New Nightmares About Dead Father

[samson]

I didn't want to highjack an existing thread about this, so I started a new one. I have been in emdr therapy for almost 2 years now and we have reached the phase of installing positive cognitions to replace the negative ones in the trauma memories.

My father passed away in 2002 and I miss him alot. He was the only person that I feel like every really loved me in a way I need to be loved. My mother was abusive and always took "care" of me, but I never felt like she loved me. Memories of my father usually come up in each emdr session as a way of comfort but then it shifts to grief because I miss him so much. I have dreamed about my father before - but he was alive in these dreams. It was always a bit distressing just because I know he is dead and it's weird to see him alive in a dream. The other night I dreamed there was a row of coffins and I could hear my dad calling me from one of them. He was hurting. I opened the coffins one at a time and finally found him. He sat up in the coffin and was decomposed and he was still yelling and asking me to help him. I woke up and never really went back to sleep.

Anyone have anything like that?

 

[franciemarnie]

Yes, almost exactly. After my mother died of cancer and I was going thru the grieving stages, I dreamt of her in her coffin every night and I was to somehow take care of her. It was terrifying and I was afraid to sleep. That was 30 years ago.

The T I had then did not come up with any interpretation that resonated. Because I stopped having those dreams within the year, I associated it with the grieving process and the trauma of her death. I wonder if it is related for you with the grieving process and will leave in time. It is a trauma sometimes for your parent to die. Such awful dreams though. I sure hope they go away soon!

 

[CrazyHorse]

Yes, I have dreams like this too. My father passed in febuary, from cancer, and I took care of him till the end. I sometimes dream that he is alive, but decomposing, and somewhat passive like he has had a lobotomy or something. I have good dreams about him too though..

 

[gone]

Me too. I'm guessing your dreams now are related to the work you're doing in therapy. Have you told your T about the dream? Sometimes they can interpret.

I found over time (my father died in 2003, I attended his death, it was good, but also undeniably traumatic for me) my dreams of him changed: from being old and sick, to being younger and healthy, to being dead. The processing happens on so many levels and the dream processing moves along its own timeline.

My complete amateur psychobabble analysis: Maybe your long process of grieving is now dying/decomposing (healing)?

 

[samson]

Thank you all for your responses. Always helps me to know I'm not the only one. I have not seen my T since the dream but I will tell him for sure. He loves dreams. :) It was disturbing for me because I was doing really well with the PTSD. No symptoms for about 3 weeks until that dream. My anxiety is back up and I'm a little disconnected.

 

[arfie]

I call my dreams like this, "sequence dreams." I believe they are part of my healing process. They often provoke renewed symptoms for me, but I accept that as part of the process, as well. I believe healing happens in phases and stages.

Hope you find what it is for you, Samson. The dreamer holds the truest interpretation.

 

[samson]

Saw my T today. My anxiety continued to build this week and I was feeling very emotionally disconnected. We didn't jump right in to emdr, we talked for a bit about the dream and what I thought it might be connected to. My father passed away in a nursing home in the middle of the night by himself. When we got there they hadn't done anything to him so his eyes and mouth were open. I stood outside the room. Didn't really want to look at him. My sister insisted I should. That image has been burned in my brain and this dream most reminded me of that.

We started emdr with that image and those emotions. They were the same feelings I had in the dream. As we began to process I realized I was so sad that he had to die alone. We made my mom leave the nursing home that night. It was only his 3rd night in there and she had stayed all three of those nights. We encouraged her that she needed to get some rest and get into a routine. He died that night. My dad was very much a people person and I remember when I saw him in the bed he looked so scared. As usual, we didn't talk about any of this sort of emotion in my family. Once he died we went into "task" mode. Had to plan the funeral, etc.

As we were discussing how I felt disconnected this week. I mentioned to him how at our office Christmas party I was watching everyone have fun but wasn't feeling any of it myself. He suggested that I had put the wall up because the emotions were very frightening. He encouraged me to remember how quickly we worked through this. I have learned how to work through these nightmares and flashbacks, but I had been feeling so good I was afraid that if I tried it I would be depressed. The thing that actually causes the depression is ignoring the emotions that need to be processed out.

Just wanted to follow up on this thread. Thanks for listening.

 

[arfie]

Great update, Samson. Thank you. You inspire me.

 

[franciemarnie]

I like what you said that ignoring the emotions causes the depression. I think of depression as a pressing down. For me particularly I was pushing down anger.

I am sorry you had to see your dad with a frightening and/or sad facial position or expression. He - his spirit - had left his body but it is still such a scary thing to see, especially when it's someone we're so close to. It can be traumatic - no doubt.