Relationship New To Relationship And Ptsd

[Ali]

I had reconnected with a guy I went to high school with (thanks FB) back in Aug of '10. We soon discovered that there was something very unique about him and I. As he put it, " a undeniable connection". Every moment available we were talking and texting. We soon decided to meet after 15 years to see if what would happen. About a week before he was supposed to arrive he withdrew, blocked me on FB, and refused to text or talk only saying we were too intense and that he had some issues he needed to figure out. I was distraught, but managed to keep breathing and try to move on with my life.

After a few weeks of NOTHING he sent me a text out of the blue. He was with the other girl he was talking to. He was happy, can we be just friends. I was happy to have him back in my life as just a friend. The connection we had was more than just sexual. Needless to say, he stopped seeing the other girl and slowly but surely I have fallen in love with him, and he with me. He said it first. He has appologized hundreds of times for what I call "banning me out of his life". And I forgave him with the first text he sent me out of the blue. He then told me he had PTSD and goes through this every so often. I think I can handle this if I am well informed, but there lays the issue. I do not know what he has PTSD from. He is a police officer and I assume it is job related.

I knew it was coming on again, and last night it was confirmed. I am so confused by his texts.. I am in love with you, but I don't want to be with anyone right now. I have to take care of myself before I can take care of you. I don't want to stop seeing you I just have xy and z going on with work and family. I told him I wil try to understand everything, just be honest and don't completely shut me out. I have really limited my contact with him today, trying to give him space so he can sort things out in his head. He has only responded 3 times, but ended with his txt latr love you sweets.

We live just over 3 hours apart, and with his job duties our primary form of communicating is texting throughout the day. I was going to plan on going to see him next weekend for a surprise visit even before the newest episode came up. Do I still follow through with that?

He warned me before we spent our first night together about the nightmares and violent dreams. He feared that he would accidentally hurt me with his flailing. In the morning, we awoke with his arms secured around me. He told me it was the most peaceful sleep he has had in years. I know I cannot 'fix' him. He is going to a counselor he trusts and I encourage him all that I know how to. I'm not expecting him to magically be better just because I am there, but I do not want my visit to agitate him either.

In a nutshell.... do I still continue on with my plans for a surprise visit? and texting.. do I still send him a good morning and goodnight text? please help. Like I said, I am new to the relationship and even newer to PTSD.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Welcome Ali!

Please forgive the brief post (fractured wrist).
My first response is do not go for a surprise visit. That is usually a very bad idea to spring on someone struggling with PTSD!

I've had people try that with me, when I'm overwhelmed and need to isolate. It's usually all about them, and feeling insecure in our friendship, and wanting me to comfort them - when I barely have energy to keep living. To be burdened with having to continually reassure someone, when we are in need and depleted, is too much of a drain. It can cause us (in a self-protective mode) to cut off all contact entirely with the person who wants to be with us.

Slow and easy. Don't push... Don't pull a surprise visit unless you want to risk his severing your relationship entirely.

With caring and concern,
Deer

 

[Ali]

Thank you Deer. That is exactly the kind of reaction that I did not want. So... I guess the question is, do I tell him or cancel? Any other input, or personal experiences is all welcome. Thank you again

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Hi Ali

I think the best thing, for this week, is to cancel since he's isolating. Again, don't push. He'll be better able to respond to you when he's feeling better.
I wouldn't tell him that you were planning a surprise visit, just let it go. He might sever the relationship based on that uncertainty and "threat" alone, to protect himself.

What appears to be a fun surprise to you, to someone suffering from trauma-based anxiety it's another shooter about to nail him from a doorway. He doesn't need surprises.

I have more to share with you, with apologies need to stop writing tonight. Will talk more with you - you're a great person and it's a pleasure to be of assistance.

Many wonderful people here, that can provide help and support... including several in law enforcement. Also there are great articles that can provide useful information to help you understand PTSD, and help you as a supporter.

Stay strong, stay healthy...
Warmest wishes,
Deer

 

[amethist]

Hi Ali

Welcome to the supporters side of the forum.

As a carer myself, I have to agree with everything DIH has already said. Please cancel your plans for the surprise visit, it will probably do more harm than good.

Before rushing into anything, it would be a good idea to read up and learn all you can about how simple stresses can effect a sufferer. If you read the article about the PTSD Cup, you may see why we are saying no to what you are planning. I have added the link to the article below, if you start with this one then read others, it should start to make more sense why you should take every thing slowly. Pushing him to be more open with you, could have the opposite effect, as in pushing him further away.

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/[/DLMURL]

No one will say you wont be able to have a relationship with him, just that if you go head long into the surprise mode, he could see it as attack mode. Slow and steady is far better than rushing bull headed.

Amethist

 

[Ali]

Thank you Amethist and DIH the plans are canceled. Now, I have very selfish questions, and no answers. I am not wanting reassurance.. I know how he feels about me. I want to know how much longer this bout of isolation is going to last? Am I doing the right things? I sent him only 1 text this morning.. (hope you have a good one~love you sweets) and plan on leaving it at that until bedtime tonight. Unless, of course, he contacts me.. I just want him to know that I am still here, I still care and I don't plan on going anywhere.
When you go into isolation is it always for about the same amount of time?

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Hi Ali,

I know it's hard...

Isolation times vary, depending on him, the stress load, how he successfully manages it, what the latest stressor was, etc...
There's no standard timeline for this. It can be as brief as just needing a few hours alone for himself... to much longer...days, weeks (hopefully not that long)... Some people NOT in therapy can isolate for very long periods of time, but I don't wish to scare you since I don't believe your friend is at that level, and is not likely to since he is in therapy now.

Hopefully, he is learning better how to practice stress-reduction and coping techniques from his therapist.
It takes a while to not only learn these new skills, but to become proficient in practicing them so he can come out of isolation more quickly and re-join you and the world.

He's not weak... not by any means. Something gets violently crushed when we're faced with traumas that should not happen, that our psyches just are not designed to experience. PTSD is even worse when the trauma comes from the actions of another person, as we're designed from birth to know that other people are safe, nurturing and we need them. When that basic trust is shattered by the evil that is done by others, it shatters basic assumptions about people and the world. It shatters your sense of belonging, of a place in the world, of your own worth... the only safe refuge becomes you, in quiet... sort of like a gravely wounded animal needed to curl up in a den for safety, rest and healing.

Your 1 text this morning was good. 1 tonight at bedtime will most likely be reassuring for him, too. You're letting him know you're with him, you love him and care - but you're not bombarding or draining his minimal reserves as he struggles to regain his footing and strength. Good timing..

More but pain limits typing now...
Sending love and a (((hug))) if you'll accept it,
Deer

P.S. His coming out of isolation doesn't mean he's going to then be ok and able or wanting to be the life of the party. He's been changed. He probably will prefer low-stress activities (although some are adrenaline junkies, wanting to feel alive through adrenaline hits). Life will him will be challenging, plans are altered frequently as he needs to back away from overwhelming stressors, you will need to build a good social network of friends and supporters for you,too...

The neat thing is, because he is changing and re-making himself, eventually he can become the most amazing person of great depth and character as he comes out the other side of this...

The gift of a transformed friend/mate could be the greatest gift to you, but it comes wrapped in transformation and growth for you as well; which can be empowering, frightening, exhilarating, and the most difficult challenge you've ever had in your life.

 

[Ali]

Yes I will accept hugs!! I am usually a bouncing ball of rainbows and sunshine, which I am trying not to shove down his throat! I am the one everyone usually turns to when they are down because of my unique ability to see the silver lining in every dark cloud, which was part of my original confusion that pushed me to seek out more information on PTSD, which led me to this awesome sight.
Never thought he was weak! ~ told him I admired him for admitting he was having a problem and seeking help instead of being ashamed. That doesn't mean I wouldn't have liked to have know sooner, but that's ok. Later, when he (we) get past this isolation, I would like to find out what happened to cause him to have PTSD. Any opinions on how to handle broaching this very sensitive subject? I would also like to know what triggers it. Piecing together old conversations...(right now).... some things he has done and seen. Do I ask specifics? My normal method of questioning is blunt and to the point. That is me... the way I am wired. I don't beat around the bushes. He knows this too, but do I change my norm when (if) we talk about this later?
So many questions still, and thanks DIH for hanging in there with your wrist.

 

[amethist]

Hi Ali

This isolation could last an hour or a week. It will also not be the last, they will keep happening, maybe not as frequent or as long in the future, but they will still happen.

The only thing that is definite with PTSD, is that there are no set time limits or guarantees for anything. What is easy for one, could be impossible for another. What takes a day with one could take a month with another.

Hard to take in when its there in front of you, in black and white, but unfortunately that is exactly how it is for both sides of this.

Hard and heavy going at times.

Amethist

 

[seedling]

You may want to let him bring up his trauma in his own time. It's very difficult to share and can be harder with someone close to you - there's more to lose.
But your straight forward way will help you in a deeper relationship if you need to set boundaries (very common) of what's acceptable behavior and what's not.

Let the trauma be there and take its time, his path to healing will be slow going, no need to rush anything. The relationship between the two of you will have to be somewhat built around what's possible given the PTSD. Think hard about what you are willing to put up with and what you aren't.

Sorry if it sounds negative - but - what if he has an episode where he blocks you from his life like he did after the first time - where he said it was too intense. Can the two of you talk about what will prevent this from happening again and how it will be addressed if it does? The PTSD could cycle back around to whatever provoked his response in that instance. If he's still working, going to therapy and has other family obligations he can become overstressed and have a hard time dealing with everything.

Take care.

 

[Ali]

Seedling (<3 the name!!), Does not sound negative at all!! He is (was) terrified of destroying me again which is why he told me he had PTSD just before he isolated 2 nights ago. In his words," I can't help it. The walls are going up. I will try to leave a crack so your light to come through." He warned me the best he could about what is about to happen.
As far as triggers.... I have no clue!! That is why I feel we need to talk at a later time.
Some of the family issues I have lived trough myself... fear of losing a sick and or aging parent. We both play the same roles in our family.. we are the go to person. He has a son that means the world to him... the ONLY person he lets in when he is isolating. He also fears he will have to move away from his son, if he chooses a different career path.
As far as boundries, I do not know what I will and will not tolerate. I don't even know what to expect. I think I need to spend time reading on boundries. I expect honesty. Always have, always will. He did text me Goodnight, Love you sweets~ which I really liked. Would expecting at least a goodnight text be too much to ask? the next time this happens that is. Off to boundry setting reading I go. Again any and all opinions are welcomed. Thanks again~ You guys rock!! ~Ali~

 

[seedling]

You're off to a great start. Good news that he texted you :)! With his therapy he can be working on these kinds of skills and on having the ability to follow through with you.
Happy reading.