New And Scared

[angelheart]

Greetings,

New here and recently diagnosed as having complex ptsd from cumulative events over the past 25 years. I've always been one to tough it out and had the ability to bounce back and keep going in the face of adversity. Recent events had me hit boiling point (so to speak) and then rock bottom which caused me to seek help. I am finding that receiving the official diagnosis...is tough to swallow. I feel like I should be able to pick up and move on, like I have in the past, but I can't. It's almost as though my logical mind is telling me to carry on...life is too short...but my body and soul won't allow me to. Did anyone else have a difficult time with the initial diagnosis? Wanting to run from it?

 

[intothelight]

Hi Angelheart,

Welcome to the forum. It is extremely frightening when one finds themselves unable to cope with the things that they use to. You took a major first step in seeking help and getting a diagnosis.

For me, the diagnosis of PTSD was mixed as I now had a name of what was wrong, but I didn't have a clue as to what it meant. I am not sure who gave you your diagnosis, but Complex PTSD has not recognized as an official diagnosis under the DSMIV and is referred to on this site as complex trauma. You might want to check into this for more information. I know I wanted to run, but learning more about PTSD really helped me to understand what was happening.

This site has great article and the support from members is fantastic.

Take care.
Debbie

 

[mohsen]

Don't bother about labels. At least you understand what's wrong with your head, you should be happy, because the CPTSD is kept you in chains, until now it wasn't obvious, and you were consumed with it. Now it's time for you to break the chains. And with this you'll find it's much easier to carry on and taking bigger steps. Running from it, just make you more tired.

 

[Kintsugi]

Hi, angelheart. Welcome to the forum.

For me, diagnosis is about knowing my enemy, as I think it is for all illnesses. You can't fight what you don't know. You took a big first step in receiving a diagnosis and in reaching out for support.

 

[angelheart]

Yes, I think it's partially the label that bothers me. Knowing what I am dealing with does bring a sense of comfort. After reading more about it and understanding what's involved, the days ahead seem so daunting, but I do look forward to brighter days.

Debbie...my mistake the term used in the diagnosis was in fact complex trauma.

Thank-you for the thoughts. Great information here.

 

[Lucycat]

Did anyone else have a difficult time with the initial diagnosis? Wanting to run from it?

Yes I guess that covers very many of us!

But at the same time I was relieved. That there was a name for the feelings and that I was not, quite simply, mad. Cos that;s how I felt.

Much better now though.
Understanding helps so much.

 

[TLight]

I always just thought I was crazy, or the total opposite, that everyone lived this way and I just had to tough it out. I went untreated for many many years.

When I finally came out of denial after being diagnosed almost 6 years prior, I was, well, don't know how to describe it exactly. I was shocked for one, and overwhelmed for another. I realized that I was like a war vet, and that that was a horrible thing. I burst into agonizing tears in the therapist's office. Agonizing to the point I think she almost reached out to hold me, but didn't. Agony, there's no other way to describe it.

But at least then I got onto the business of disabilty, cause I had no one to help me. That was another huge trauma.

Several years later, daily I have to remind myself that there's something physically wrong with me and I have a disability. It is really hard to admit it almost every day. But now I am finally not fighting with it, at least the fact of it. Acceptance.

 

[angelheart]

Maybe I am fighting the acceptance of it. In trying to understand it, I realize that it's a psychological injury and not a psychological illness...and that kinda helps.

 

[Dee Morris]

I'm a little surprised at how many of us have complex trauma. Not entirely surprised, I guess. :( My gut response is that the vulnerability created by the onset of trauma made us a much clearer target for abusers.

 

[mamachick]

It sure does make a good target for abusers. Im trying to learn how not to be-consistently is the issue for me.

 

[angelheart]

I don't know...I've always felt and still believe that most people are good and no one (or very few) want to hurt or abuse.

 

[ragdoll]

I've always been one to tough it out and had the ability to bounce back and keep going in the face of adversity

This I can so relate to. My therapist informed me although this can be a strong point, it can also be a weakness for me. She said it had become a learned behaviour from past traumas. It is how I have protected myself in an avoidance kind of way to keep on going. Always aiming to get things done and blocking out harmful things without knowing what this was doing to me physically and emotionally. A form of disassociation??????

Recent events had me hit boiling point (so to speak) and then rock bottom which caused me to seek help.

Over the years my mind kept getting stronger to "bounce back" but similiar to you, an event sent my mind and body on a downward spiral. My body just crashed. My therapist informs me my body is in constant fight and flight mode. Panic attacks and flashbacks don't help. It tires me and is completely frustrating and depressing all at the same time. I have been learning techniques learned in therapy. Therapy really does help.

Did anyone else have a difficult time with the initial diagnosis? Wanting to run from it?

I have been running. Some days I just stand still and find acceptance easy. Other days are harder.
I was really peeved as it has been 10 months since I "crashed" and couldn't understand why I couldn't be me again. My introduction post was filled with hope and being positive to get past this. I was only fooling myself that PTSD would not simply go away. Time is a factor in recovering. Many days I fall into that trap of depression because some days it is so hard to understand what the diagnosis of PTSD brings.

I now give it time. With rest and taking time out if you can. Yes, it is hard with everday life demands but it really does help. I also think of the good things that have come of this. I no longer push myself to that point of trying to hold it together. I've learnt to be more in tune with me and knowing enough is enough.
There is still a long road to travel - which I wasn't expecting but I have found reading alot of information on this site has really helped me understand PTSD and a bit more of acceptance of what is happening with my mind and body. I will also be trying a process called EMDR in the next few weeks to help with the healing of wounds and mangement of PTSD.

So all in all, a PTSD diagnosis can be daunting but with the information, love and support this forum provides it definitely helps to travel on that road a whole lot easier.

With warmest wishes on your road to managing PTSD xxxxxxx

ps. Apologies Anthony about my reply to angelheart not being replied to correctly. A new laptop and trying to remember the steps in the video tutorial made things a bit difficult.
This is my first ever time replying to a post. I feel quite liberated in a way. Not being so alone!