Undiagnosed Newbie - Sibling Abuse

[Hopefully]

Hi all

I've been a lurker on here for a long time and finally decided to take the jump and make myself official.

I am trying to find the confidence and strength to admit and process that I was sexually abused by my (3 years) older brother through a few years of my childhood. In some moments of some days I can do that, but for the majority of time I struggle, living in denial for many years has really left a damaging impact in being able to implement and believe the facts, or what I believe to be the facts. As far as I have seen child on child sexual doesn't seem covered too often, for me it seems so easy to down play it, to say it wasn't that bad. It feels like all the boundaries are blurred, it seems so easy to say this is different. I long to feel validated, to hear that I am allowed to feel affected by years of this and other behaviour yet fear that and all it entails with equal measure.

My hope is that being here I will be able to gently solidify my experience, accept it and heal, to stop the memories that plague and shame me and to move on, to stop this being so much in my present and put it in the past.

I have put that I am diagnosed but I have been through a course of trauma focused CBT with exposure therapy, PTSD was mentioned but never confirmed to me at least. Personally I have never felt such a fit with a list of symptoms, suddenly from feeling I could never explain how I felt everything made sense.

Really looking forward to being part of the community.

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the forums :)

 

[ladee]

Welcome!. We hope you find what you need here. A very supportive community that .understands. Glad you took the risk to be a part of the healing.

 

[Poofycat]

Welcome to the forum!

 

[Hopefully]

Thank you for such a warm welcome. Really pleased to be here :)

 

[pixel]

G'day @Hopefully

I lurked for 12 months before joining up, and it felt like I already knew everyone by the time the hello's were exchanged. :D

As you would know, this is a compassionate & supportive environment with great advice from members who get it.

Glad you joined us :tup:

 

[RavenGirl]

@Hopefully, welcome to the forum, I'm glad you found us but I'm sorry you have to be here as it means you too suffer. Sadly you and I seem to have a lot in common. I too was abused by older brothers and a cousin. One older brother specifically abused me physically, psychologically, and sexually off and on for 5 years of my life.

I am here to say, your brother had NO right to do what he did!!! You didn't ask for it, he took your innocence away from you. :tdown: I also tried to down play my abuse. I kept it hidden for 35 years, I was going to die with that secret. The problem is, my mind and body wasn't listening anymore and I ended up with PTSD taking over and making me cry at the drop of the hat, and I don't cry. 18 months ago, I called out my abuser. It was terrifying but also freeing. I then started therapy and told my parents, sister, husband, and grown children what happened. (As I had to explain why we weren't going to the family functions anymore) I have never felt to free!!

I am in no way saying you need to do that, I'm just saying how much better you can feel when you let the poison out. :tup:;):)

My therapist taught me something that I want to share with you. She told me, "abusers like to make us play the shame game, as it's a way to make us keep quiet, a way to control us. But A person should only feel shame when they've done something they know was wrong, something that hurt someone else deliberately." We don't have anything to feel shameful for. Our abusers do, if they have any feelings at all other than narcissism. Again, welcome to the forum, I hope you find what you need to help you in your road to recovery. :hug::hug:Raven

 

[EveHarrington]

Well I believe you and I believe it was quite serious.

Child on child <can> be just play but that doesn't mean all of it is play. In your case, I think you were indeed abused. People in general won't understand and this is why it's imperative to seek out help and support from those who will understand.

:hug:

 

[Hopefully]

Thank you for the lovely messages @pixel, @RavenGirl and @EveHarrington, it took a few attempts to read them to the end but your kind words are hugely appreciated. I feel a lot of guilt posting on here and receiving these comments, I feel like I am lying or duping you into believing a story that isn't true. The want to box it all up and run away is huge, but that is what I have been doing all my life, being here is all part of me trying to really finally face this, I really want to believe what you are saying is true.

Raven, I too thought I would this would be a secret I would never share, but like you it got to the point where my body was screaming at me that it wasn't coping any more, I simply couldn't use the same denial tactics anymore. It leaves me in a very confusing place now though, I know it shouldn't have happened but can't believe that all at the same time, it is like living and believing in two opposing truths at once, a constant dizzying battle. The shame is really difficult for me, thank you for trying to ease that.

EveHarrington, child on child feels so difficult to understand, the boundaries seem so blurred between what is play and what isn't, a question I am forever asking, there seems to be so many ways to down play it. Also my memories are really disjointed, I know I try and want to distrust them, to tell myself I am wrong but the parts of the memories that I see so vividly tell me I'm right, another mental battle ground, I'm so frightened of being right and being wrong. To be honest, I think that should just read 'I am just frightened', that sums it all up pretty succinctly.

I know I have a lot to do, I need to work on acceptance, hopefully I'll get there.