New Marriage With Trust Issues...

[mnt10barbie]

I'm completely new here and need some advice, so here I go (I hope someone can shed some light)....

I was in a relationship for 4 years, extremely abusive (gun held to head, treated as an object, not allowed to go anywhere, if I didn't answer phone when he called I was up to no good, not allowed to wear a bathing suit or swim, doors broken to get to me, verbal, mental and physical abuse). So, I finally escaped, went to work and met my current husband (who is wonderful). We will be celebrating our 1 yr anniversary on Sept 13! He has taken me away from my old life and has shown me unbelievable things - we have 2 home - spend winters in Colorado, he has taught me to ski and has taken me other places that I never dreamed of! He's very loving but also very tough... He is younger than me, he is 31 and I'm 44... He is very nice looking (body builder) and I'm quite pretty as well, we make a beautiful couple (I don't look my age at all)... My problem is trust!!!

He is Moroccan and definately gets the ladies attention... When we go out 9 times out of 10 a woman will hit on him and him being a friendly person will talk to her and I flip out (even if they are not attractive!!!!). He tells me all the time I'm beautiful and other girls are jealous and try to start and my insecurities are a complete turn-off (to the point where he doesn't want to be intimate), now.... I'm use to the ex and most men who see me. That's all they think about so in turn I'm thinking my husband isn't attracted to me and it makes me more insecure!

Does this make sense to anyone?? He know my past in detail, I know his past in detail, we talk about everything under the sun (I've never talked to anyone like I do him). He said I am gorgeous, have a beautiful body, I'm beautiful to look at and have the biggest heart he has ever seen but I need to get past the past and trust him then the intimacy will come. In the beginning it was constant but then he said he fell in love with me and wants it to be different. I accuse him of cheating all the time because I feel if we aren't being together he has to be getting it somewhere else. I recently started taking Cymbalta and I can see a huge change in my life!!! When I think back all I see is darkness so I'm pretty confident the depression was worse than I thought and I admit and see it now...

Is there anyone who can give me any advice on how to change this attitude, if this is a normal reaction for a guy and if it will ever go away? I want so much to live my life, happy, trusting and loving till death do us part! Any comments would be so greatly appreciated! Thank you!!!!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Do you mean is it normal for guys to be turned off when their significant other accuses them of constantly cheating? Uhm, YES! Turn it around. If he accused you of sleeping around 24/7, would you want to be intimate with him? No, you wouldn't.

In my experience, things just don't "go away". You've got to work on changing your mindset. Have you tried CBT (cognitive behavior therapy)? Have you been able to process your past trauma?

 

[mnt10barbie]

Not yet but I've finally accepted the fact that the problem is with me. Trying so hard to put the past in the past and I think I've made progress, going to therapist next week. Very hard to see the world and what it has to offer after the craziness, my main concern is getting over trust issues and living life and being happy.

Thanks for comment (so you don't think he is cheating even if he doesn't want intimacy? Could it be a true sign of love for me and wanting the best?) Thank you, let me know what you think.

 

[CrazyHorse]

I can not jugde if he is cheating or not, but from reading your post I was thinking: don't be so hard on yourself!

If it were me, my trust issues would spiral out of control if my partner would withdraw intimacy from our relationship because of them! I can not tell either if his reaction is 'normal', but I do think your reaction is!

In the beginning it was constant but then he said he fell in love with me and wants it to be different.

What do you mean by this?

I wish you the best.

 

[mnt10barbie]

In the beginning we were together a lot, I guess I can't call it intimate because we weren't in love. I swore when I met him I would not fall in love with him. After spending all of our time together, it just happened, we fell in love. I opened up more and more to him and he learned about the abusive past.

He explained some issues he had with me that I did not know about and explained its just not sex anymore, it means more to him and he needs me to get through all of this and be back to myself, which believe it or not, is who he fell in love with. It all changed after we got married. That's when all my jealousy started. When I truly loved him.

When I get mad I become horrible, I say mean things to him, accuse him, it's terrible. I become a different person.

I think it is very important to mention that I have a 12 yr old daughter who lives with us and I am fortunate enough to be able to stay home full time and take care of her. My husband pays for everything and has paid for therapy, medications and has invested a lot in me. He has supported me, at times he has gotten pretty angry but we talk it out. He promised me he will never quit on me and realizes we have a few things to work out but he promises we will get there.

So Crazyhorse... with that said, I welcome any and all opinions.

 

[mnt10barbie]

And Crazyhorse, I believe you understand my feelings. I feel I need the intimacy from my husband because I love him and want to feel the closeness, love and security. I think it says a lot for him being that the abuser forced sex. I truly want to feel loved by him, I want to feel that feeling of safety when your behind closed doors with the man you love.

I felt it before and it was great and I want to believe it still exists inside of me regardless of the past.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

When I get mad I become horrible, I say mean things to him, accuse him, it's terrible.

I am fortunate enough to be able to stay home full time and take care of her. My husband pays for everything

Have you talked to a therapist about your anger?

I am also fortunate that my husband pays for everything though it can bring friction too. Can that be a cause of anger from you?

 

[mnt10barbie]

Starting next week! It kinda reminds me of control but I think I tend to think too much! Do you think that could make me mad and I'm not seeing it???

 

[mnt10barbie]

I meant kinda reminds me of control and do you think that could make me mad? LOL... I didn't have my contacts in when I answered... I tend to do that while texting and it becomes a disaster!! : )