Its currently 2:30 am on a wonderful Thursday morning. I just came back from a friends house where I opened up to him about my PTSD in-depth for the first time. Now I can't sleep even though I have work in a couple of hours (relatable, amirite?).
Here's my real issue:
My coworker opened up to me about dating. I impulsively agreed hoping that if I went out with this person there was a possibility that I wouldn't experience my attacks since they were a different gender. BOY WAS I WRONG LOL
So not only have I been dealing with attacks on and off for three weeks straight for the first time in years, but I consciously knew that I had a crush on someone else (of the opposite gender, which I theorized was a trigger?) but I never acted on it bc I shot him down years ago while I was dealing with the situation thats giving me these triggers as well as telling him more recently that I came out to my parents. I know this can be redeemable, but i dont know if i really want it. I dont know if i really want either of them or if im better off alone.
Some days I just want to isolate myself, but I get SO DISSAPPOINTED IN MYSELF that I'm even thinking about giving it up again to be alone. They're both so wonderful, but I just dont know what to do. I cant listen to my feelings because they're all so deceptive and unstable. One minute, i think i love them, the next i'm avoidant and apathetic, the next im defensive and bothered by it. I'm so nervous about starting a relationship with someone, and there are just some things that I cannot give right now. I need to talk to my coworker about what they want in a relationship to get more clarity, but it feels like its never the right time. I dont want to waste their time (they're older than me, for some reason i feel like thats a lot of pressure) and I dont want to hurt them bc its like i've barely given them a chance.
My coworker and I's conversations outside work have started off really well, but now I can barely manage to send more than two texts a day. Its just so exhausting. I feel like a sh*tty person for not being able to give as much as they have already. There are just so many doubts. So many walls.
My crush is fine. My crush will be fine, unless I open up about this. Then the triggers will start rolling in double time. I'm just so confused..
Is it morally wrong to ask my crush out on a date while talking to my coworker? I feel like I'll be hurting my coworker by doing so, but at the same time my coworker and I aren't dating seriously yet. We're still getting to know each other.
Sorry if this is all over the place. I just need this off my chest, and some input. Thanks for reading.
Here's my real issue:
My coworker opened up to me about dating. I impulsively agreed hoping that if I went out with this person there was a possibility that I wouldn't experience my attacks since they were a different gender. BOY WAS I WRONG LOL
So not only have I been dealing with attacks on and off for three weeks straight for the first time in years, but I consciously knew that I had a crush on someone else (of the opposite gender, which I theorized was a trigger?) but I never acted on it bc I shot him down years ago while I was dealing with the situation thats giving me these triggers as well as telling him more recently that I came out to my parents. I know this can be redeemable, but i dont know if i really want it. I dont know if i really want either of them or if im better off alone.
Some days I just want to isolate myself, but I get SO DISSAPPOINTED IN MYSELF that I'm even thinking about giving it up again to be alone. They're both so wonderful, but I just dont know what to do. I cant listen to my feelings because they're all so deceptive and unstable. One minute, i think i love them, the next i'm avoidant and apathetic, the next im defensive and bothered by it. I'm so nervous about starting a relationship with someone, and there are just some things that I cannot give right now. I need to talk to my coworker about what they want in a relationship to get more clarity, but it feels like its never the right time. I dont want to waste their time (they're older than me, for some reason i feel like thats a lot of pressure) and I dont want to hurt them bc its like i've barely given them a chance.
My coworker and I's conversations outside work have started off really well, but now I can barely manage to send more than two texts a day. Its just so exhausting. I feel like a sh*tty person for not being able to give as much as they have already. There are just so many doubts. So many walls.
My crush is fine. My crush will be fine, unless I open up about this. Then the triggers will start rolling in double time. I'm just so confused..
Is it morally wrong to ask my crush out on a date while talking to my coworker? I feel like I'll be hurting my coworker by doing so, but at the same time my coworker and I aren't dating seriously yet. We're still getting to know each other.
Sorry if this is all over the place. I just need this off my chest, and some input. Thanks for reading.
