Sufferer Newly Recovering From Complex Ptsd.

[jc3]

Hi. My name is John. I am 30 years old and am (as of yesterday) getting out of a special, eye opening, perception altering relationship that lasted almost 6 months but came to an end because of the steadily increasing stress of my complex post traumatic condition that was too much to bare for both my ex and I. She has a masters in psychology and is the reason as to why I know everything that I do about complex ptsd. The relationship was perhaps my biggest trigger simply because I was constantly on alert (more so subconsciously) for any signs of rejection or abandonment, which is the primary source of my condition. Any time I perceived what resembled rejection or potential abandonment I began to shut down immensely. I endured multiple rageful, self inflicted outbursts breaking cell phones, prescription eye glasses, one television, a drum set and repeated blows to the sides of my skull. For the record she is an amazing woman whose time and love I enjoyed but who also has her fair share of trauma. I had lied to her several times when asked about previous encounters with women before we began to date because of a profound fear of confrontation and potential abandonment as result of it. I never meant to lie or hurt her but in doing so regardless of intention I reopened old wounds from her past which became to much for her. I was faithful to her but it wasn't meant to be. I have found this webpage thanks to Pete Walkers book on complex post traumatic stress. I am simply looking for support through the ongoing stages of my recovery since there are no support groups in my area. I have learned a lot about flashbacks and what triggers them as a result of this book. I am currently learning how to minimize the impact of my inner critic by refusing to act out in self defeating ways when triggered. I am also undergoing therapy individually and am also about to embark on a brief 1-3 (as it was described) session treatment for trauma which I feel hopeful about. I feel like I am just starting to live although my heart aches at the same time because of this loss. I have had years of self abuse because of toxic shame and inner critic attacks. I am currently in twelve step recovery from drug addiction with 5 years clean. I am okay today, not feeling suicidal but optimistic that there are brighter, less fearful and less flashback filled days ahead. I do have an active support group. I am aware of who to call in the event of another crises. My heart aches for those who also suffer with the same condition.

 

[Ms Blue Sky]

Welcome John, I have complex PTSD too and I am in twelve step recovery, I have already found this place incredibly helpful :-) I hope you can heal your toxic shame through the twelve steps and through the therapy and this forum, I feel blessed to have found this site, there don't seem to be any face to face recovery groups that I know of for complex PTSD
I read somewhere though that for Veterans of the Vietnam war, they had meetings similar to twelve step meetings or to this board where they shared their feelings and experiences with each other and this helped them immensely in their recovery from PTSD
Good luck, MBS x

 

[jc3]

Thank you. I have had some success with flashback management while refusing to abandon myself through inner critic attacks. It is the first time that I can recall that I simply said "NO" to those desires.

 

[hodge]

Welcome, John.

 

[jc3]

@hodge
Thank you. I hope you are well today.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum:)
This place is all about support, from people who genuinely understand what you're going through.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Welcome to forum, John! :hug:

Good people supportive people here!

Im so glad that you're clean! Im also a clean addict. :hug:

 

[intothelight]

@jc3 Welcome to the forum!

This is a great site for information and also for support as you work on your healing. I hope you find it helpful.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi, and welcome to the forum! :)

 

[Txcrickett]

Hi. My name is John. I am 30 years old and am (as of yesterday) getting out of a special, eye opening, perce...

I to have Complex PTSD and found Pete Walker's books invaluable as to understanding the creation of complex PTSD for me.

Also 3 years of IFS based therapy helped really set me free. If you don't know about it, check it out. It is Family System's Therapy and it was amazing for setting me free from trauma. But just because a therapist says they use it doesn't mean they have certification in it. I live in a huge city and I found only one and he was amazing.

Also, having a strong faith really helps. I found that I call myself a Christian Buddhist Yogini. Kind of rounds it all up. The Yoga helps still the mind, the Buddhism helps me straighten out my thinking and gives me methodology for doing so and the Christianity means I don't have to feel guilty and can be re-parented by a higher power greater than what I got growing up.

The anger and rage that I felt was a big issue for me, and I was afraid of it as well because I didn't want to be like my past abusers. But what I found was that being really honest about what I was enraged about and finally being able to honestly speak it out loud and have my therapist validate my feelings was freeing beyond belief. You have the power to heal within you. The critic is a pain in the but, but in IFS we learn that the critic, believe it or not, is a part of us that is trying to serve the purpose of trying to protect us from getting hurt again.

The critic is only as old as the age you were when the trauma occurred and it came into being. That was hard to get, but now I have and my thoughts and actions are no longer being dictated by the critic. The critic is not the enemy it is a protector of the immature part of ourselves that doesn't know how to defend or stand up for itself any other way.

For instance the most powerful abuser I had was my mother, my mother's voice is my internal critic. So my mind copied the most powerful thing in my life to direct me away from getting abused further by my mother. We are all a composition of many parts. When I would get triggered it was usually because of sensing rejection in what someone said or did, or I thought they might do. My emotional pain would get triggered and then the anger would be there because of the desperation of what I felt I was getting ready to lose, and anger at my powerlessness to make it not happen and to create some sort of self value that I didn't believe I even had. It really came down to the belief in my own unloveableness, and belief that some how I was lacking or broken in some un-mendable way that made others abandon and reject me.

IFS helped me deal with all the pieces and now with meditation I am finding a peace as I get to know the real me that was there all along, but that I didn't know before going through each piece of the past trauma and giving myself what I needed back then and never got.

Re-parenting myself was key. No one else can do it for us, we have to give it to ourselves. I think that is what is meant by you have to love yourself first before you can love others. Otherwise we are only bringing parts to the table and not a wholeness of being who we truly are.

 

[Zanshin]

Welcome.

Congratulations on 5 years clean - that's wonderful. Caring enough about yourself to start that and the other work you have done about CPTSD to help yourself will also help you silent the inner critic and find peace.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @jc3 . I think you're making great progress. :tup:

I don't understand fully by any means, I think @txcrickett has really good advice. (Do you know the 'age of the Inner Critic'? :confused: )

I like this too:

Re-parenting myself was key. No one else can do it for us, we have to give it to ourselves. I think that is what is meant by you have to love yourself first before you can love others. Otherwise we are only bringing parts to the table and not a wholeness of being who we truly are.

Then, even if we love a lot now, we could love more 'whole'. (If that makes sense?)

Best wishes to you, & welcome. :)