Sufferer Newly In The Trenches - Childhood Trauma

[ChelsBells]

Hello. I found this seemingly amazing forum through online searches for certain phrases & each time this forum would land in my search results. I figured it's something I should check out.

I am 40 & have quite the year. I have been diagnosed dysthymia for decades & struggle with that day in & day out. This past year I entered into therapy & found someone amazing. It has been a long 9 months so far, we've run the gamut on diagnoses, meds, had a hospitalization, a suicide attempt, etc. But most problematic we found I struggle with dissociation, depersonalization, etc. So although I said I was ready for change & knew it had to occur, I couldn't touch what was inside.

We've just gotten there. I've just touched things. Some for the first time since toddlerhood. And the emotions (not on meds, so I can FEEL) are brutal & unrelenting & so hardcore I just want to die most days. But we cant use meds b/c then I cant feel any emotions, cant cry, can't feel sad or shame or anger.

This past week, after the 1st session in which I let my therapist in legitimately, I lost my mind. I did some weird dissociation where I drove somewhere & didnt know it, came to while I was there. I got drunk & didn't know it (dont remember a conscious choice to drink) & blacked out, a first for me. I came to HOURS later covered in vomit, my entire bathroom floor covered in vomit..... and I had called & texted my therapist while in a drunken stupor. I was mortified. All of that was a 1st for me & i drank a crap ton in college.

After that, this unrelenting panic type anxiety set in for the rest of the week. I went 4 days & couldn't put a piece of food in my mouth b/c the nausea/anxiety was so great. I shake. My hands shake. My chest hurts. It's a vice grip always. I float away & cant feel my body, I get dizzy, I get so unfocused & lightheaded feeling that I'm not connected to me in any sense. The walls start closing in. I feel like I'm floating away from it all & can't get back.

I saw the doc. I got Xanax for the 1st time in my life. It doesn't do much. The one thing it does is allow me to eat. Which is vital, I know.

Therapy gets me through right now & then there was this... I'll try to link my other post

Transference/Attachment

We worked through that & i feel better right now in this moment than I have in over a week.

I hope to learn a lot here & learn how to travel this trauma therapy journey without derailing.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome!

I’m so sorry your body is reacting so violently.

If you can, try to get some orally disintegrating Zofran for your nausea. It works on some of my nausea, not so much on others, but when it does work, it’s a godsend.

If all meds numb you out, it’s quite possible that the doses we’re too high. My stable dose is either at or below everyone else’s starting dose, simply Because I’m so med sensitive that a little goes a long way. If you ever revisit medication in the future, keep this in mind.

 

[ChelsBells]

If you can, try to get some orally disintegrating Zofran for your nausea

I had been relying on Zofran. Thank God we had a stockpile from last year. Thankfully it seems the worst has passed. I'm eating again!

As for meds in general, usually I'm on the lowest dose. I most recently came off of Latuda, I never got past 20mg. In the past, I've been on each SSRI on the market & never had any luck. We did the Genesight genetic testing for psychotropic meds & it showed I wouldn't do well on any SSRI on the market. So that was interesting. I've also been on Wellbutrin. Still no luck. Latuda, Lithium, & Lamictal since last September & just had issues with each.

Now my doc wants to try Pristiq. An SNRI I believe. Have never tried that category of antidepressant. Haven't tried any of the new ones or anything ever that works on dopamine.

If this depression keeps up I may be willing to try the Pristiq, but I HAVE to be able to feel emotions in order to do productive therapy. So I dont want it to dull anything. But depression also sucks.

 

[ChelsBells]

I'm wondering if someone can tell me what I should expect from therapy & my therapist as we begin this journey. I love working with her, but she is not trained in trauma. Sometimes lately I feel like I'm not quite getting what I need but I'm not sure how it would look different with someone else. What do you like that your good therapist does in session?

 

[Karolina12]

I'm wondering if someone can tell me what I should expect from therapy & my therapist as we begin this journey. I love working with her, but she is not trained in trauma. Sometimes lately I feel like I'm not quite getting what I need but I'm not sure how it would look different with someone else. What do you like that your good therapist does in session?

I am pretty new to therapy too & would love to hear from others on this topic as well.

Mine is very knowledgeable about trauma & trained in EMDR. She notices my reactions and when I get triggered. She uses plain language to explain what is happening. She is patient with my hesitation, defenses, and freezing. She helps me get more comfortable by talking, storytelling, summarizing and piecing together what little I give her, and driving the sessions.

How do you experience your therapist and what are your hesitations?