Relationship New And Lost

[Danielle828]

Hi,

Quick background. My husband was deployed in Iraq and Afghanistan, was medically discharged due to a back injury, and we moved back to our home state to be near family/friends (or I think that's the case. He may have moved only because I wanted to be near them, but that's another story.)

My current issue is that my husband will, essentially throw a temper tantrum over things that one would not expect. There's a lot in my life that I've tried to move around, to be supportive. I've begun lying to cover for him (he punched a hole in the wall at my parents while we were house sitting. I said I tripped with a shovel in my hand. The excuse was accepted and forgiven). Yesterday was the fourth time he's screamed/thrown things in front of his 12 year old son. I'm the step mother, we have him every other weekend, and I'm not sure how best to support him, my step son. We're close enough that he has confided in me that he has anxiety issues and pulls out his hair (trichotillomania) and once even pulled me aside after my husband lashed out at me to tell me I did nothing wrong. But, we're not on the level of which we'd say "I love you" (though he will let me tickle him and joke around and such)

Anyway, things have just seem to be going downhill. Today is my husbands bday and he said all he wanted was to stay in the house. No cake, no gifts/wishes, nothing. I said that was fine. I was determined to not set him off today, and I made it 3 hours. He's now locked himself in our bedroom and I am out in the living area with his son. His son is playing minecraft on his computer and here I sit, not sure what, if anything, I can do for my step son. When my husband flips out, it's usually over in 10 minutes and then it's like nothing ever happened (not always, it can last hours at times, but in general) I can't process these things that quickly. His son always turns to his computer and makes like nothing is happening, when the fact of the matter is his father is slamming the keyboard against the coffee table right beside him screaming obscenities to the computer.

My husband refuses to get help, though he has a diagnosis of depression anxiety and PTSD. He won't seek medical help for his back (bottom 3 vertebrae out of alignment) so he is constantly in pain (which I'm sure adds to the mood) and well... any thoughts? I have no idea who to go to as I don't want anyone to think less of him. It's very important to me that everyone think all is copacetic so I'm reaching out here because I'm not sure where else to go.

I myself am in therapy. What he throws outwards I turn inward, and hating oneself for failing another sucks. I now feel like I'm failing not only him, but his son as well.

 

[Justmehere]

It sounds really awful living with him at times. My heart goes out to you. :hug: I'm glad you are reaching ou here for help. That is a huge step to take. I'm glad you have a therapist to work with as well.

Why do you lie to cover up the truth about what is going on? Maybe it's time to break the unspoken code of silence?

Another option is to see if any fellow vets would be willing to reach out to him and help him know he is not alone and the bravest thing he can do is to ask for help.

 

[WillyKat]

I'm sorry your going through all that. Agree with everything @Justmehere said.

But, please be careful with using phrases like "temper tantrum" when you're talking about PTSD. We don't have temper tantrums; children do because they haven't yet learned how to deal with things. People with PTSD, such as most of the people on this forum, get triggered and react in a perfectly normal way given what we're dealing with.

 

[Sweetpea76]

But, please be careful with using phrases like "temper tantrum" when you're talking about PTSD. We don't have temper tantrums; children do because they haven't yet learned how to deal with things. People with PTSD, such as most of the people on this forum, get triggered and react in a perfectly normal way given what we're dealing with.

While it may be insulting to hear it called a "temper tantrum", it is hardly "normal" to scream and swear at loved ones and destroy other people's property. I think the nail was hit on the head with the phrase "children have temper tantrums because they haven't learned to deal with things." If he is reacting like that when he is stressed (not triggered), then it is because he isn't to a point where he has learned to deal with stressors. There may be a reason WHY he is acting like that, sure... but it doesn't mean that behavior is OK. Just because somebody has PTSD it does not give them a free pass to treat people like that.

@Danielle282, has he tried the VA for treatment? Untreated PTSD is rough. Besides that, you're right when you said the physical pain could be exacerbating the situation. My Vet has physical disabilities from his service also, and when his pain is particularly bad, his PTSD symptoms are much worse. Pain is stress.

I have no idea who to go to as I don't want anyone to think less of him. It's very important to me that everyone think all is copacetic so I'm reaching out here because I'm not sure where else to go.

Forget about the people who would think less of him... in fact, **** them right in the ear. He took wounds in the service of his country. If they think less of him for that then they are beneath your contempt. My Vet came home from Iraq a broken man, and there was nothing that could be done to change that. I love every square inch of him. If other people in his life don't think the same then they are the ones who are missing out.

Chin up. It's a long road ahead.

 

[Danielle828]

Thank you all for the support and feedback. I will look into some of the suggestions (VA and such). Last night he made a comment that he's "Always hated the holidays, but never like this" and wouldn't you know, his bday falls in the middle. I hate that he hates not only holidays, but his bday itself, something about that just seems more tragic and bothersome to me. This is his first holiday back home, out of the service, so I suppose I'm not especially surprised, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier, for either of us. There are times he'll comment on his anger and have moments of clarity (which really seem to come down to a great deal of fear) so I don't think it's hopeless by any means, just incredibly hard. Lol, check back with me after New Year's has passed right?

I do want to comment on the "temper tantrum" phrase. When I typed the post, I was concerned about being concise/getting to the point that it didn't really cross my mind how offending it can be (and now I'm thinking "well, duh") I would never want to belittle anything he, or anyone with PTSD, be it war or otherwise, has gone through. I try to be conscientious of these things, and will certainly keep that in mind.

I also understand there are reasons for his anger and even that, when he screams at me, I know (intellectually) that often it has nothing to do with me. I'm still trying to figure out the best way to handle it though. 90% of the time I say the wrong thing (very rarely yell back. I know it only fuels things, but sometimes it hurts so much that I am unable to stop myself) but if I don't reply, he becomes even more angry. If I walk away from the situation, he becomes more angry. I sometimes feel in a catch 22, and I'm still trying to sort out.

Anyway, so much for concise. I really do appreciate having an outlet, and being able to share these things with others who have gone through/are going through similar situations means a lot. I really am grateful this board is here, and hope to one day be able to give help/advice myself (again, once I feel like I have my own feet under me.)

So, in long, thank you.

 

[WillyKat]

Best of luck to you. Dealing with this takes enormous courage. Of course, you know that. It also takes a lot of perseverance.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Last night he made a comment that he's "Always hated the holidays, but never like this" and wouldn't you know, his bday falls in the middle. I hate that he hates not only holidays, but his bday itself, something about that just seems more tragic and bothersome to me. This is his first holiday back home, out of the service

Danielle, the holidays are rough for a lot of combat vets. Besides the obvious stress the holidays cause for everybody when the whole fam-damnily is gathered 'round, some vets could feel unworthy of love and happiness after what they had to do in combat. The holidays are all about love and happiness after all (yippee for everybody else, eh?). Also my vet explained to me that often times insurgents would strike around the holidays to try and catch us off guard. He may vey well have some trauma anniversaries. My vet does, and the holidays are pretty sucky because of it. It seems like every year, end of October to the end of January are really hard on him. While it may be of little comfort, you have now found this forum, and there are a lot of fellow supporters on here who are also a part of the "Holy crap, are the holidays over yet??" Club.

I sometimes feel in a catch 22, and I'm still trying to sort out.

Sometimes it's like walking through a field of rakes blindfolded. You use the wrong word, or have the wrong tone and *bam*, rake to the face. You can never know what may be the wrong thing to say at any given time. You'll make yourself crazy if you blame yourself for "saying the wrong thing" or "doing the wrong thing" all the time. It's not that you are constantly being insensitive. He is just not reacting well to his stress. I mean, you could do something as innocent as toss a box in the recycle bin in the wrong direction, and it will remind him of how a box was laying over an IED in Iraq (that's one on me over here). That is not your fault. It's not his fault, but eventually you will both learn to deal with situations like that. He will learn ways to manage his panic, and learn not to lash out at you for things that are not your fault. You will learn how to not take things so personally, and learn more positive ways to deal with him when he is having an anxiety attack or lashing out.

You can't fix him or help him until he gets the treatment that he needs. You can help yourself though. If nobody has recommended this book to you yet, I suggest you grab a copy of "The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship: How to Support Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Healthy" by Diane England. It is a great beginning book on being a supporter, and it has sections dealing specifically with combat PTSD.

Also check out the Stress Cup thread on here. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/ My vet said he has never seen a more accurate description of PTSD than this.

There is a large supporter section on here, and several supporters have been in long term relationships with their sufferers and found ways to make it work. There are also many of us on here supporting combat vets. Come on in and make yourself at home.

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hello Danielle -

Wow - A lot of what you are going through is what I went through with my father who had PTSD from WWII.

I wish I knew then what I know now about PTSD. I would have been able to have so much more compassion for him because of the fact that he was in an endless loop of simply reacting to things and his life was out of control.

And I would have had more compassion for myself because I would have learned not to beat myself up for the things that I did that set him off because I did not do them intentionally.

And for my father Christmas was the worst. For some reason he needed it to be perfect in order for him to be happy and if it was not perfect, he would "throw a tantrum". I use that phrase not to cause pain to others here but because his actions at that time so accurately were like a 5 year old who did not get what he wanted - It was a different reaction than the one when he would be triggered to anger by something I or my mother did.

Any way I hope that you and your husband both find what you need to get through this -

Namaste - Laurie

 

[Wastinglight]

when his pain is particularly bad, his PTSD symptoms are much worse. Pain is stress.

Agreed. My ex had PTSD and chronic pain from a severe, unstable back injury. He would frequently just snap at me over totally inconsequential things. We eventually worked out that many of his nastier moods coincided with times that he had forgotten to take his pain meds (although he was a real piece of work even before the PTSD/injury - hence why he's the ex). Seems like an obvious thing but neither of us made the connection for a long while.

 

[Wastinglight]

What he throws outwards I turn inward

Oh, and please please please don't internalise this sh*t. Don't do it to yourself. The consequences could be much more far reaching than you might imagine.

I did considerable damage to myself doing exactly that in my last relationship, and even after many years of therapy, I am still struggling, and I'm now having considerable difficulty trying to stop my unhealthy habits and beliefs from causing problems in my current relationship.

I understand the lying to cover up what he does - I did that too - but covering it up will only serve to make you feel more isolated.

I'm glad you have a therapist. You will need all the support you can get on this journey.

Your stepson sounds like an incredible kid. I hope you are able to support each other during tough times.

You sound like a wonderful person for supporting him like this. Hugs if you need them.

 

[LizardViolet]

I get the catch-22 situation when he is stressed out and reacting with anger. It is NOT your fault. However, if the two of you are going to make it, the two of you together will have to figure out how to cope. You will have to communicate during a time that he's not stressed. Don't blame him, don't criticize him, but use "I" messages - there's plenty about them on the internets but essentially you communicate about what YOU feel in difficult situations. "When you get upset, I feel afraid and frustrated and don't know what to do. I feel helpless because it seems like whatever I do adds to your stress." Keep the conversation brief and goal oriented. Don't put him on the spot. Be positive or neutral, don't yell. Offer some solutions. "It's upsetting to me when you yell at me. Next time it happens, I'm letting you know that I need to walk away. It doesn't mean that I don't care about you. It just means that I need a break. Would that be a good time for you to go out and take a walk? Would that be a good time for you to punch the punching bag? Have you considered sitting in the car with the windows rolled up and yelling in there?"

It's a tough situation if he is not interested in getting help. I can tell you that being in pain and suffering from PTSD can bring with it a sense of hopelessness and effective paralysis. When the holidays are over and he is less stressed, you might consider having a conversation about that. "I see you suffering and it really hurts. There are things that could help you feel better, help your back and help your head. I'm going to look into some of them. Can I tell you what I find out? Can I make an appointment for you with the back doctor / with the VA?' I understand that his reaction may be hostility. You've got to pick the right moment.

I've been with my bf for six years and it's only recently that he's said the word "therapy" without being dismissive or negative. I've told him many times that I'd make the appointment and take him the moment he says OK. That moment may never come, but it feels like it's been getting closer and more possible as time has passed.