New Here - Need Some Answers About Ptsd

[Nico]

Hello,
I'm sure this has been posted in the past, but everyone's story is different and I could use some insight. My boyfriend and I have known each other for almost 20 years (one of my best friends), but last year we started dating and that led to a committed and loving relationship. He is in the military and was diagnosed with PTSD several years ago from a tour in Iraq (although he said it was under control and that it was mild). In the past year together, I never saw any episodes. He's a very loving and affectionate man. He went on his last deployment to the mid east and just returned about a month ago. All was great when he returned (we don't live together), but then I could really feel him pulling away. Texts would go unanswered and one weekend it was like the lights went out. He had never been like this and I was terrified he maybe fell out of love with me. So I called him and he was all panicky on the phone and said, "I can't do this anymore. I don't have any romantic feelings for you and I don't think I could have them for anyone. I don't know what the future will entail and what I can provide." I was devastated. Who was this guy??? I started to talk about a lot of our shared times, the things he's told me about his feelings, etc. And that's when he said, "alright, let's just cool off and take things slowly. I love being with you and we have such an amazing connection." So, I agreed and didn't contact him at all, but sent him in the mail a small gift I had purchased (at that point I wasn't sure when we were going to see each other and it's x-mas). He texted me that day he got it thanking me and updating me on everything he's going through since returning. I replied very warmly and supportive and never heard back. That was 2 weeks ago. So, I figured it was over and he didn't know how to tell me. He never once mentioned that he thought he was having some PTSD issues, so how was I supposed to know? It never crossed my mind, so I wrote him a lengthy email saying it must be really hard to reintegrate into civilian life and that I'm sorry his feelings changed for me, but I still loved him. I said that it seems things are over since you haven't communicated with me and didn't know how to tell me. I said that I wouldn't want things to end, but that I can't go on feeling like I do and the silence hurts.

That was 4 days ago and I haven't heard anything and I had no idea at the time there was maybe PTSD. Now, after researching and talking to a PTSD therapist, I know that is what is happening, but he chooses not to talk to me about it. Should I just leave him alone? I never asked if he was having PTSD problems in the letter because he hadn't talked to me about it. I'm hoping he's ok and that I'll hear from him. I just hope he hasn't had a nervous breakdown, but I don't want to PUSH him if he needs to be alone. He also has 2 little kids to tend after. Please advise because I'm hurt and I just want him back, but I don't want to chase him down.

 

[Sighs]

Not much you can do but sit and wait it out. If/when he gets back to you, you can re-evaluate how you feel about him at that time.

Sorry this has happened to you just before Christmas. Hugs if you accept them!

 

[KwanYingirl]

You are giving caring answers and giving him space he needs to work on learning to feel safe.
I can't describe how deeply ptsd sucks you in. It takes me an average of five days to return to the world.after a bad spell. Isolation is common with ptsders. I guess you'll have to wait it out, and in the meantime you could have fun with friends, pick up a craft, fill your days with calm rewarding yourself for not stopping your own life sitting and waiting for him to text you.

 

[Wastinglight]

Not much you can do but sit and wait it out. If/when he gets back to you, you can re-evaluate how you feel about him at that time.

Yep, that's about the size of it. As another person who has gone through this, I really feel for you, it feels so awful to be in that position. You will find much support and advice on this forum, from people who have been through similar circumstances. Hope it all works out.

 

[Nico]

Thanks guys...it's so hard to be waiting and I am not going to close myself off to the possibility of dating another man...even though that is not at all what I want in my heart. I waited 7 months while he was deployed to now go through this alone and to figure it all out on my own. It feels like the cruelest thing any man has ever done to me and I've never cried so hard in my life. I thought maybe I wasn't saying the right things or not being as supportive as I should have been, but all my close friends say that's not the case. I've known this man almost half my life and he's always been so communicative. It's just so scary...he's never shut me out like this. I'm doing better now that I've learned it's PTSD being triggered, but it's still hard to swallow that he feels he can't talk to me. The therapist said returning vets with this illness either push out their loved one or cling to them too much. Tomorrow marks 2 weeks since he's talked to me. He's going to visit his family over the holidays, so maybe that will do him so good.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It's a kick in the gut sometimes.

When you go through your first isolation period as a supporter, you are NOT going to know how to react or handle it. For all we knew everything was going well, then all of the sudden *bam* they are gone. You feel hurt, rejected, ignored, and thrown away. You may be worried sick if they disappeared off the face of the Earth. Then general confusion... am I dumped? WTF just happened? What do I do here?

Of course you are going to have a bad reaction. It is normal to react badly when you don't understand the nature of PTSD. If you had a healthy partner that treated you like that, it would be pretty cruel and inconsiderate. However, isolation is pretty common with PTSD sufferers. They aren't trying to be cruel, they are just trying to survive. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how they cope. It's a hard lesson to learn, and going through a partner's isolation period is pretty sucky even at the best of times.

It does get better though. If you continue your relationship with him, you can find ways to deal with isolation periods. Communication is key. It is possible to have a healthy long term relationship with a sufferer.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Maybe this is just me, but if the person I was seeing had the same attitude, that they would be open to seeing someone new when I was going through a bad episode, well, I would know that they were not the one for me.

It hasn't been that long, the guy JUST got back from deployment, and you're already talking about seeing new guys? I'd say you're not cut out to be a supporter if your mind is already going to "I'm not going to close myself off to the possibility of dating another man". Why do I say this? Because part of being a supporter means that you are able to handle the shutdowns in such a way that you're not sitting there saying things about jumping ship and going out to be with new guys(or women). Yes, you should have your own life, but I see your attitude to be a bit cruel. If he were going through chemo treatments, would you be open to seeing a new guy? I didn't think so.

 

[Nico]

Hi @Solara thank you for your words. My mind has been all over the place and I really have no interest in dating other men. The thing I was trying to explain is that he never came out and told me he was having PTSD issues. So, I literally took all this as a break up. I am going through this alone and I sometimes don't know what to think. Of course I'll wait for him and I told him I didn't want to end things. I'm just airing out my scattered head. I have had men disappear on me before, so I couldn't help but have thought he was leaving me. It's hard to put out the whole story on a forum. And please understand I am new to this and came on here to try to educate myself more about PTSD. After reading several stories, I had no idea how crippling it can be. I just wish he talked to me about it, so I could be of some help.

@Sweetpea76 thank you. You really helped with your empathy.

 

[Nam]

Just let him know that you'll be there. When he's ready. Don't push. That is all you can do. It's a bit of a lonely process no matter how many friends surround you. But once he's made his way through, he might be able to talk to you. It's up to you how you want to go about it. PTSD isn't always this intense. It can get better. It's just a big learning curve at first. He's learning how to deal with it and you are learning how to be a good supporter. ((Hugs))

 

[Lucycat]

Hi and welcome.
We are all different, but don't accept PTSD as an excuse for anything.
I wish you well.
Regards
Lucy x

 

[Nico]

I'm really hurt again. I still haven't heard a word, didn't get a Merry Christmas, yet he's on facebook posting things. I just don't get it. It's been 4 weeks since I've been shut out and I can't help but now think that he did end things with me and can't discuss it. Like you said @Lucycat , I agree that all bad behavior can't be blamed on ptsd and this is where I am struggling right now. Do I accept he can't talk to me about his problems and move on or do I try one more time to say something? It's a little hard to not share the fact that I feel angry.

 

[Tanishq]

Nico, sorry to hear that you are hurting so much right now. If he has moved on from you, at least he needs to talk about it. No one likes to be left without reasoning.

Posting on Facebook, but not talking to you does make you wonder. No doubt about it. It's not nice. I understand your anger.