Relationship New To Relationship And Ptsd

[Ali]

Thank you all!! Forreal, Holy smokes you are awesome too!
The bf called last night begging me to come see him right now!! Couldnt do it, kiddos, school night etc, but I am leaving out this morning as soon as the boys are on the bus. He knows in my life, just like his, my children trump everything!! I am excited to go, but at the same time a little scared. Let me plainly state, I am not scared of him!! He is the same person as before, but he admitted he is not out of his funk. I plan on feeling out the mood and going with the flow.
He said he wants to tell me everything so I understand what is going through his mind. I can handle anything he has to throw at me as long as he is honest. He also literally laughed because as he said, I know you... you have a million questions. Yes, yes I do!! I have a 3 hour drive to figure out which ones, if any, I want to ask. I am hoping that he answers them all for me when we talk ~ or while he talks and I listen.
I will let you guys know tonight how it goes. ~Ali~

 

[deer_in_headlights]

((((((((((((((((Ali))))))))))))))

Good luck, Sweetheart!!!
May love triumph over all!
Sending love, healing wishes and all blessings for you both!
Deer

 

[Ali]

I am back home, got in pretty late. Yesterday was much needed by both of us. He didn't tell me what caused the PTSD, and I didn't ask. I do know what his trigger was. He told me how much he had been drinking.. 2 bottles of scotch in 2 days. He then made the awful mistake of asking me how I felt about that. I asked him if he wanted to really know, he said he thought he already knew, but he needed to hear it. I pulled off the side of the road, took him by the hand, and told him. He took it rather well.
We went to his moms house and the 3 of us sat down and had a chat. It was a little awkward for me, it was only my second time meeting her, and we talked for hours. She got him to go to the store so us girls could talk about him behind his back. She told me the positive effects I have had on his life, how even on his lowest days, he wanted me to be there. How he has talked about his future with me and he was seeking her approval. I was floored!! She asked me if we had talked about marriage yet... NO!!!!! ( I'm not ready for that!!!!) I explained we are in the beginning stages of our relationship, so dating exclusively being so far apart was tricky enough and with my new discovery of his PTSD while not making it easier,I can handle it, but marriage??? We are not there! and I laughed... she didn't laugh. He walked back in and one look at his mom and laughingly scolded her for scaring me!! She then said I want to meet the kids... he chimed in Me too!!
Next week we are meeting halfway at a museum. I will be meeting his son, and he will meet my three. I invited his mom to also come. This is a huge step for both of us, probably me more than him. As I went to leave, he asked me 'how much do you know' in a really good Godfather voice. I laughed and told him 'welcome back'.
Ohh!!! I also helped him fix his car! ;-)

 

[deer_in_headlights]

(((((((((((((((((Ali)))))))))))))))))))

Fantastic, Sweetheart!!!!

Smiling from ear-to-ear, and so delighted at such good news!!!
I'm so thrilled for you!!!

((((((((((((((Ali))))))))))))))
Hooray!!!!
All my love,
Deer

 

[Tinyflame]

"Welcome back", - how sweet is that

(And the car, lol)
-Much luck and good wishes to you Ali, xo

 

[seedling]

Sounds like you're on the same track:)

 

[Ali]

I can't say too much, but the trigger is back. It is work related. I have encouraged him to seek extra counseling, but he says he is alright. He is talking to me some about it, and it is truly horrifying how much pain one human can intentionally inflict on another. I just keep my mouth shut and listen, unless he asks me a question, and then I am very careful about my answers. There are no good answers to the questions :'( I would answer all of these questions the same whether it was someone with PTSD working with a trigger or not. Slowly,I try to stear the conversations in a different direction. I do not mind listening to what his mind is trying to process, but I don't want to mess up anything that his counselor may be working with him on either. I am actually relieved (relieved the right word?) that he feels safe and comfortable to open up to me. Any input here would be great!!!
Sill a lot of learning to do.. but he is worth it. Keeping our fingers crossed for the 15th! On this day, he finds out if .everything he has worked his entire career for will happen or not. He says it's a long shot that the state will give approval, but I told him I will stay optimistic. He laughed and told me part of what makes me so unique is that I see the silver lining in every dark cloud, I dance in the rain, and I probably s&#t rainbows and glitter! His personality is back :-) We are happy, and I think stronger than before.
I know I was a pain, but I was like a lot of other people. I had only known what the words PTSD had stood for, and what cheesy Hollywood movies portry it as. It is hard to deal with. All I know was that this smashed my world, unknowing, confused and scared I found this place with a plethera of genuinely great people!! A lot of my newbie questions were answered with respect, sentiment, personal experiences and love. I know I could not have made it without ya'll and for that I only hope you know how truely grateful I am.
Will keep you posted on the museum, and please.. don't forget my question in the 1st paragraph. About the counselor and him talking to me? Remember I don't offer advice.. just listen
{{{{Hugs}}}} ~Ali~

 

[seedling]

Ali,
this thing about the counselor. I am experiencing something of the same thing from the other side. I wanted to talk to my husband about yesterday's therapy this morning and I did. We had a discussion and I got his point of view but I could also tell he was being careful not to read anything into what I told him my T said. At one point he said "I don't know where he was going with that," meaning that he wasn't willing to second guess what was going on in therapy at that point.
From my point of view, I wanted him to listen and to bounce some ideas off of him. We were involved in the trauma together and have discussed what happened many times. This morning we were covering some old ground in a new way, mostly me trying out a different perspective I thought my T was thinking was good for me.
I ended up not feeling good at the end of our talk, triggered I guess and I was still feeling the effects of the therapy, but I was happy about it an hour later and grateful for having opened up to him and having him talk to me. It was just a crappy thing to talk about, hence the feelings starting up, but I tried at the time not to put that on him. I also think that the feelings came from just opening up, it was a big step for me and a confusing one.

There's a big difference in the attention of a friend and the attention a counselor gives. They have different qualities and don't cancel each other out. I guess my only advice would be to not be down on anything he says his T has told him - you can't understand the context outside of the session and what a T says at one time is meant for that moment. Make any sense? I'm sure his counselor would be happy that he has as much support as possible in the real world, it's one of the things they work with their patients to establish. The counselor will be short term in someone's life, real relationships are longer lasting and sustaining once someone can go it on their own.

Take care, I'm very tired, so if that didn't make total sense.......

 

[Ali]

Seedling,
Yes it made sense! I never doubted anything his C has told him, and never gave a opinion unless directly asked. Much like your husband, I was very careful with my words. I never asked what goes on in his sessions, and maybe you are right that he is establishing in me a deep trust to confide a lot of his issues.
Funny how reading responses triggers in me a conversation we had, or something he said or did. Just had one of those "A HA!!' moments. :-)
I am following in your footsteps Seed... I believe my pillow misses me. Thank you for your feedback. It is very helpful. ~Ali~

 

[alphaLima]

I am brand new to this forum, but I wanted to say to everyone how helpful reading through the discussion has been for me. I am in a new relationship with a guy with combat related PTSD and it is absolutely overwhelming, confusing, saddening, heartbreaking, and a million other things at once. However, I am more than convinced that he is worth whatever added complications that may occur as a result. He is the most wonderful person I have ever met, and I want to figure out how to make it work in hopefully a healthy manner.

As if PTSD isn't enough, there are other complications involved, but so far I am remaining optimistic. We are both in kind of transitional phases of life; he is getting out of the military in a few months and most likely moving to another city. I am unsure where I will be in the next 6-12 in my life. So neither of us really know what the heck we are doing, but I am so blissfully happy with him. We didn't plan on meeting and experiencing this wonderful thing, and yet here we are. For me, it seems like each day with him, I become happier and happier, and at the same time, more and more miserable, out of fear of the unknown, fear that things are so fragile, and of course, fear of a broken heart.

Reading through these discussions has been so reassuring in helping me see that I'm not alone, he is not alone, and there is no "normal" standard of behavior for PTSD sufferers. I have hundreds of questions but I won't ask them all at once. I am so touched by everyone's sincerity and helpfulness here. Thank you.

 

[Ali]

Alpha.. If you have read my entire thread you will see the ups and downs I felt! Without the wisdom of all the wonderful people on here I would have caused myself to lose a really great man. I will also say while he was isolating he never became beligerant, cruel or abusive, which I have read on here happens sometimes.
The Museum was a bust. He was on-call and actually got called in. I will say that this isolation period is over. He felt terrible about being called in and I told him no biggie, theres always spring break.
He wants to talk about how I felt during his isolation period! Do I tell him? Most of my grief and self pity was selfishness and not understanding what the heck was going on?!? He is worried about hurting my feelings when he does this. I don't need him to worry about that. What to do? Thanks, ~~Ali~~

 

[seedling]

Welcome, aphaLima, to the forum, glad you're here.

Ali, I think you need to be honest about your feelings during the isolation (you're good at that, right?:) ). Let him know that together the both of you can work on ways to lessen the impacts of isolation for both of you. Don't hide things but that doesn't mean it has to seem like "his fault."

It's just something that needs to be worked out to help your relationship get over these humps. It would be great if you could work out some kind of code words, something easy and simple for him to text when he can't do more than that. He would know you knew it was bad for him and you would know it wasn't personal.

Sorry about the museum day, hope it comes together soon.