Next Tactic?

[Sandstone]

No, I've been fighting it for a couple of days, but I'm not winning.

I'm in that place where the only way to avoid taking a large OD seems to be to take a small one and knock myself out. I've been awake since 2am, and my sleep has been erratic for a couple of weeks, so I'm a bit light headed which isn't helping.

I've been trying to focus on a quilt my step grand daughter asked me to make her , and it's going OK, though concentrating enough to keep it right is getting harder. Last night I manged to pull my thoughts back from the brooding to the maths of the quilt, but oddly it's harder by day. Usually it's the other way round, and that feels risky, because I'm more inclined to trust day time thoughts.

I've also done music, eating, putting others first, current affairs, and focusing on my metronome, which is as close as I can get to meditation

What shall I try next?

 

[Friday]

Where's it coming from?

I just ask because I'm briefly suicidal about once a day, suicidal ideation bit more frequent than that, but it's still mostly fleeting. Same, some days just bite, and for absof*ckinglutely no reason whatsoever I just wanna rip my own heart out. No cause. Not coming from anywhere. Well, PTSD, prolly. Meh. Stupid damn disorder.

But there are times I've learned I'm gonna be suicidal in response to something else (patterns, work on the patterns), and times I'm gonna be struggling with Ideation & Suicidality hours every day. Most of last winter is was running either Ideation or Suicidal for about 3-4 hours a day. Blargh. Gets f*cking old, that. On the upside was losing about 10 hours a day to flashbacks & disassociation, so at least there was variety ;)

Getting through the moment itself is one thing. But when there's cause? Either patterns I'm repeating, or some other cause that's kicking me into losing hours every day... Best tactic I've found so far is to go after the cause. Keep rotating through the things that get me through the moment (rage, distraction, & sensory overload are my favs), but lessen the number of moments by going after the cause itself.

Oftentimes? The cause in my own life is stupid. No other way to say it. There is no reason on planet earth this ridiculous thing should be pushing me where it is. I've made the mistake of gritting my teeth, and dammit I shall not change this stupid, easily changed, thing. :facepalm: Kay, Friday. How's that working out for you? Yeah yeah yeah. I'm changing it, I'm changing it.

Other times the cause is infuriating (like working through trauma stuff). Because actually working through shit? Helps other areas of my PTSD stuff tons. Taking a break? Backing away? When I'm actually finally getting somewhere??? Sigh. That's a hard one. Suspect there will be times in my future where the answer is not take a break for awhile, but push on through. But I didn't have shit squared away enough in my own life to be able to take that hit right then. Backed away, and the ideation & iality eased off. Kk. Will come back to this later. Dammit. /// Other times it's infuriating because I can't change the dang cause right now! I can see what needs to change, there's a flashing neon sign practically pointing at it, but it's either not within my power to do anything about it, or I'm not willing to for good reason (rather than just being stubborn, like the stupid reasons). Patience whilst suicidal? Talk about irony. :p Shrug. Nothing else I've figured out, yet, for that one.

LOL... Most of the time in my own life, the cause really is either: Patterns, something beyond stupid & easily fixed, or something that is completely infuriating / hard to fix for various reasons; either I don't wanna, or I would in a heartbeat if I could.

So... The underlined section is the straight up answer to your Q, the rest of it is looking at changing tactics another way; going after cause if there is one.

 

[Sandstone]

It's coming from two, linked things.
One is accepting/ trying to accept that I'm more dissociative than I thought I was , and in particular dealing with the thoughts/voices/images associated with cooking. Anything that involves heat and I'm immediately seeing scalded, baked flesh with the skin bubbling off. And in my mind runs - just put your hand in there - you should stab yourself in the eye - rip your belly open

The other is that the T who has led me to realise how dissociative I am has been told we have to stop sessions - I think we have two left. Currently there is no plan for ANYTHING after that, though she has a meeting with the key workers who has ignored me since August and Amy respectively T wants me to apply for IP treatment, but that has already been turned down, and I fear my reaction if it is turned down again. I'm also afraid that if I contact anyone to describe how bad I feel, it may go against me.

 

[Sandstone]

Just got up, having had enough wine to make me wobbly, plus 5 pills. I slept.

It's still the same, I 'm still useless and can see no hope. I can go on defining what is wrong with me, ever more accurately, but I can't fix it and the system doesn't think I'm worth any more help.

 

[scout86]

the system doesn't think I'm worth any more help.

From what I've seen and heard, you have a VERY strange system over there! It's hard to tell WHAT "they" are thinking. (Or IF they are thinking!)

I'm also afraid that if I contact anyone to describe how bad I feel, it may go against me.

How might it go against you:?

 

[Sandstone]

Short term - I've had comments like "We're busy with people who are really ill" that make me feel as though I'm malingering
Longer term, I 'm worried they may say I'm too unstable to be treated

 

[scout86]

That's a really odd combination, isn't it?

I just don't think anyone is "too unstable to be treated". I can see some people SAYING that, but it would more than likely just mean THEY didn't know what to do.

You are in distress right NOW. I think that puts you in the category of "people who need and deserve help". And, I think your T would appreciate knowing how you're feeling and what you're dealing with now. It seems like that information would help her to do her job.

BTW, that image of scalding flesh? I'll bet that's pretty hard to live with! :eek: Is it something you've actually seen, or something you imagine?

 

[Sandstone]

I'm not certain. I'm pretty sure I was told that as a very small child I pulled myself up on a tablecloth and tipped a pot of freshly made tea on myself, and had to spend time in hospital. I have no scars, and no-one I can ask if this is fact

 

[scout86]

and no-one I can ask if this is fact

I have a few things like that.......where there's no one left I can ask and I wish there was. I'm not even sure how to describe that. A dead end, I guess, but somehow it seems like a surprising dead end. And yet, why should it be a surprise.......

Realistically, a burn bad enough to require hospitalization would more than likely leave a scar. But, now that I think of it, it might also leave a record of being hospitalized.

Anyway, sometimes the stuff we imagine is worse that "reality". It's also plenty real! I have similar thoughts sometimes. It gets old! And, mentally yelling at myself to "Stop that!" only works part of the time. Finding some kind of distraction works better....

One of the things that seems like a problem.........I was thinking a little while ago, about something else, "It couldn't have been that bad, REALLY, because someone would have noticed....." Thinking that about my own situation. But, I think it's also true that if you convince yourself "it wasn't that bad" or "I don't need/deserve help" or "no one wants/needs to know this stuff" it makes it REALLY hard for someone like your T. (and mine!) Because, they may be smart and good guessers, but they do better with actual information. And maybe it's better to give them a LOT of information and let them sort it out? (I haven't tried that myself, mind you. It's just a thought.)

 

[Sandstone]

I'd probably mention it to T if I was going to see her, but we are on fortnightly sessions now, to make it last longer before they run out. She hopes to put something together before we have to stop. I can't risk hoping that will happen though, as I have learned over the last few tears that the number and variety of ways the NHS can let e down is breath taking.

I had thought of medical records, but those with my GP only go back to my 20s. It seems the rest were lost somewhere, before the days of computerisation. I'm not sure it matters if happened or not, the problem is the here and now

 

[scout86]

the problem is the here and now

True! And I tend to look at it the same way.

I can't risk hoping that will happen though, as I have learned over the last few tears that the number and variety of ways the NHS can let e down is breath taking.

I can certainly understand that! I have been totally amazed at the blind spots in the NHS.