Sufferer New - Child Sexual Abuse Survivor

[Catlovers141]

Hi everyone,

I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse which took place when I was three or four years old. I am now 23 and a college graduate pursuing a Master's degree in Social Work and working in the mental health field doing outreach. I just began recovering memories a year ago, and it has been very difficult. I often struggle with not believing myself and my memories, and even though there have been a lot of memory pieces that have come through over the past year, there is still so much that I don't know.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Welcome to the forum. I am in the process of recovering memories of child sexual abuse right now. It's horrible. I often don't believe myself and I am almost completely denying that these memories are actually mine. You are definitely not alone in this.

 

[Catlovers141]

Hi @JEKBreatheandBelieve, thanks for the welcome and for empathizing. It is really hard! I often feel like I am subconsciously making up the memories, like that is serving me in some way. I don't think that makes any sense in reality, but the memories can be very hard to believe.

Also, I love the picture of your cat!

 

[I am .....]

Hi @Catlovers141 , I'm sorry you are feeling all this at the moment. I don't really have anything helpful to say, believe me I wish I did. I just wanted to say you're not alone, I'm actually am in a very similar situation. Congratulations on graduating and I admire the work you do. My memories started surfacing 7months ago and I'm still struggling with the continual exposure. I'm interested to what others will reply. Good luck!

 

[Catlovers141]

Hi @I am ..... , Thank you for the reply. I am both glad and sad to hear that you are also struggling with similar feelings. At least we are not alone!

 

[Mary Loreto]

My memories began to come back in my late forties although I had suspicions when I was thirty. They came after the abuser died. I am still getting new memories/flashbacks. Is anyone else an older person who is a beginner?

 

[littlelostchild]

Welcome @Catlovers141 i struggled with believing my memories as well. Let's face it, who wants this stuff to be true, but by the same token, what benefit do we derive from making this sh*t up? I knew I was sexually abused by my dad, but just kept it stuffed down until my breakdown at age 50. That was 2 years ago and the memories started surfacing. I have really been fighting processing them, I think because I blame myself and they extend over almost a decade and involve my father, grandfather and an uncle. The memories come in fragments which also makes it difficult to get a complete picture, but the self blame has been a huge issue for me in allowing the processing to occur.

I know you will find the forum full of supportive folks.

LLC

 

[Chava]

Welcome. I hope the forum is helpful. Are you doing some kind of therapy, too? Memory stuff can be really hard, especially from those early years...I mostly have lots of weird stuff in my body and avoidance of relationships, so it's helpful to try to sort through some of it very slowly in therapy. And this forum seems helpful too. Congrats on working towards your Masters.

@Mary Loreto ...sidenote: I don't think that's uncommon. Memories can surface much later when we are triggered or transitioning in life somehow. For me, I've had to slow down for physical health reasons and that's brought up some weird stuff. I also think much of my pain is related to experiences I can't process well through normal memory mechanisms (too young, too non-verbal, too horrified or isolated at the time, I don't know..). I'm in my late 30s. My pain and panic symptoms are new...I never had these problems before, but probably had a lot of it "contained" in an eating disorder or other semi-disconnected, maladaptive behaviors that had just become habit.