New Type Of Nightmares

[p-no]

Thank you for your kind words, Whitney.

There is only so much a friend can do.

Yes, this is true. It is difficult to accept though, if someone's suffering so very much.

I need quiet time to access my feelings to the extent that I will feel the fear about her and my godchild, the desperateness about not being almighty but only human, the pain of having to let her go. I think I have been expressing my feelings as much as has been possible for me while continuing to live.

I used to let out my feelings all the time (long, long time ago) and it turned out that by doing so those feelings never stopped. At some point I decided to manage my emotions more and to keep more down.

That was good, because a) I actually felt them more and, b) it was not a bottomless pit of "emotional lava" being spit up all the time.


I think that by feeling those feelings more, I (unconsciously back then) validated them more, accepted them more as real and having their place in my life and being. They then didn't become so overwhelming anymore because they were heard.

Now, I make time for my feelings, and then I make time for my feelings to stop. I don't mean that I don't feel anymore, but as they say, "there's a time for crying and there's a time for feeling happy, there's a time for...".

I think things are okay the way they are (with me), and those other things, well, I cannot change.

 

[p-no]

if you allow them

Sure do. Thanks, safenow.

 

[BloomInWinter]

The distressing feelings from nightmares, like any other trigger, can be helped greatly by practicing good self-care.

It's helpful to have at least some morning routine to help our brains be brought back to the present. Whether meditation, reading inspirational books, attending to the garden or pets, or listening to a favorite playlist, our brains find routines soothing.

Practicing good grounding techniques as soon as we wake up can pull us out of it. I also agree talking to safe, supportive friends can really help us remember that we are safe now.

 

[Whitneys story]

:) Prime-No, We each walk our journey with what we know. It took me a long time to realize the walk with my husband dying I had a choice. You are such a giving person and please feel free to throw my suggestions in the garbage.
Choice 1: To use the time that is now to savor the life he had remaining. This time that could never be recaptured.
Choice 2: Existing in fear of what the future would be, which has no way to process as it is unknown.

Eventually I chose #1, as I had been the strength for his whole family. I was avoiding my and sons needs. The unknown timing was three years of process. I would have missed a lot.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I believe it is one of the cruelest aspects of life. In March it will be 40 years, it gets easier but you will always remember this time with her.

I send you clarity and caring in this journey! Bunny rabbit cuddles too! Whitney

 

[p-no]

We each walk our journey with what we know.

Very true. I would love to have an internal hard drive where I could save all those quotes I come across that are so perfectly worded to me.

Choice 1

I think this is what I'm doing and what I have been doing. Considering the circumstances, there isn't so much to enjoy though, in the sense that I'm far away physically and can't go there too often (for the money), plus, she has been doing so badly she can't even talk over the phone. When I was there last, we were sitting at the table and she got a text on her mobile. The phone was about one arm's length away on a sideboard but she could hardly reach there and her face was distorted by the pain.

Instead of actually being in touch when she can't (or I can't for work), I will just express my care and love in writing a post card or a letter, sending flowers, or something like it. I don't do that too often either as she has trouble not being able to get back to you with a thank you and all. I am trying to find the right shade of grey, also considering that others who care show they care, too.

So, I think I have taken Choice 1, and I think I always have in my life when something like this happened, and unfortunately something like this has happened very many times. There comes a time though when you stay lying on the highway (fig. for life) when you've already run over by a few trucks (fig. difficult things happening) and when you just stay down hoping to get a bit less hurt if you don't move while things happen. Don't get me wrong. This may sound very depressive, but it is not what I mean. I do enjoy the time with my friend and I am active about things. What I mean is that painful experiences do never become less painful with "practice", but only more in the sense that when you've lived through so many you literally have experience and can predict things better. So far, and I feel sad about this myself, I have not predicted wrong with regard to cancer. By "predicting" I also don't mean giving up early or feeling overwhelmed and thus remaining paralyzed but just, well, maybe realizing various times a day or a week that whatever you do or not do, nothing will change the outcome. It can leave you feel very helpless, which you are. It doesn't mean that you can't enjoy the time you have left, it just means that you may have gotten tired from reliving things. Of having to let people go you love. I have had to let so many people go (and I mean they died); others left (and never returned); I'm talking about my childhood. I am an expert in knowing what it's like. I have learned I will survive and things will get better again. I just want them to not happen again. I have had too many of them by the time I was 18.

I am sure this screams depression at some, and yet it is not. Not subjectively. I am happy sometimes. I enjoy doing things like going to see a movie or read a book, visit friends. I do live my life. But what I have experienced in life, apart from the various abuse, is nothing anyone should have to. I mean, literally. No sappiness intended at all.

I would have missed a lot.

Yes. Actually, Whitney, I have no clue how you can not take Choice 1. I mean, in your case it was your husband, in mine a.o. my good friend now. How can one not make use of the time one has with someone one loves? I seriously don't understand. I have also never understood how a person can stay away from someone in deep distress, terminal illness, physical handicaps etc. No offense to anyone, please. I do realize there may be very valid reasons.

the walk with my husband dying

I am sorry, Whitney, that you had to experience that. At the same time I am grateful that you chose option 1 and made the best of the time you had.

Thank you for your well wishes and especially the bunny rabbit cuddles. Sometimes they're all that help. ;)

 

[p-no]

Bloom, Thank you for replying.

I agree with all you're saying. Lately, I have had only one more nightmare and it seems to have come about only shortly before I woke up for work. I'm grateful for that.

morning routine

I'm wondering if there is something I can do other than routines that you have mentioned. Maybe you have any other ideas? I get up at least 90 min. before I have to leave for work. I cannot (and I really mean this) do anything of what you have suggested. It did work at a time of my life when I was still in college, but ever since I've worked that is gone. I usually set my alarm clock at half an hour before I have to get up, i.e. 2 hours before I have to leave. It takes me half an hour (at least!) to wake up. Sometimes I use three alarm clocks, because, in bad times, I will just not hear at least one, and often not another one until the time has passed until when the alarm will go off in regular intervals.

Then I need to get a cup of coffee (low blood pressure). After that I can start with shower and getting ready and that's it. No breakfast usually. I can't eat when my body is still in that state. Usually, at about 10 a.m. (I will have worked for an hour already) I will be fully awake, hungry and all.

I cannot get up earlier than two hours before, I really can't. Are there any other rituals for the morning? When I have my garden (early spring, I hope), I want to make coffee and sit outside on the steps and just breathe. All else I've tried (more active stuff) has had me crash at late a.m. Crash in the sense of blood pressure collapse (not fully, I didn't faint, but close, cold sweat, freezing, dizzy). I once had a part-time job. That was good. That fit in with my PTSD and the rest of me.

 

[safenow]

What I mean is that painful experiences do never become less painful with "practice", but only more in the sense that when you've lived through so many you literally have experience and can predict things better.

I am sending you butterfly kisses. Butterflies only do that when they really like you. They come up very close to any exposed skin and flutter their wings on you. It means they care. I care.

I believe that life only lasts for a certain period of time, and then we all go back home to Him who created us in the first place. I have a dear friend who's in her 90's now. She has been with me emotionally for many of my sessons with cancer. She and I are looking forward to when we get home, so I can run and she can sing. LOL. Something neither of us can do here on earth. Everyone I loved, other than her are "home" now. So it will be a grand reunion.

 

[p-no]

That is a nice thought, safenow. I am glad that you have that friend, safenow.

Although I do not know what you look like, I can picture you running and some butterflies dancing around you and your friend. :) My friend Brenda-Lea is already there. She's one of those butterflies fluttering by. :)

Butterflies have a very, very special meaning to me. Thank you for reminding me.