Sufferer Newly diagnosed, abilify, and seeking advice, im pretty crazy, open to questions

[Deleted member 45777]

Hi I am 24 years old a female college student who has just been diagnosed with chronic PTSD. I was prescribed Abilify and have to start taking it but want to get it advice about it. I want to know if anyone has taken it and it it it is successful. Also I am open to any questions and discussions. I am in California I was diagnosed by the head of psychiatry at UC Irvine student health because I am a UC Irvine student and now I have to try to psychotherapy with a famous PTSD expert out of the lake forest using my blue anthem PPO. Both my psychiatrist and therapist both told me that I have some of the more severe chronic PTSD they have ever seen but this is all just words to me and I don’t know what it really means.

I was in and out of foster homes from the time of two years old to 12 years old and I was mentally physically sexually and every type of way tortured for those years by everyone my parents other foster kids foster parents everyone. I mean you think it happened to me I’ve even been kidnapped. My biologcal mother married a sex offender. My mom is bipolar as well, and she is legally blind. She also was raped as a child.

I mean if you want to think of my childhood as like a child of war you can?

I have been beaten and starved molested isolated mentally tortured locked in rooms chained up tied up anything you could probably think of really and it happened all the time from being two years old till 12.

I dont know where i am going with this.

I mean I don’t expect anyone to ever understand or even come close to understanding the amount of torture and pain and tears I have endured truly so I really don’t even see a point in ever getting into it all.

All I know is that I’ve been screaming a lot and turning into like a monster I scream and cry and yell and throw things and break things and I get in the fetal position is to climb in the floor and sounding like a demon growling and groaning it’s almost like there is a demon inside of me trying to come out I have constant evil thoughts of hurting people I’m so angry to the point that I would want to hurt anyone women men probably not children but especially man I literally cry every day anything to make me cry lots of things trigger me I don’t do lots of things and lots of things I hate I don’t like being alone and I can’t stand me in a room by myself because I was locked up in rooms by myself for a long time as a child I don’t think a lot of things sometimes I think I don’t even like people anymore honestly sometimes I hate people so much I’m so angry I think about hurting women and her new man I’m so angry literally my life is nothing but anger crying tension always looking over my shoulder always ready to fight I do boxing I did kickboxing always ready to hurt someone if I need to it’s a sad pathetic Pathetic life is always telling myself not to hurt someone not to fight them to let it go to look the other way to just not have an attitude I always have to tell myself to not have an attitude to not hurt someone because they say something so absurd to me

I can’t explain to you how many times people called me crazy in my lifetime or how many drugs I have done or how many things I have Lindor how many relationships I have ruined or how many people hate me or have a little friends I have or how I have no one I have I feel alone all the time my life is a constant spiral of nothingness going into anger

I’m at a crossroads between just us and revenge and I’m always seeking to forgive patchouly the things that of been done to me I will never forgive and forget and I don’t understand how anything is supposed to help me when I have been living with all of this for over 20 years and I’m always fighting everyone in my life and I always want to fight and hurt and be angry everything

If I could set the world on fire probably would

It scares me how angry I am it scares me the thoughts that I have scares me how badly I want to hurt people and it’s all because of how much I have been hurt because of how much I was taking advantage of how much I was tortured

My therapist says that I have every reason to hate the world that I have every reason to be this way and I have no other thing to say but the fact that I am this way I am tortured

I am a drug addict I am so excited I am violent I am angry I have and I want to hurt I plant and I plot and I could become the next worst thing I really need help and I just don’t know what can help at this point I wonder if Abilify can help

I USED TEXT TO SPEECH SO MY GRAMMAR IS PROB WRONG I DID NOT TYPE THIS MYSELF I JUST SPOKE FROM THE HEART TO SIRI REALLY DONT JUDGE

I WANT HELP

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I WANT HELP

You deserve to be helped as soon as possible. I cannot imagine the living hell and tortures that you have endured and survived. I am so glad that you will be entering into therapy for yourself. You deserve to heal from everything that has been done to you since you were a toddler. I am sorry to hear what brought you hear but I am glad you found this support group.

 

[Deleted member 45777]

You deserve to be helped as soon as possible. I cannot imagine the living hell and tortures that you have...

Thank you!!!

I am getting help finally but idk

Anyone know about Abilify for CPTSD???

Is there any hope for me?

I feel like a screaming monster like a demon rn I swear I look so torturted in the mirror with the tears n the yelling

 

[Friday]

I mean I don’t expect anyone to ever understand or even come close to understanding the amount of torture and pain and tears I have endured truly so I really don’t even see a point in ever getting into it all

I’ve read quite a few stories very very similar to yours. Hundreds, just here in the forums. You’re very much not alone in this.

Welcome

 

[Deleted member 45777]

I’ve read quite a few stories very very similar to yours. Hundreds, just here in the forums. You’re...[/QUOTE

I’ve read quite a few stories very very similar to yours. Hundreds, just here in the forums. You’re...

Oh yea I am sure there r tons of former foster kids who where tortured for years sexually, mentally, and physically. Who also had a sex offender step dad and a legally blind bipolar mother. Sure. My case isn’t rare at all. Sure.

Having CPTSD for over 20 years is normal I guess.

I put myself through so much trauma after I got out of fostercare.
And its not like my mom ever got better, she is still crazy, and my step dad still has no morals.

And I even was a victim again 3 years ago when I was forced to abort my first child.

So yea I guess my forced abortion is the freshest PTSD.

But im sure none of this is rare.

I guess people with CPTSD find themselves victims over n over.

I have over 50 traumas.

I chased trauma for years after my teen age years.

I have 2 men in jail over me from being a girl.

I allowed myself to be drugged and gang raped at 15.

I let myself become a victim over n over after fostercare.

I guess all I know is how to be a victim.

I been the viticm in over 20 reports.

But I guess a part of me wants to attack now.

 

[Deleted member 45777]

Im so f*cked up that I get ur trying to help but I still want to tear your throat out

I dont think there is anything anyone could say

I just hate the world

Right now anyway just now


Ill get over it in a week or so

I mean being told u have something u never heard if kinda pisses me off cuz i just want to hurt those who caused this now to bad

I want revenge on thos who caused this “CPTSD”

They ruined me

My life is horrible

Like f*ck no one likes me cuz of it

Im unbearable

I get it


f*ck the world

I hate everything i swear to f*cking god i do i want it all to burn

 

[mumstheword]

From what I've heard Abilify works for some people for a time, but others find it makes them worse. Please look up the "side effects" and see if they are something you can take the risk for.

I'm so upset for you, for all you've endured.

Please research, research research and only do what feels right in your guts and heart and makes logical sense with as much information as you can access.. You have options. It's a big decision to make, it has serious biochemical ramifications.

Coming here is a good move. You will find that others understand and can give you good peer support here. It helps, just expressing the pain and finding out others get it and also have ways that help, that we might never find out about, otherwise.

 

[Deleted member 45777]

From what I've heard Abilify works for some people for a time, but others find it makes them worse....

What is the best for CPTSD then??

My doc thinks Abilify is best for me but idk

I do respect her tho I mean she is the head of psychiatry at UCI student health.

 

[Friday]

But im sure none of this is rare.

It’s a PTSD // CPTSD forum. This is where the worst of the worst of traumas? Really are normal. Because with PTSD? “You must be at least this tall to ride this ride.”

Do we get the occasional “a bird crapped on me” or “I stubbed my toe” people here? Sure. It’s the internet. But for the most part the people here, who have actually been diagnosed with PTSD, are coming from histories of long term childhood sexual assault, childhood trauma, sexual trafficking, domestic violence, combat, kidnap/abduction, rape, torture, slavery, cults, gang violence, refugee camps, terrorism attacks... etc. Serious hard hitting stuff. The worst of the worst. Because this is PTSD & CPTSD.

Im so f*cked up that I get ur trying to help but I still want to tear your throat out

Again, it’s PTSD. Shrug. Anger happens. No worries.

There are some seriously badass tips / tricks to dealing with anger, so the firestorm doesn’t sweep over you for the most part, and when it does you can learn to zip get total control over it in moments instead of exhausted fighting it for days/weeks/longer. But I really wouldn’t worry about that, right now. Sometimes just knowing a thing is possible, even if it ain’t gonna happen for awhile? Is still too much, but worth knowing.

 

[Deleted member 45777]

I'm just so f*cking mad that there is only like 4 things u said that I haven't been though


But I do fantasize about doing terroristic shit....

Just me being crazy again...


Anyway I want to know what' the best CPTSD meds then

 

[mumstheword]

I've used weed. . To be honest dmt and mushrooms worked well for me too.
I've heard mdma can be very helpful used in a therapeutic way too.
I also use art forms as therapy.

 

[Deleted member 45777]

Lol I been smoking weed for 11 years.

I started at 14.

2 years after fostercare ended

Wonder why

I wonder what I would be like without weed

I haven' been sober in 11 years

I smoke all day long