang in there sweet. What I can tell you, and what Anthony has written about or responded to Qs through years, is that it gets better to the point where you feel you have found yourself. The road is bumpy, you need to be ready & commited to make it work because it will not happen the way or as fast as you want. Be cool, good, gentle to yourself while being strong committed and a believer you will get where you want to be. It takes guts and a good -will temper. which you have.

Take care - Inouk.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Hi changed,

I'm new at the treatment thing too and it does feel like you're walking backwards at times. I too felt like I'd lost a lot over PTSD and I did the exact same thing after my 'main event'. I just kept busy. I hit the survival button, which happened to also be labelled 'distract myself, keep busy, distract myself, keep busy'. It was only when I pulled up and stopped that i realised how bad this had got and that it was time for help.

The positive thing I have to say - I was warned that it would get worse before it got better. I'm really grateful I walked in armed with that knowledge. Even knowing that some days (like yesterday - my worst day ever) I question whether it really was a wise idea to start therapy. Because even though under the surface there was a lot of stuff going on - it was like before I started therapy at least the pond looked calm. Now I liken it to having someone stir up the water. SO I'm waiting for the dust to settle. As I say, I knew it would get worse before it got better and that it would be challenging. That's basically the belief I cling to on a really bad day - the belief that it gets worse to feel BETTER. And I suppose you can't hide from something forever. It's really brave to be tackling it head on. I hope it works for you. You're certainly not alone and have a lot of support on the forum.

After my horrendous day yesterday I went to bed at a semi decent hour and had a decent sleep - that helped. Probably an old habit I'd be wise the break. I tend to just keep going and keep going to the point of exhaustion rather than doing everything I can to honour my body and realise when it's time to stop and take a rest. I feel better today for it. I know it's easier said than done when your brain is wide awake. But sleep deprivation is definitely not a healthy contributor.

You're really not alone in this. Coming here helped me realise how many people suffer from it too.

Good luck and best wishes to you.

-Jen

 

[changed]

Thanks everyone for your support.

Shaney- Yes I made my doctor aware I stopped taking the meds, when I finally got my psychologist I told her I was on them before hand and she said the type of med I was given was not great for ptsd anyway. The first med has made me cautious though and its making me want to say no to anymore.

You asked for more information about circumstances; The car crash I was involved in was on a motorway, a car travelling in the opposite direction lost control and smashed through the central reservation and hit my car. When I saw the car coming I made the decision to swerve the car away from the passenger side (where my partner was) because I wanted to keep him safe. In result to that my side of the car (driver side) took full impact, to this day I do not regret my decision to protect him. But after the initial impact he climbed out of the car and left me for dead, when I came round I was screaming for him, I wanted to know he was OK, but he was not there. I know its hard to predict how we would act in these situations but it reminded me later of all the other times I needed him and he wasn't there. I cant help feeling bitter towards him- I chose to take the risk of dying for him, and he didn't even stick around to see if i was alive.

My housing situation is difficult, all these years we shared a flat- but its in his name. Being around him makes me worse so cant stay here much longer. Thanks for the support Shaney.

Thanks for your support Iam.

Thanks for the advice h20.

Thank you Jawn.

Thats good advice Inouk- thanks.

Its encouraging to know im not alone- Thanks SuperJen.

 

[changed]

Mirtazapine??

This is what I have been prescribed. I am really unsure about it! I have searched the net about this med and everyone says it makes you really sleepy!

Sleep is a big problem for me as I sleep a lot! I was always a sleepy person but im on Gabapentin for pain relief which has made me extra sleepy and if I go on Mirtazapine im expecting I will be like a zombie. My concern is that im already in trouble at work for being late all the time and im about to go into my final year at university- I need to be alert.

Does anyone have any experience with this drug?
-Changed

 

[Deleted member 1859]

Mirtazapine does make you sleepy, but was it prescribed knowing the other medication you are on? I take it early in the evening.

 

[Dalager]

Hi and welcome
You should think of the break, it can be the PTSD talking. But you are in the situation you know best
Like so many others say it gets worse before it gets better, that's also my experience, both from my own and from work.