New layer of myself in awareness after clearing shame

[HealingMama]

Hello. Long time no see. I'm trying to get back into therapy without disrupting my adult functional life too much. In the meantime I really need some support and this community is full of wisdom.

So a couple of weeks ago my partner was very supportive as I processed, felt and released a big wall of shame. This is good, because it has a consequence of allowing me to be more present in my personal life.

Apparently this also means that I've agreed to become conscious of a new part??? I don't ever fully dissociate where I'm unconscious then suddenly not again, but I think I might have one Apparently Normal Part with some emotional parts that can get triggered.

Basically I'm aware of a new layer to my experience where there is a felt sense of severe anxiety and panic. It's intelligent enough to "turn off" as soon as I need to operate like a functional adult (work roles, parenting etc) but when I'm alone or with my husband after our child is asleep it is VERY INTENSE.

I'm trying to figure out what this is and how to work with it. I know EMDR and have done some on myself (not safe to do, not recommending it) but this feels like a piece of my story that I need to be conscious of rather than a rogue memory or emotional flashback to digest away. Does that make sense?

Anyone got any idea what I'm describing or what has worked for you in similar scenarios? Thanks.

 

[EveHarrington]

Do you feel your age when this happens, or do you feel younger?

 

[HealingMama]

Do you feel your age when this happens, or do you feel younger?

I feel my age but I'm holding or witnessing a younger part of me. I don't totally become a younger self, but that's happened at other times.

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m not sure I experience the same thing, as I definitely feel younger. I can pull out of it as needed, when I must be “adult” as required. My therapist says it’s part of the trapped trauma?

 

[HealingMama]

I have those experiences too. This particular situation I'm current me sharing internal space with a terrified panicky aspect of younger me that seems to respond well to being directly addressed.

 

[Wendell_R]

Yes, I have co-consciousness with other parts of my personality. Someone here described it as sitting in the back seat while someone else is driving. Therapy has been very useful for me in dealing with these parts, and I've done it without too much disruption of my working/home life. If you can directly address your younger self, that's a great step forward!

I often have the experience of turning off the part when I need to act like an adult, and I agree this is all really intense!

 

[HealingMama]

Yes, I have co-consciousness with other parts of my personality. Someone here described it as sitting in the back seat while someone else is driving. Therapy has been very useful for me in dealing with these parts, and I've done it without too much disruption of my working/home life. If you can directly address your younger self, that's a great step forward!

I often have the experience of turning off the part when I need to act like an adult, and I agree this is all really intense!

Thank you for replying. So I've sometimes wondered if this was co-consciousness but from what I have read that is usually hearing voices of different parts. For me it's slivers of emotion, different textures of experience, with an occasional feeling of disorientation but nothing in my head if that makes sense. Do you hear your parts?

 

[Wendell_R]

I don't "hear voices" so much as my emotional experience changes. I spent much of my life trying to control & suppress these voices. After giving them a safe haven to express themselves, my experience is much the same, but maybe a little heightened. My whole outlook and sense of self can change in 20 seconds when I switch. It's intense when I go from a part that's happy to one that needs to cry--my emotions can switch really quickly with the personalities. I've experienced disorientation when a part has surfaced for the first time in my therapist's office, and everything there seems "new". Or Little Wendell looking at something we're wearing and feeling like someone else chose the clothes today.

When I was younger, I would experience intrusions as stomach aches, panic, and other PTSD symptoms. With time, the "intrusions" seemed to be more than emotions and a lot more like different personalities. I don't hear voices in a physical sense--I am either experiencing life as a different part, or I'm aware of their thoughts and emotions without hearing a voice. The awareness of their emotion can be really intense when I am Big Wendell, but I can sense another part who is upset "right there".

Thinking about it, there's much more to it than just voices. It can be a full-body experience for me.

 

[HealingMama]

I don't "hear voices" so much as my emotional experience changes. I spent much of my life trying to control & suppress these voices. After giving them a safe haven to express themselves, my experience is much the same, but maybe a little heightened. My whole outlook and sense of self can change in 20 seconds when I switch. It's intense when I go from a part that's happy to one that needs to cry--my emotions can switch really quickly with the personalities. I've experienced disorientation when a part has surfaced for the first time in my therapist's office, and everything there seems "new". Or Little Wendell looking at something we're wearing and feeling like someone else chose the clothes today.

When I was younger, I would experience intrusions as stomach aches, panic, and other PTSD symptoms. With time, the "intrusions" seemed to be more than emotions and a lot more like different personalities. I don't hear voices in a physical sense--I am either experiencing life as a different part, or I'm aware of their thoughts and emotions without hearing a voice. The awareness of their emotion can be really intense when I am Big Wendell, but I can sense another part who is upset "right there".

Thinking about it, there's much more to it than just voices. It can be a full-body experience for me.

Thank you. That sounds a lot like my experience. So to be clear are you diagnosed with DID, DDNOS, etc or does your therapist use internal family systems as a model and that's more where you're coming from?

I struggle with accepting that my experiences were "bad enough" to shatter me this way.

 

[Wendell_R]

From a diagnosis point of view, my therapists haven't seen the need to officially diagnose me with anything other than PTSD, because my treatment is going to be the same independent of diagnosis. On the other hand, my trauma therapist freely tells me that I (we) function as a "system" just like someone with DID. It's not internal family systems in my case--some of my parts are complex personalities with a range of emotions, and that doesn't seem to fit IFS.

Is it just a "model"? I know that I spent years trying other therapy with limited success, and that real healing has come only after embracing my parts. I accept that all my parts are part of one whole. It's possible that the parts are a kind of shortcut for accessing different parts of my personality.

Horrible experiences are not the only thing that can shatter one. My mom was very emotionally distant. I suspect that even though my day-to-day needs were met, that distance all by itself was a huge stress to me when I was very young.

 

[HealingInProcess]

I have become somewhat aware of parts but they're hard to access. I find affirmations helps to coax them out like saying I love myself and I want to understand myself.

 

[Wendell_R]

I have become somewhat aware of parts but they're hard to access.

That seems to be very common. I have a journal book where I put in collages and drawings, and that non-verbal sense of place has helped, along with affirmations from me and from my therapist. Many of my parts have a "room" in my journal. The first time Little Wendell had a room, he was afraid of being found and hit. We put in a door just like the train platform in Harry Potter--only a few people could see it! And we had a very short list of people who were allowed to come into the room. It's curious for me to remember that, since now he is very comfortable being out and about with people. I guess he has come a long way!