New To Emdr...

[Maggiemay]

I know there lots of posts about EMDR, do I apologise for adding another.

I started it with therapist I've been seeing on and off for 18 months yesterday. We were only installing a safe place, but it unsettled me a lot and we ended up stopping. I could describe my safe place - it came to mind very easily, as it's a place very symbolic for me. But, I really struggled with tracking fingers and bringing it to the fore in my mind.

I interpreted this as it being challenging to focus in the present and focus on my inner world. Usually I would retreat into my own world and dissociate, but I couldn't... The more we tried, the more anxious my body became and physical symptoms became worse. At one point I got cross and made her stop as I felt I was going to cry, but then carried on...

Once we stopped, I was asked to close my eyes and bring my safe place to the fore, which despite my reluctantance, was a lot easier.

I'm worried, I reacted so acutely and we weren't even doing anything distressing. I have invested a lot of hope that this will cure me & alleviate body memories, but it appears I've fallen at the first hurdle - gutting! :(

 

[cat]

Hi Maggie, don't let go of that hope!
What you experienced with EMDR was, although distressing, perfectly normal. As you know our bodies remember trauma as well as our brains, always remember that with this therapy you are in control, well done for asking her to stop, it's hard to do that isnt it? You will experience many ups & downs with EMDR but it sounds like your therapist is working well with you to install some coping strategies, with any therapy there will be a certain 'it gets worse before it gets better' but believe me it is very worth it.

I had EMDR 2yrs ago & had many physical memories which I am pleased to say have mostly gone. For me EMDR was a life saver & put me on the road to recovery, it is tough & will stir up some memories we'd rather forget but it is important to explore & understand them, that is how we recover.

During therapy I found several books helpful..Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine - explores & explains how trauma affects our bodies. Care of the Soul & Dark Nights of the Soul by Thomas Moore are great for exploring your soul & how you think. Since finishing therapy I find these books very useful in 'topping me up'!

Good luck with EMDR, it is a wonderful therapy, just take it a day at a time. Here to support & answer any other questions you may have. Take care & stay strong, you can do this!

 

[maddog]

I would agree that you needn't worry at this point that EMDR won't work for you, or feel despair that your first introductory session was a bit rough. There is no doubt that the processes of EMDR take some getting used to - it is an unfamiliar and unusual process which requires an unfamiliar and unusual form of focus and concentration, particularly as it relates to the dual focus on both the images in mind and the eye or other bilateral movements of the therapist.

What matters is that you communicate your feelings and experiences honestly as you have done, call a halt if you need to (a fundamental rule with EMDR therapy) and try not to force or pre-empt the process or its outcomes as much as possible, which can be difficult I know.

It is, of course, possible that for whatever reason, you and your therapist may conclude over time that EMDR isn't for you. But I don't think there's necessarily anything to indicate that at this stage, so try not to be discouraged and remember that the best way you can look after yourself is to be honest with yourself and with your therapist.

Good luck with it, I really hope your next session is a little better, but remember too that not every therapy is for everyone, and there is no shame or failure in this.

Maddog

 

[Maggiemay]

Thanks guys, I really appreciate it :)

Thankyou for the book recommendations cat - I read 'The Body Remembers' last year which was very informative :) I struggle a lot with somatisiation, dissociation and depersonalisation, complex PTSD and BPD, soI'm chchallenging to treat. I guess I didn't expect it to be this difficult.

I trust my therapist completely. She had no choice but to stop as I nearly got up and walked out... oops. I am hopeful this will work, I just need to be patient whilst my body adapts...

Thanks maddog.

I know it's only the first session, but I didn't expect it to be this hard. I'm honest with T which is important, but it brought out my elective mute tendencies, where I can't speak and communicate - the words get stuck. I'm prepared for Y to turn around and say it's not going to work, but that's not what I want.

We've discussed use of sensorimotor psychotherapy if we don't get anywhere with EMDR, as we've got as far as we can with traditional talking therapies.

I just want to be normal and ok, and well. I hate how my past has such a hold over me...

 

[cat]

I've just read up on Sensorimotor psychotherapy & realised my psychologist used it with me. I found that part of therapy very helpful in understanding my traumas & why I reacted in the way I did. It has helped me to stand back in other situations before I react to them.

 

[Maggiemay]

:) Good news.

I'd never heard of it til therapist mentioned it recently. It sounds very helpful, especially for physical manifestations, which I find difficult to control, particularly myoclonic jerks in right arm and leg, and pelivis almost continually. Each contraction of the muscle hurt but out of my control to stop it. I also have non epileptic seizures and black outs which don't usually last long, but I've done damage during these. I'm worried one day I'll fall and break a bone, or I'll do more damage. I had a black out in the middle of the road a few months back = the most scariest thing ever...

 

[SilentWarDiva]

I haven't done much EMDR, but we may or may not go back to it if I can ever get to a place where I'm less avoidant...lofty goal.

I struggled with focus a lot too in the beginning, especially in finding a safe place. Now I have my imaginary treehouse, and I use it all the time, even outside of therapy. It got better for me with practice. :)

 

[Maggiemay]

I know avoidance all too well *hugs*

I'm hoping it'll get easier for me too with practise & perseverance. I'm also thinking by using tapping rather thaneye movement may help - I didn't like the sensation of moving eyes much, makes it feel like the room's moving, which only encourages me to dissociate... urgh!

 

[SilentWarDiva]

No hugs please, but I will offer friendly waves. :) *waves*

 

[maddog]

Maggiemay, I have always used the tapping for EMDR, so can't compare it with the eye movements, but I find the tapping to be very effective. An additional benefit is that I find it to be very grounding and fearI would struggle to retain dual focus with the eye movements. There is something about the direct physical contact and stimulation of the tapping that is reassuring and sufficiently intrusive, without being distracting, to allow me to hold the experience of the tapping in mind while also concentrating on the relevant images.

If you're ok with the physical contact with your therapist and your proximity to her during the process, which I was, after initial anxiety, then this might well be worth a try. I have also heard that some therapists use an object to tap your hands if you require a bit more distance.

Maddog

 

[Maggiemay]

I have serious touch issues, but if I can see her & know it's happening, then it's different.

 

[Maggiemay]

Just finished therapy and feel exhausted and disconnected.

Talked about having reached stagnation and is it worth continuing? After much thought we've decided although I'm functioning ok, there's still work to be done. = hard work!

I then dissociated with her = sod's law! :( Also talked about meds. She phoned my GP as apparently I was too sedated and therefore couldn't access therapy. I thought I was just feeling low. Now I'm having broken sleep & nightmares & more anxious during the day and this is supposed to be a good thing... *sigh*

I've agreed to 2 sessions a week over summer as I process better when not at work & she left me pondering: I need control, but what does that mean to me? Can I be emotional and still in control? ... *brain ache*
Apparently the reason we didn't continue EMDR is that I wasn't allowing myself to feel. We talked a lot about my dissociation & depersonalisation and I managed to put it in words in a way I never have done before.