Sufferer New Member Seeking Advice About Handling CSA Memories

[Tura]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and am looking to see if I can sort of deal with some of my fears by talking to other people who have been through similar events. I'm a 21-year-old student, living in Canada. In the last year, I started getting some memories back from my childhood and I've been having a very difficult time dealing with them. I still feel kinda scared writing about it on here, but I mean it's anonymous so I guess it doesn't matter. I have learned that I was being sexually abused for about 8 years from ages 5 to 13. It all still feels like I brought it on myself or that I somehow hurt the abusers. Is that normal?

 

[blackemerald1]

Welcome to the forum @Tura though I see you have already posted in some other places here. :)

How have you started remembering?

This is an anonymous forum but even though your privacy is respected - it is still the internet.

Have you been diagnosed with ptsd or seen a therapist to date?

It all still feels like I brought it on myself or that I somehow hurt the abusers. Is that normal?

^^I'm sure others here will join me in letting you know that the thoughts you are having about being at fault etc., are very typical of a abuse and doesn't just apply to csa.

No.. you are not responsible for adult behaviour you endured as a child. No, no amount of imagined or real harm that you could have done to an adult, justifies abuse.

 

[Tura]

Hey blackemerald1, thank you for the response.
It's like back in October last year a long series of events lead to a guy who was a friend of mine, briefly mentioning something that happened when we were kids, and it was how it was brought up that made me feel as though I can't shove it away anymore. It feels really weird to explain, because I say I'm remembering these memories but I guess it's more like I'm no longer actively repressing these memories, and now as they come up I remember finer details.

I first tried seeing a therapist online, and she was saying that ptsd seems likely, but I couldn't keep seeing her after she told me that because I was so young I had to have given consent. So I started seeing a therapist in person once a week and still do. This second therapist has been incredibly helpful. I mean I used to firmly believe that I deserved pain because of what I was remembering, but she helped explain to me how that isn't the case. Though I admit it's still hard to remember sometimes. She encouraged me to see a psychologist about whether a diagnosis of ptsd makes sense. So with my insurance I could only afford one session with a psychologist, and she ended up saying specifically that I have, "all of the symptoms of ptsd" and that she was only uncertain about diagnosing me with it because I was refusing to give her specific details about the traumatic events, despite having just met her. So it seems like I have ptsd, and until I can afford another session that's good enough for me.

This might seem like a weird question but have you heard of COCSA?

 

[blackemerald1]

What does COCSA mean? In real words - sorry lol...

 

[Chris-duck]

I brought it on myself or that I somehow hurt the abusers. Is that normal?

I think it's totally normal to feel like that. Like I think that, like @blackemerald1 said, it happens to most people following any type of abuse, a way for the brain to rationalise it away as not-really-mattering-anyway.

she told me that because I was so young I had to have given consent

That is so backwards and so wrong that I don't really know where to start. Like kids can't give consent. Never mind being a kid being automatic consent, like what the hell.

have you heard of COCSA?

Yeah. And it complicates a bunch of things for people sometimes. But it doesn't take anything away from it.

I really don't know Canada's healthcare system, but are there places you can get therapy outside of traditional see-your-GP referrals? Crisis centres, charities etc. Sometimes they can give free therapy/low cost, worth looking into.

And welcome to the forum! Hope something helps ya here.

What does COCSA mean?

Child on child sexual abuse

 

[Still Standing]

I am assuming it stands for “child on child sexual abuse”. There are some on this site who can relate to this. Is this what you were asking about?

 

[blackemerald1]

Ah.. thank you @Chris-duck :)

long series of events lead to a guy who was a friend of mine, briefly mentioning something that happened when we were kids, and it was how it was brought up that made me feel as though I can't shove it away anymore.

^^Is this guy the guy? Is this why it has come to the fore now? You don't have to answer if it is too intrusive...

 

[Tura]

Thank you Chris-duck, I think it might have been a miscommunication, I mean maybe she misunderstood what I was telling her, I really don't know.

Yeah, I'm referring to child on child sexual abuse. To be honest I still expect people to laugh at me or dismiss what I'm saying if they learn that the abuser wasn't an adult.

I honestly don't know how involved that guy is with what happened like I've been able to identify 3 people who hurt me back then, and I don't think he was one of them.

Also to answer your question Chris-duck I was almost able to see a psychiatrist in a way that was covered under my insurance after my self-harm was bad enough to warrant a trip to the hospital in a police car, though unfortunately, they wouldn't give me an appointment. And honestly, even if I did get one it would apparently have been a year or more away.

 

[blackemerald1]

If you are in a place that has more than one psychiatrist I'd suggest you might want to start looking. I'm certain now that you are beginning to find the symptoms so distressing and thought's emerging that this would be a good thing to start working on.

If your insurance will pay for one... they may pay for another? Alternatively are there are sexual abuse counselling services that are free in your area. Or, there may be some programs within a public hospital setting.

 

[Tura]

Thank you blackemerald1, I think I'll look into that soon. I know my therapist has been great, but I really just want an official diagnosis so I can use any support services offered by my university if I need to.

 

[Invisible Fire]

@Tura welcome to this site. I think it is wonderful you are addressing things at such a young age. COCSA is traumatic. The feelings and the thoughts as a child no matter if the abuser was young or old is the same. We would not dismiss abuse if it was a 30 year old abused by a 30 year old. The shame and blame associated with CSA is very real and the ability of a child to process is basically impossible. I do not share my story but was abused on several levels as a child. I suffered for over 30 years before I asked for help, or even admitted I needed help. I respect you for working on you.

 

[Friday]

Yeah, I'm referring to child on child sexual abuse. To be honest I still expect people to laugh at me or dismiss what I'm saying if they learn that the abuser wasn't an adult.

It’s like the difference between a fender bender -no big deal, no harm done, happens to almost everyone- and a 10 car pileup with multiple fatalities.

Most people experiment sexually as children. That’s the fender bender. No big deal.
Fewer people experience COCSA. That’s the 10 car multiple fatality. HUGE deal.

Anyone who blows you off? Is thinking fender bender. Which is NOT the multiple fatality collision you’re talking about. They’re 2 vastly different things, even if they both fall under car accident or children. Their misunderstanding? Because they’re thinking of their own history? Doesn’t go back in time and change your history to bumper cars.