chaoticwings
New Here
I was in an abusive relationship that lasted for a year and ended violently in February. It was mental, emotional, and verbal abuse. It followed the typical abusive cycle which I can clearly see now. When it became physical one Saturday night I dissociated the event but woke up with nasty bruises and bits and pieces floating in my head of what had actually happened. I ran away on my birthday 5 days later and luckily, even though the system here failed me completely (denied my restraining order, cops took pics but wouldn't do anything) they ended up leaving by the end of the week.
It wasn't until after I returned to my complex to sign off that they had released themselves from the lease, then stayed overnight with my best friend until my brother arrived from out of town the following day that I remembered anything.
It cracked over my head like egg, as have all the blocked out amnesiac memories. I am not new to trauma or dissociation. I've had events since age 4.
Now I have wonderful, stable, loving roommates. They are couple friends I have known for about 2 years, older and wiser than I, married and employed. They know about my disassociation and PTSD. They also know I have an internal network, a system. There is a heirarchy as follows: Aspects, Archetypes, Guardians, and Fragments.
Two nights ago my inner child, age 4, decided she wanted to come out and see the new house (I had moved in at the end of January) because the others wouldn't let her until it was "safe". Luckily she just stayed in my room and colored with crayolas. She doesn't know them and is curious about the house since its new.
I could do nothing except watch her color and hum to herself while I tried to get back up front but access was denied. Once she finished her drawing she went back in. I talked to my roommates the next day, warned them about what was happening. I haven't had an episode like that in a while but I've also been neglecting my inner child too.
My roommates and I had open discussion about DID, depression, anxiety, PTSD, and other things that ail us before we agreed to live together so it wasn't a shock for them to hear about it.
There's darker parts of myself that I'm afraid of and I don't want them to see. I can feel them wanting to come out and break through. Its keeper is tired and she can't stay bound forever but I feel like I've lost everyone else who's seen the crazy.
This feels similar to what happened to me when I got my first apartment at 18 and was finally in a safe space. I had an emotional breakdown within a month and had to start therapy or live in madness.
I feel.. exhausted, like I've been through so much this year already. I have to face the dark sides because it holds the truth and answers to not just understanding and dissecting my horrible last relationship, but the hidden things from years past. Except it became its own entity as a way for me to cope. And I have to embrace it.. and there's more than one of it, the darker selves. And they frighten me.
As an Aspect called "Truth" said once in reference to me, "One of us had to grow up."
(I am 24, was in talk therapy for approximately 6 years, officially diagnosed last year with Bipolar, PTSD and everything that goes with it [anxiety, ect.] and have been on maintenance psych meds to stabilize it for the past year, though they are starting to feel ineffective. I have not been diagnosed with DID at this time though I have shared information about my network with my psychiatrist.)
It wasn't until after I returned to my complex to sign off that they had released themselves from the lease, then stayed overnight with my best friend until my brother arrived from out of town the following day that I remembered anything.
It cracked over my head like egg, as have all the blocked out amnesiac memories. I am not new to trauma or dissociation. I've had events since age 4.
Now I have wonderful, stable, loving roommates. They are couple friends I have known for about 2 years, older and wiser than I, married and employed. They know about my disassociation and PTSD. They also know I have an internal network, a system. There is a heirarchy as follows: Aspects, Archetypes, Guardians, and Fragments.
Two nights ago my inner child, age 4, decided she wanted to come out and see the new house (I had moved in at the end of January) because the others wouldn't let her until it was "safe". Luckily she just stayed in my room and colored with crayolas. She doesn't know them and is curious about the house since its new.
I could do nothing except watch her color and hum to herself while I tried to get back up front but access was denied. Once she finished her drawing she went back in. I talked to my roommates the next day, warned them about what was happening. I haven't had an episode like that in a while but I've also been neglecting my inner child too.
My roommates and I had open discussion about DID, depression, anxiety, PTSD, and other things that ail us before we agreed to live together so it wasn't a shock for them to hear about it.
There's darker parts of myself that I'm afraid of and I don't want them to see. I can feel them wanting to come out and break through. Its keeper is tired and she can't stay bound forever but I feel like I've lost everyone else who's seen the crazy.
This feels similar to what happened to me when I got my first apartment at 18 and was finally in a safe space. I had an emotional breakdown within a month and had to start therapy or live in madness.
I feel.. exhausted, like I've been through so much this year already. I have to face the dark sides because it holds the truth and answers to not just understanding and dissecting my horrible last relationship, but the hidden things from years past. Except it became its own entity as a way for me to cope. And I have to embrace it.. and there's more than one of it, the darker selves. And they frighten me.
As an Aspect called "Truth" said once in reference to me, "One of us had to grow up."
(I am 24, was in talk therapy for approximately 6 years, officially diagnosed last year with Bipolar, PTSD and everything that goes with it [anxiety, ect.] and have been on maintenance psych meds to stabilize it for the past year, though they are starting to feel ineffective. I have not been diagnosed with DID at this time though I have shared information about my network with my psychiatrist.)
