There are two people inside of me, one I call the marine. He sees the world as dangerous and is dedicated to survival. The other I call the child, he wants to trust and be happy. The marine says to the child "Are you stupid, your going to get us killed!". The child says "I am not a robot! Your inhuman!". I can literally voice these parts of me. The marine will not listen, he is wholly focused on survival and knows no other way. He is angry at the child for risking his life, who he see as foolish. When I trigger myself, it is the marine, who is angry at the child's lack of seriousness in this fatal situation. I can feel these parts of me. The child is in pain, because he can't come out and be with others. The marine will not listen.
I did a zoom call with a somatic healer for instruction on TRE (trauma recovery exercise). It is holding poses until I shake, which is supposed to be a natural release of trauma. We did feeling work instead. I felt great afterwards. But it was kicking the hornets nest. The next morning I was terrified and inconsolable. The marine was angry. I can't relax or do anything to calm myself without offending him. I triggered myself and made myself more afraid. This fuel was the dread. The marine needed me to be more afraid to protect us, he was angry over what I did.
I never think anything by accident or habit. There is always a motive. Much more primal and deep than my conscious distress over feeling worse. I don't beat myself up, because I know the feeling that spawns the thought is not my fault. It is serious call from a wounded child, that needs my self compassion.
I did a zoom call with a somatic healer for instruction on TRE (trauma recovery exercise). It is holding poses until I shake, which is supposed to be a natural release of trauma. We did feeling work instead. I felt great afterwards. But it was kicking the hornets nest. The next morning I was terrified and inconsolable. The marine was angry. I can't relax or do anything to calm myself without offending him. I triggered myself and made myself more afraid. This fuel was the dread. The marine needed me to be more afraid to protect us, he was angry over what I did.
I never think anything by accident or habit. There is always a motive. Much more primal and deep than my conscious distress over feeling worse. I don't beat myself up, because I know the feeling that spawns the thought is not my fault. It is serious call from a wounded child, that needs my self compassion.
