New Trauma T

[Kintsugi]

My memory is so bad I could not remember whether I'd already made this thread. Now I remember that I wanted to get closer to the appointment date, lest I wound myself up too early in the game.

I see my new T this Tuesday for the first time. I've only ever had one trauma T (for roughly five years). The T I occasionally saw at my school mainly helped me put out small, immediate fires.

I have so many thoughts going into this. I wanted to create this thread about a week ago, but there are so many thoughts and feelings I've experienced about this, I was afraid I would get too broody. No need to hold a magnifying glass to my anxieties that early in the game, right? ;)

But now that it's almost upon me, I've been unable to keep my head out of the whirlpool of anxiety I've been holding at bay for weeks. Going to a trauma T voluntarily is hard for me. I didn't really have a choice with my first T, and it took her forever to gain my trust.

I do like this new T. Let's call her Dr. B. Dr. B is impressively outfitted with a PhD, two master's degrees, and specializes in PTSD and trauma. She was not intimidated by my frank, curt attitude on the phone. Furthermore, although she made note of it, she was not intimidated or thrown off by my own understanding of PTSD and treatment options, which is something I faced with each potential T candidate the last time I looked for one.

However, like and even respect are a bit different from trust, right? I keep turning into my fifteen-year-old self when I think about sitting in a new T's office--moody, guarded, full of bitterness and sarcasm. Then I remember, emotionally remember, that I'm an adult and that I need to cut that shit out and get down to business.

I'm sure this T will have some idea in her head of how we should begin. There are some business items to be addressed, which I will briefly address in an email today in the hopes of saving chair time. In spite of knowing she probably has a few openings she might use at the outset of therapy, I cannot stop thinking up my own starting points, agonizing over how to dive into all the crap I need to dive into.

I've thought it might be valuable to have my old T send my new T all of my information, which would surely cost at least as much as one session to have her read, but it could conceivably save time in the long run. Has anyone else done that? At the same time, there are things I never flat out told my old T, like the abusive relationship I experienced while I was seeing her, and maybe I just need to cleave a new path of sharing with this T. That seems most genuine, right?

This thread is really here in part for me to ramble about all the crap I've been turning over regarding getting a new T, so I'm sorry it is so scattered. It is just so overwhelming looking forward. It is difficult not to be anxious about what's in store for me. I feel like I am building my adult self more than ever these days, and the whole process is mind-numbingly terrifying sometimes.

 

[Nighthawk]

Starting with a new therapist is just that overwhelming @Simply Simon. I am not surprised you are scattered.I often think I need to change T and when I think about it I get so overwhelmed I stay with the one I have.

I keep turning into my fifteen-year-old self when I think about sitting in a new T's office--moody, guarded, full of bitterness and sarcasm.

This is how I behaved for the first 14 months of T with my current therapist.

Wishing you the best of luck.

 

[darrenS]

i feel differently about starting with a new therapist, i have changed a few times because of moves and what not, and yes it is anxiety inducing and yes you go through all those things in your head, the what ifs and so forth, but at the same time its fresh, you have the chance to start anew with more knowledge and insight, you also have the chance to leave those issues out that have been dealt with and resolved.

As you also stated , you have grown and you are obviously well into building your adult self, this also gives you the chance to be your adult self as the therapists dosent know the old you , the 15 year old you speak of. This also means you can further your adult self by having more control of the therapy agenda so to speak.

Change can be scary if we look at it that way, but it can also be very liberating allowing to rewrite the agenda based on experience and gained knowledge. I wish you the best with your new therapist, good luck.

 

[The Albatross]

Like and respect is a perfectly fine way to be open to the idea of trust.

 

[StellaBlue]

I think it's perfectly understandable that starting with a new therapist can be anxiety producing. Therapy is such a weird thing - I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it and I hate that I spend so much time examining the process and not working on actual issues - but maybe that's part of the process itself.

It sounds to me like you have the self awareness to be able to "build" the structure you want to work in...and that you are far enough along on your journey that you know what you want/need and can express this to the new therapist. There's a fine line between keeping within a structure that you are comfortable with and being too rigid, but that's all part of it too, I think. I hope that makes sense. I guess what I'm trying to say (and it's taken me a long time to understand this) - it's your therapy - you are paying for it - you are doing the work. A good therapist should never take your agency away from you.

Regarding having this new therapist contact your old therapist - you don't have to decide this right now. It took me 6 sessions to decide that I was comfortable signing a release for my new therapist to contact my old one - not because I didn't trust either one of them - I just wanted to see what the new one was like, how we were going to work together, what information would be helpful. In the end, I decided it would save some time and energy for the new one to talk to the old one and I signed the release. Honestly, I'm not even sure if she's actually contacted him.

I would also add, I think most therapists consider this kind of contact and/or reading old case notes as part of the whole package and, unless they specify otherwise, don't charge for it.

 

[Sammyiam]

I got my therapist to ring my new therapist and talk to her before I even went to see her. My old therapist suggested it as well as myself. I have know idea what they talked about and I don't want to know, but it was much easier knowing that they had talked before I meet her. I still catch up with my old therapist once every month or two just to say hi and she likes to see how I'm doing and how things are with me. We catch up over a coffee in a mutual place for about an hour and just chat, but I always know I could call her at any time if I fell into 100 pieces. She has always said to me if you ever need me I'm always there for you.

It's really nice to know that is in the background if I needed it.

I hope you like your new therapist.

 

[Kintsugi]

Ughhh

So I saw her. It was fine. Everything was pretty okay. We got to the close of the session and things were fine. She asked something like, what did I think of the session, was there anything unexpected, etc. I told her that I thought she could be "unnecessrily combative."

From her response, she took that to mean that she was very direct and challenging. That wasn't what I meant, but I decided not to define it any further at that time.

We ran over talking about lots of crap. Scheduling, billing--stuff like that. We were talking about whether we should meet this Friday, because I won't be able to meet with her again until two Fridays later. I basically would have been happy to meet Friday, because early follow up will help me cope with getting into the flow of therapy I think, but I didn't want to say that was okay, because the fact is I will not be paying the bill. My parents will be paying the bill, and I will be contributing to that.

So I told her, I don't want to give you an answer, because $200-300 is a lot to ask for, and I needed to clear that with my parents before making any plans.

I don't remember what she said. I got the feeling she was wondering if they even knew about this arrangement.

So I got defensive, kind of. I tried to qualify what I was explaining, assuring her they were more than on board, that I would speak with them, that payment was not going to be a point of stress.

She came back at me with the "unnecessarily combative" attitude I was talking about, but way worse.

She made lots of declaritive sentences about this situation, saying my parents weren't actually involved on her side, that I was responsible for the bill, and should they choose to pay it, that doesn't affect her, they are not her clients... there were lots of declaritive sentences. A lot of, "I will" this and "I will not" that.

The worst part was that she was using this brand of uptalk I rarely encounter. Uptalk is that valley girl type of upward inflection that makes everything sound like a question, but it can actually sound incredibly aggressive and is, in fact, a type of tone indicating aggression and/or directness of speech.

It felt like she was tearing into me. I felt like I was being berated. It felt like she was exploding on me. I wanted to say "Stop yelling at me," and when that thought came to me, I started losing my grip. I felt my face flush, my eyes get big, my mouth cement shut and tremble.

Then she stops, looking at me, and asks what's going on. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't open my mouth.

She closed her scheduling book and set it aside. All I could do was start shaking my head, and she nodded back at me.

"You look like you are literally about to cry. What's going on?"

I shook my head. She nodded back.

"In the last five minutes, something triggered this."

I pointed frantically toward the door, managing to get out the words, "It's time for me to leave."

She said it hadn't bothered me that we ran over until right then. I continued to shake my head, and she continued to nod. I was genuinely shedding tears at that point. All I could get out--and I said it twice--was "What do you want me to say?" Like somehow if I knew what she wanted from me, I could leave and put this behind me.

And I was frankly sort of angry. Like, I was so close to getting out of there and having a positive time. And what the f*ck? I never cry in therapy. It is super rare. I didn't cry in my first T's office for years.

I think I was more susceptible, though, because I was yelled at (I mean really, screamed at) on Saturday for basically no reason, and I hadn't fully recovered from that episode.

I've been holding everything together so well, and this reminded me that I was going to have to cry sometime about something.

But the real issue is her speaking pattern. How am I going to address this? And when? Should I see her in two days? I'm thinking not. I need time to process, maybe. Or maybe I'm avoiding. Hard to say.

Here's what I think I'm going to tell her:

I like training dogs. I understand dog drives and temperaments pretty well, and my own dogs are a mixed group. Hamlet is a hard dog. He doesn't respond well to gentle correction and requires firmness. Annie is a soft dog. If you use too heavy a hand with her, she will shut down and become unresponsive. She requires gentle corrections, which she responds to well.

I am a soft dog.

When you go on about a point in our sessions, I feel I can't get a word in edgewise, and you go past the point you need to when trying to make a point. Going on like that makes me feel like I am being harangued, and not being able to get a word in makes me feel like I can't defend myself, even if what you're saying is not attacking me.

There is a big difference between being direct, challenging, and assertive and the tone of voice and speaking patterns used to achieve those states. One can be soft-spoken or brief in their words and still be assertive, make a point, challenge someone, etc. The combination of strings of declarative sentences and an aggressive uptalk makes me feel I am under seige, even if that is not the case, and the point could be better made without all this extravagance, this quality I perceive as aggression.

I'm sorry this is such a loooong post, but I'm having a tough time processing what went on last night.

I like this T, and I think we can work well together, but not if this is going to be a constant communication issue.

I'm trying not to be angry, but I don't see how she doesn't understand what she did. I think maybe she did know, because she softened up when she realized I was in total meltdown mode. But it's not fair to make her guess at what the issue was, either. I get that.

At the same time, this woman specializes in PTSD, and I just don't see how she employs this manner of speaking without seeing how it could be a bit much.

I've never wanted a psychologist who pussy foots around or is all about love and compassion and all that frou-frou crap. I've just never been that person. But this was too much. It has little to do with her words and everything to do with everything else.

I'm going to shut up now, because I'm rambling. My symptoms have already spiked, and I've wanted to go on sobbing ever since I stopped the tears in her office.

 

[The Albatross]

One session doesn't mean it will be a constant communication issue. Sounds to me like you already have a head start on what you would like for a topic next session.