New Baby Anxiety - Ppd?

[GhostedGirl]

On December 3rd, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I was anticipating the physical strain of sleep deprivation and the sudden change in lifestyle. What I wasn't prepared for was the incredible sense of vulnerability I feel. I have no family except for my mother- who is at the center of my trauma. I wouldn't leave a feral cat in her care- let alone my precious daughter. Her father does what he can, but he works long hours and I feel guilty asking him to take her when I know he's totally exhausted.

I can't stop thinking about her growing up and experiencing the pain I endured as a child. I cry just thinking about the concept of her growing up at all-- I think it's because I only have my traumatic experiences to go by. I don't know what it's like to be a kid.

I think my boyfriend (her father) is afraid i'm developing post-partum depression. That makes me feel awful- totally inadequate. My biggest fear in the world is to be a shitty mom. Like my mom. I could never EVER hurt or neglect my baby. But I'm so tired and scared. I've always coped with relationships by knowing I could severe ties if needed. I've cut so many unhealthy attachments in the past. Having a baby is a permanent attachment. I can't run away from this and I think the permanence of it is really intimidating.

 

[JustBe]

:D first, CONGRATULATIONS! :D

Now, it's natural to feel overwhelmed and scared and inadequate as a new mom. Just your being aware of the dysfunction of your childhood puts you in a better place to be the kind of mom you never had.

Try to give yourself time to adjust. Enjoy every little bit that you can and take things one bit at a time.

I raised my boys on my own and although it was hard and sometimes scary, I have never regretted it.

((((Hugs))))

 

[discarded]

Congratulations on your new baby. Have you spoken to your boyfriend about your concerns? Sometimes just talking it through helps. Do they have baby clinics where you are, where they weigh the baby etc? They are usually well trained nurses who can help a lot with postnatal depression or just talking things through. You have made a great first step by acknowledging your concerns and being aware of them. Try not to stress too much, new mums are good at that.

 

[Bilby]

Magdalen, congratulations on the arrival of your little baby girl :)

I just want to tell you that I have had depression and anxiety my whole life and it certainly worsened considerably after each of my children were born.

As hard as it is, remember that you are new to this - there is no manual on what to do and when and you currently have hormones going absolutely crazy! It is totally normal to feel tired and scared - and also vulnerable. I felt very much that way. If you feel that it is seriously impacting upon your daily life (particularly considering you have PTSD) then I think you should really be talking to someone professionally. In fact, considering that you do have PTSD and this is a life-changing event, I think it would be prudent to do so anyway.

Remember you aren't your Mum - you are your own person with your own set of morals and beliefs. Don't write yourself off yet - your journey as a Mum has only just begun - and by saying that you could never hurt or neglect your child - that is the inner determination speaking, the one you have as a parent to do all that it takes to protect your little ones.

Whilst the relationship may feel intimidating (I don't have PTSD, yet I felt totally inadequate and intimidated by my first born also), these things do pass.

Be very kind to yourself right now, and seek the support you need - there is no shame in that whatsoever.

B x

 

[therapybankrupt]

Congratulations on your bundle of joy!

I remember my first child's birth and I was terrified. I calmed down and decided I would raise the child the way I would want to have been raised. I am sure I was not a perfect Mom. I loved my children and cherished each day I had to be a loving Mom!

There stages of growth were amazing to me. My first is 30 and I look at how fast the time went. It was not nearly as hard and scary as I first thought it would be! Do the best you can and ask for help if you need it. If you feel you have depression ask for help. You can do this and be a wonderful mother.

 

[GhostedGirl]

Thank you everyone! I think I have been wrapped up in the stigma of PPD. When I think of women who suffer from postpartum depression, I think about the news stories you hear of women who kill or neglect their babies. I could never do that. I love her more than anything. All the same, I have called a local counseling resource that specializes in mothers and PPD.

The sleep deprivation is really the hardest part for me. Sleeping has always been a coping mechanism for me, I average a solid 10 hours a night usually. And I feel like I can't cope if I can't sleep. It also takes me forever to fall asleep, so it's really hard for me to take a nap while she's napping. She also refuses to take a pacifier, but feels she needs to be suck on my finger to sleep or calm down. It's incredibly adorable, but it also means I'm attached to her a good portion of the day. I find myself at 5pm, after being up since 3am, having not slept and only eaten once. It's not surprising I'm having panic attacks.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Magdalen,
I don't have children but through contact with others have realised that PPD is very common. And noone I know who has suffered with it has hurt their babies in the way you mention. I think it is maybe the lack of sleep. identity challenges and triggers (for those with troubling pasts) as well as the chemical and hormonal changes and exhaustion.

I am glad you are getting support as you deserve it. I don't think anyone finds new babies easy and in my opinion part of the problem is that people don't speak about how hard it is more. That leaves people feeling there is something wrong when they struggle. It is normal to struggle with something so life changing.

I think for those of us PTSD lack of sleep, nutrition issues etc is just plain dangerous. Good luck and hang in there. :hug:

 

[Bilby]

The first 6 weeks really are a big blur and they'll be gone before you know it - but they really are a time of fairly intense sleep deprivation, learning your babies cries and what they mean - really, a 'getting to know you' phase - for both of you :)

You will find that beyond that period, she will start to have some longer stretches of sleep and this really will help a lot. In the meantime, even if you can't fall asleep, try just lying down all the same - just get the rest. Sometimes that little lie down in the peace and quiet may give you a touch more energy.

In terms of eating, try and make a big batch of casserole or lasagne or something like that up so that you can freeze portions - that way you can take a portion out and zap it in the microwave so you can have a healthy snack. You could pre-make some salads, sandwiches or things like that too. I guess it depends on what you like to eat. If you're breastfeeding you'll need some extra food and fluids too and whilst I didn't breastfeed, I had some friends who used to make platters of food up for themselves - things that they could just grab out of the fridge and eat, whilst breastfeeding!

I'm really glad you've reached out for some counselling - I hope you find it helpful to get that extra support :)

Good luck - and enjoy your first Christmas together. The first of many!

B x

 

[Bilby]

I don't think anyone finds new babies easy and in my opinion part of the problem is that people don't speak about how hard it is more.

Spot on, Abstract ;)

 

[GhostedGirl]

I don't think anyone finds new babies easy and in my opinion part of the problem is that people don't speak about how hard it is more

That is so true! Everyone talks about what a blessing it is, and how exciting. Of course it's those things as well, but it's a HUGE shock to the system as well. People seem to laugh it off like it's no big deal- makes me feel pretty inadequate for struggling like I am. I spoke to my boyfriend and he agrees I'm being too hard on myself. I think I'm putting way too much pressure on myself because I'm so fixated on NOT being like my mom. And one of my mom's biggest failings was her inability to cope with anything. She would always fall to pieces and I would have to be there to pick her up- even as a young child.

The more I struggle--> the more I feel like I'm not coping--> the more I panic about becoming my mom-->makes me struggle more.

There is definitely a vicious cycle at work here. But I know she'll pass through this phase and we'll all be sleeping better in a few weeks.

 

[JustBe]

It sounds like you have a good perspective on things. Hang in there (((hugs)))

 

[Abstract]

Its a conspiracy of silence Magdalene. EVERYONE struggles. It is a like a form of torture from what I can see and the biggest problem is that everyone thinks they should just be joyful.

You are not your mother! :hug: